Practice detachment voluntarily. Do not get attached to people, possessions, and philosophies. It all is fleeting. Voluntary detachment leads to an abundance of all you desire. But the first step is to let go of the desires.
Hope you are doing well.
As promised, I am back with a new cosmic adventure. Here’s a little background: consistent meditation has opened up a portal, leading me to the collective consciousness. I experience something bewildering daily, which I then pen down for you to relish. Here we go –
Once the portal opened, I found myself in the middle of a burning forest. All the creatures were frantically pacing to find a way out, only to collapse, realizing they were trapped. The fire grew wild.
Suddenly, the earth beneath started trembling. A giant Red Dragon came rushing, sweeping every living being using his enormous wings. His wings dragged people and animals from every nook and corner near him. Displaying compassion, he hid every soul under his wings as the forest burned around him.
Witnessing this selfless act stunned and mesmerized me.
In the aftermath, the Dragon was hurt pretty bad. His burnt wings hung loosely like a muscle blob. It marked the beginning of civilization. Everyone came along to start a settlement around the Dragon. They cared for him until he healed. The settlement evolved into a village.
While the Dragon was healing, the villagers enjoyed an ample supply of food by the burnt forest’s grace. They grew strong on nutritious roots and relished cooked food for the first time. They grew gracefully under abundance. Once the Dragon regained his strength, he was appointed protector of the realm. He grew famous as the first Dragon King, often referred to by the children as the Red King.
The Red King always fulfilled his obligations. He made sure that his subjects come to know the wisdom of the great beyond. He helped them hone necessary life skills such as agriculture, metallurgy, linguistics, alchemy, cattle rearing, architecture, music, astronomy, and most importantly, shaped their culture. Within generations, the village grew into one of the most remarkable Eastern Civilizations.
The wheels of destiny kept on turning. The Dragon grew old. He spent most of his time sharing cosmic wisdom to little children.
One day, the head of state came rushing. He alarmed the Red King about a nearing invading force. The conquest seekers were heavily armed and huge in numbers. The chief appealed to the Red King to use magic to destroy the enemy.
‘Oh, the Lord King, I beg thee, burn down these oppressors with your glorious fire. Let the sky hail flames. Save us as you saved our great grandfathers.‘
The Red King requested some time to consider.
A little kid called Gedun Truppa was the Red King’s best friend those days. He observed this conversation intently.
‘What will you do, Red King? Will you burn them down?’ asked Gedun curiously.
The Dragon appeared perplexed.
‘No, I can’t use my powers for destruction. I can only protect my people from natural forces. This conquest is human-made. They have to resolve it within themselves.’
‘But I am plagued by the thoughts of disappointing my loved ones.’
Saying this, the Dragon hung his head in despair.
The child came nearby and grabbed his toes.
‘You are the great father. If you do not abandon these lost children, they will never find their way back. For them to grow, you will need to detach from your affection. You taught them how to walk. Now it’s time for them to learn sprinting. They must do it on their own.’ Gedun said calmly.
The Red King was amazed by the child’s profound wisdom.
“You are a true lama’, exclaimed the Red King as he flew past the setting sun.
Practice detachment voluntarily. Do not get attached to people, possessions, and philosophies. It all is fleeting.
Detach: If you cling to material wealth, ego, identities, people, feelings, you will never realize your real strength. Get detached.
Align: Attach yourself to a purpose of service. You will experience fulfillment by helping others.
Uplift: You can only grow by serving people. You don’t climb mountains on others’ shoulders. You climb by latching to the rope hanging behind them.
Voluntary detachment leads to an abundance of all you desire. But the first step is to let go of the desires.
Forgiveness is the only way to attain inner peace. Forgiving misdeeds strengthens your resolve to make our world a better place.
Hope you are doing well.
As promised, I am back with a new cosmic adventure. Here’s a little background for those who are new: consistent meditation has opened up a portal, which leads me to the collective consciousness. Cosmic reality is majestic. I experience something bewildering daily, which I then pen down for you to relish. Here we go –
Once the portal opened, I found myself in a quiet forest. Upon walking a few steps, a sad sight pained me. A wounded old person tied to a pine tree was bleeding out. I quickly untied and carried him to a nearby stream on my shoulders.
He narrated a painful tale of being held hostage by a group of bandits who robbed his belongings and physically harmed him. His gut-wrenching story broke my heart. I attempted to console him with my signature verbiages:
‘You must forgive them, dear friend. They hurt you because they were in pain. Forgiveness is the only way to attain inner peace.’
I was satisfied with my wise monologue. The old man nodded in agreement.
Delighted with my problem-solving skills, I trotted away into the wild.
Miles Ahead, I encountered a wise wooly mammoth. After we were done with basic niceties, my furry friend questioned my philosophy.
‘I understand the virtue of forgiveness. What doesn’t make sense is how we can uniformly apply it to every situation?’ he said.
His words got me thinking.
Lost in my deep thoughts, I drifted away, found myself inside a Nazi military complex. It was a time jump.
I was inside the Führerbunker in Berlin. It was empty. Hitler’s personal protective blanket [Stosstrupp-Hitler (SSH)] had abandoned him. Eva, his wife of the day, lay wiggling on the ground in the aftermath of cyanide poisoning.
The Fuehrer sat calmly beside his fireplace. A shining gun waited patiently in his lap.
His presence itself was agitating. Mostly my cosmic experiences are calm. This one touched all the wrong nerves.
‘Why do you stare at me with disgust?’ asked Hitler.
‘You alone are responsible for millions of death. How can you sit here in such stillness while your wife is taking her last breath? I think I know the answer. You are a savage. You aren’t human. You are the embodiment of evil. Damn you!’ I yelled passionately.
‘Hold on your ramble, you inferior being. Before you accuse me of your false concoction, tell me my fault! I thought you were sent to forgive me. Do I not deserve forgiveness?‘ said the Fuhrer.
I was stunned.
Does Hitler deserve forgiveness?
He continued to make his case.
‘All I did was present an idea. I haven’t harmed a single soul. Why am I accountable? I just gave people what they asked for! I gave them an ideology, accepting it, or denying it was their prerogative. I did not march innocent souls into gas chambers. Go find those who did. Direct your hatred towards them.’
He stood up, placed the gun on his temple, and said, ‘You can never practice forgiveness until you don’t decide what you consider unforgivable.’
The gun fired, painting the room red.
I sat in the blood splatter, wondering, how do we determine what’s unforgivable.
There has to be a line.
Forgiving misdeeds strengthens your resolve to make our world a better place.
Holding back: If we hold back our love from those who hurt us, we are no better. Let go of the pain.
Healing: Hatred, anguish, bitterness, pain torture the soul. Forgiveness heals. Luke 23:34: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do
Moving ahead: Forgiving sinners absolves their sins. Use your gift wisely. Only forgive the deserving. Hate no one.
Our children deserve a better world. Let’s create one!
Life is precious, not just for us humans but for every living organism with a beating heart and inanimate objects crafted with love by the creators. You must add something to the world you came in. I would suggest you add value, add beauty, add art, add philosophy, add inventions. Catapult your civilization towards a golden era. You have this one life given to you. It is a must you make the most out of it. Those who think life is misery blended with tons of suffering, at least live long enough to watch those space colonies and bully your grandkids. Least you could do!
Good Morning Planet,
How are you doing?
I am fantastic, as always. My goal is to remain so until I hit the 125 mark.
Yup, you heard it right! Staying alive until 125 is one of my goals.
I understand if at this moment you feel an urge to label me a lunatic. However, I will change your perception by the end of this essay.
At the age of 18 (it could also be 19, I wasn’t keeping journals back in those days, I was young and titties were more appealing than pens), I listened for the first time – “The end by Jim Morrison.”
“This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend
The end of our elaborate plans
The end of ev’rything that stands
No safety or surprise
I’ll never look into your eyes again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need of
some strangers hand
In a desperate land
Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain……..”
I had recently started smoking up. If you are or ever been a stoner, you know what this song does to us. “The End” acted as a doorway to an unexplored cosmos waiting to embrace the madness inside me. That day sparked a rock revolution in my veins, which still demands all of me, all the time.
Back in those days Internet wasn’t as readily available as it is for Millenials. Most of these fuckers perceive it as a birthright. Glad they weren’t born in Kashmir. Nonetheless, I always was a very resourceful person. Twelve months down the line, I had a personal collection of more than 1200 hits. I had posters of every star. Mick Jagger shook his hips on my walls while Cobain played with his needles in my library.
This rock revolution introduced me to Club 27!
In case you lived under a rock for your entire life, let me introduce you to Club 27.
Club 27 is where you go when you are so talented, this world appears to be beneath you.
When your art is unparalleled, when your creativity knows no bounds, when you achieve all one can dream of before you are 26 years old, and when you realize people, riches or fame cannot fill the void inside you, what do you do?
You insert a needle in your veins, and you tap out.
You tap out to a place where there’s no torment left.
You tap out from a place reeking of selfishness.
You tap out from personal miseries, pulling you down.
When all you want to do is fly higher, you tap out!
You go to a better place. You become a part of Club 27.
Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse are few of the woke individuals who became a part of Club 27.
We all need obsessions. Becoming a part of Club 27 became my obsession. The day I decided I wanted to be a part of Club 27, a transformation happened. I was free from the afterthought of what others think about me. All that mattered was writing a revolutionary book before the age of 27 and bidding goodbye.
I wrote less and prepared for my membership more. There wasn’t a substance I left untried. I didn’t consider debauchery a sin. I was a loose cannon. I feared none. All I cared about was to complete a book before 27 and embrace death.
Death should be celebrated. All else is just a passing affair. This was my modus operandi.
It still is!
The only difference is I am no longer chasing the inevitable. Now, I am an ocean. The moon will shine, the tides will rise. I will wait for it. I am not going to sing to the moon.
I did my part.
I wrote my legendary work – Broken Radio. It didn’t bring the immediate recognition I had hoped for. But that didn’t matter much. I knew what counts is leaving a legendary work behind, which will stand the tide of time.
So, phase one was complete. Now, all I had to do was tap out.
My lifestyle was already in sync with my goal. My daily diet was 6-9 pints, 4-5 joints, 2-3 boiled potatoes, and few paint shots or glue whatever was available. Within a month of my book getting published, I had two seizure attacks, which I welcomed with a smile. I knew I would make it to the Club 27.
Finally, the day arrived.
I was staying in Tosh, Himachal Pradesh. I used to spend my afternoons wandering in the mountains, having intimate dialogues with flora and fauna. This particular day, I and mother nature were engrossed in a demeaning argument. I constantly challenged her authority. I made vile threats ensuring she understood her place in the dominance hierarchy. I (a stubborn passionate individual) will always be at the top and every other force beneath me.
I hated the fact that she had created mountains laden with vegetation in a futile attempt to stop me from completing more miles.
So, we locked horns.
I saw an excellent spot a few miles ahead of me. The challenge was an unscalable mountain rich in vegetation.
I was persistent. Like a loving mother, she warned me not to pull any stunts. Like a spoiled brat, I ignored her and began my ascent. The ascent took me close to 2 hours. I unleashed the savage within. A sheer brute force encompassed all of my being. I started climbing like a manic. I had no gear, nothing to make things easier for me.
Two hours later, I was at the top of the mountain. Once I was at the top, I identified a narrow pathway that could have made my descent a child’s play. But my stubborn self decided to create his own path.
While I was mentally preparing for a challenging descent (mind it, till now, I had no such prior experience of scaling mountains. I was just a pumped up entity under an illusion that my sheer will can bend all the rules of nature/physics), a native woman appeared out of nowhere.
Till now, I had figured out the operational mechanism of the universe, or at least thought I did. I knew she was sent to stop me.
This lovely female asked me about my destination. She very helpfully offered her assistance in helping me go down the path. However, the arrogant “me” refused her assistance. I hopped away rhythmically.
I yelled, “I will do this on my own.” A thunder flashed in the sky. That was mother nature’s fuck off!
After munching on a small piece of crumpled chocolate, I began my descent.
The challenge in front of me was too much vegetation crowding the mountain path. There was absolutely no way to use that path. Yet, I did not flinch.
I am not a flora expert; therefore, I cannot tell you the grass and plants’ names blocking my way. I will describe them using their color.
The mountain was filled with orange color smooth, slippery grass. That formed the level one vegetation. Beyond that, there was level two, which had firmly rooted plants with elastic branches and huge leaves. The level three vegetation was of big trees that appeared now and then.
Thinking about Dashrath Manji, the mountain man, who single-handedly tore mountain’s heart, I began my descent.
I decided to slide on the orange grass, grabbing every twig and branch in my way and breaking my impact using the big tree trunks. It seemed like a good strategy at that point in time—a classic rookie’s mistake of assuming that we know shit.
Things worked in my favor for maybe a kilometer or two.
I slipped in a controlled manner, grabbing branches to navigate and finally using my feet as an anchor to rest whenever a tree trunk appeared.
Suddenly shit caught up. It was bound to.
One wrong step, and I found myself hanging from a branch with no ground beneath my feet. I looked down horrifyingly. I could see a river bed. If I fell, little chunks of my flesh would have painted the bank red.
This was the first moment I experienced fear. Till now, an overwhelming force pumped courage into me. Now, I felt abandoned. All I was left with was a horrified, racing heart.
I had a bag pack on my back. I forced my brain to find an escape. I had been in shit situations all my life. Even in a terrified, frozen state, I tried to find a way out. I could see a horizontal tree trunk a few meters below. However, for me to reach there, I had to go for a freefall. And then hopefully pray that I balance myself and not slip from the tree trunk. It was too big a risk. But I had no other alternative.
I let go of the branch. I took a leap of faith. A few seconds in the air and I landed on the trunk, slipped, fell, and somehow caught the tree trunk with my arms. Now instead of hanging to a branch, I was hanging on a tree trunk. The branch was rather easier. It was easy to grab. The trunk was too difficult to hold on to.
Till now, I was thoughtless. I felt like an observer seeing myself go through this epic shit!
Some reflex kicked in, and I pulled myself together. A few seconds later, I was resting on the tree trunk. I had managed to pull myself up and take a seat.
Phew, that was a relief. But nothing had changed. I was still in the middle of my descent with no place to go. Few minutes of rest activated my thinking brain. The inner dialogue resumed.
“So, this is it! This is what you were waiting for. Your moment of glory! Now is your time to join the Club 27.”
And I broke into tears. I started crying like a kid with no presents on a Christmas morning. I hated Santa, but it hurt that he abandoned me.
For the first time in my life, I realized I was nobody. I had somehow scrambled a half baked book. Very few people knew me as a writer.
I asked myself, “Is this it? I don’t think I have achieved anything; if I die today, will anyone remember me or even miss me?”
Faces of my loved ones flashed in front of me. I entered a dream-like reality.
I tried the other side of the argument too. I wanted to put myself at peace. Surrender to the circumstance and just jump with a smile. But the coward inside me couldn’t gather the courage.
So, I and my different projections agreed to live. The moment I decided I wanted to continue with my miserable state of existence, something flipped inside of me. I left my bag lying on the tree trunk. Stood upright, closed my eyes for a second, and prayed to all the gods. Shiva, Jesus, and Allah!
What happened next is incomprehensible. That’s one of the reasons I never shared it with anyone. Today is the first time I am narrating this.
I opened my eyes, and I felt a power within. A different kind of savage! This savage had brain cells intact. He didn’t seem to be overwhelmed by emotions. He was in sync with the environment.
Without any thought and for sure (not my imagination), I jumped in the air. Even monkeys couldn’t have sustained such a leap; the next thing I saw was me climbing upwards on the loose ground using only my fingertips and toes. It was surreal. I was climbing straight on a downward slanting mountain with nothing to hold on to. Every step I took loosened the soil and chunks of land started to fall beneath me.
There was no thought inside my head. I was just an observer.
After a while, I reached the top.
Few steps later, I fell on the ground and passed out. I have no idea how long I remained unconscious. The women whose assistance I had refused woke me up and offered me water.
The most surprising part was she asked no questions. She woke me up, offered me water, and went away.
After some time, I gathered strength and resumed back to my station.
I had this newfound understanding of the importance of life. I promised not to throw it away and devote myself to uplifting the society. I felt reborn.
So the moral of the story is – you can’t die until it’s your time. You got things to do. We got things to do. For all of that, we need to live. Live healthily, live happily, live with a purpose, live with compassion, live a meaningful life.
Now, when we are hell-bent on living, why shorten our lifetime by doing shit?
Therefore let’s learn how to stay alive till 125!
That’s the topic of the day.
Why should you live longer?
There are countless reasons why we should be alive for at least 125 years. More than a luxury, it is our duty. Most importantly, at present, we live in one of the most exciting times of human species. Whatever we think is likely to become a reality in the next five years. In such terrific times, if we do not survive to witness the history in making, it will be a terrible loss on our part.
What does the future have in store for us is a frequent topic of discussion among the circles I float in.
In my opinion, in around 40-50 years, Amazon will be mining asteroids for rare minerals. We would have established alternate sources of energy, and essential resources would be available for all. However, the price we will pay for our growth and development would be the destruction of our environment. The air will not be breathable. The water will not be drinkable. The soil will be barren.
That won’t still change much for our species. We would find out alternate ways to survive. After all, we are one of the most resilient viruses. [It’s fun to call ourselves mammals, when our actions are virusian in nature. We have zero regard for our host (earth). All we care about is the multiplication of our species. Mammals tend to love their environment. Nonetheless, that’s another debate.]
Amazon and Google would create pods for us. We will remain suspended in space. If you are claustrophobic, you might want to train yourself to live in tiny places. The future belongs to people who can crouch and bend, not those who stand tall.
Don’t worry about jobs and money. The masses have always been eternal slaves. The corporate lords would find an exciting use for us. If not any, then there is always organ harvesting and medical experiments. We would get opportunities to earn our keep in the future.
On earth, there would be dedicated zones with the environment intact or preserved by artificial means. These would be habituated by the ultra-rich while you and I stay in a pod staring at the blue dot in the universe.
Do not even trip about shit like agriculture and livestock! Thanks to technological advancements and our ability to create an artificial environment, everything will be made available.
Breaks my heart to paint such a bleak picture of the future; however, it doesn’t matter. Ramdass said, “we all are walking each other home.”
Wherever we go, it’s the journey that matters. And that’s why we should live longer, to experience, to witness and in my case to say – told you so!
In case witnessing a dystopian reality is not in your bucket list, there are other reasons to stay alive.
More or less, every religion, sacred text, arts and humanities, and several science streams agree that we are a combination of two entities.
A physical one and a soul.
The soul is part of the collective consciousness of the universe. Once we die, we just become a particle of the eternal light brightening this universe. We become the one.
Even if you disagree with this version, you must know that we have a physical body that helps us experience the outer world differently from our thoughts and dreams.
Our physical self is so powerful that it controls our behavior, reaction, and, to some extent, our future or destiny, howsoever you wish to interpret it.
If we are blessed with a physical self which can help us experience a ton of emotions, why deprive ourselves? Here, I am not talking about hedonistic behavior. I am not asking you to fuck thrice a day just because your body is capable of doing so. I am talking about filling your sack of bullshit with rich life experiences.
You haven’t lived if you didn’t jump off a rock! (of course, use a parachute or a rope)
You haven’t lived if you didn’t swim with the whales.
You haven’t lived if you didn’t fly in a hot air balloon.
You haven’t lived if you didn’t cycle South East Asia.
You haven’t lived if you didn’t taste maple syrup in Canada. (unlike a lousy person ordering online)
If you haven’t kissed your girl at the top of the Effiel Tower, you don’t love her.
If you guys didn’t lock lips with the Taj Mahal in the background shining like an eternal witness to love in a pastel moonlight, what have you done with your life?
If a Rhino did not chase you during an African Safari, Fuck off!
If you weren’t committed to a mental asylum,… (okay maybe we can skip this and prison too)
So you get the vibe!
There are tons of things for you to do, and you got to do them. How would you?
Well, you gotta live longer, buddy!
You gotta live longer!
There’s so much to do, and there’s so little time. Let’s extend the time, how about that!
Factors which impact aging
Let’s split the factors into internal and external. Internal are the ones that are totally in your control. If you are not a big fan of acting like a victim, there isn’t any internal factor that you cannot conquer. External ones lie beyond your scope of fixing, yet, even they can be defeated if planned meticulously.
Internal factors are mostly habit dependent. If you adopt a set of healthy habits, you can steer clear of the internal catalysts.
Your sleep-wake cycle plays an essential role in aging. If you are someone who thinks they are making a difference in the world by supporting the owl community, hooting and cheering till 2 am, more power to you, buddy!
If you think you are fucking things up by staying up late, then that’s what you need to work on.
Every mammal on this planet respects nature’s routine. They understand that nights are for rest, and mornings are when you roar. We need to abide by the basic routine.
The sun rises and sets at a specific time, not varying intensely. The same is the case with the moon.
The seasons follow a specific routine. Even when we have fucked the environment in the ass, the seasons still more or less follow the same routine, they did centuries ago.
So, practically every other force of nature follows a cycle, yet you somehow think, you are above the law of nature, and you will sleep and wake as you please. You assume it a birthright. You think you deserve to stay up late and wake up when the sun is above your head, expecting, I don’t know what sort of extraordinary rewards.
Well, you might want to study and understand the impact of an internal regulatory body called the circadian rhythm. This circadian rhythm is a natural, internal process that regulates the sleep-wake cycle and repeats roughly every 24 hours.
In simple words, your body keeps track of what you are doing and flushes you with biochemical accordingly. Suppose you are an excellent chimpanzee and wake up early, roughly around the same time daily, and you also sleep around the same time. In that case, your circadian rhythm is likely to reward you with happy hormones, and you will stay healthy and stable.
On the other hand, if you are a lousy chimp, you make your own rules, your warden, circadian rhythm will punish you by flushing you with unwanted biochemical, making you moody, frail, inattentive, and smelly at the same time. (Smelly matters, because it means you will no longer be secreting the pheromones needed to attract the opposite sex and, for that matter, impress the same sex. This, in turn, will translate into not getting laid in your personal life and not getting access to opportunities in your professional life. Even your unhealthy boss will be able to smell your shit and deny you the promotion you think you deserve.)
You see, how a simple wake up and sleep routine alone can easily destroy your life force. Slowly and gradually, you will be nothing more than a dead sack of rotten human flesh. Someone who could have seen centuries might not see their 50 because their pacemaker gave up while having sex on Viagra.
The remedy is as simple as it sounds. Set a fixed time to wake up. Let’s suppose 5’o clock. You start waking up every day at the same time.
Now, there is another catch to this. You need to make your mornings exciting so that you have something to look forward to.
If you wake up only to get ready for a dead beat job, you might not wake up. Just die already.
Wake up early, have a morning routine, line up activities for the morning – that’s how you make your mornings interesting!
Diet is another essential element you need to be wary of if you wish to beat aging. A wise person once said, “You are what you consume!” And consumption is not necessarily limited to food. It extends to every chemical ingested by your body and every toxic thought embraced by your mind. We would cover toxic thoughts later on. In this section, we will limit ourselves to food.
All those lazy afternoons when you were seduced by those plump donuts, thick waffles, and slender snickers did knock out a few months off your life calendar. I understand the argument that you only live once, and if we cannot even eat things we enjoy, what’s the point of such a life. However, we need to see through the flawed nature of the argument. Living a life indulged in hedonism will lower the life expectancy. It is fancy to say, “My life, My rules”; however, it is not our lives. Our lives are just a small node among billions of connections. Even if you are in no mood to be lectured about your obligations to the society and the universe, you cannot deny your role in the lives of people surrounding you in the immediate vicinity.
There is an old Japanese story. Of course, the Japs would be able to tell it more charmingly. I am just going to puke a half baked version. Here we go –
“A man loved his wife a lot. When she passed away, he was left alone. He missed her intensely and was always in sorrow. One day he visited an old friend. His friend asked him how he would have felt had he died, and his wife was left on her own. He replied, “Devastated!”
“There you go, my friend, you should be happy. Now, be happy because you are alive, and you can cherish her memories. Instead of her crying for you, it is your turn to be happy for her,” said the friend.”
The point being, you need to stay alive for your family, for your children, for your grandkids, for your society. Be useful to everyone. Don’t be a selfish ass who enjoyed his life, sucking the world’s nectar, and when came the time to pay a little back, ran away with all the might. This isn’t healthy!
If you genuinely wish to live longer, you need to make drastic changes to your diet. You need to eat real food—organic vegetables, sustainable meat, fruits, nuts, seeds, and food rich in antioxidants. A simple rule of thumb is anything which has a mother or grows on earth can be consumed; everything else is crap.
Any person with a little bit of common sense knows that food created in factories is not intended to meet your nutritional requirements.
If every time you feel hungry, you grab a pack of Cheetos and soda, you are killing yourself slowly.
Also, if you are eating after 8 pm, that’s another disaster for you! Your body clock wants you to eat your last meal before 8 pm, or else not only would it exert unnecessary pressure on your digestive tracks, but it will also speed up cell degeneration, which speeds up aging.
For those nights when you end up staying up late, do not fall prey to hunger pangs and start munching crap you could easily lay hands on. Try smoothies, shakes, or any other liquid substitute. Late-night sweet treats such as chocolates are only permitted if you are going to make love or else drink a vegetable juice instead.
To wrap the section up, few easy tips –
Make a list of healthy food items readily available to you
Create a diet plan/chart
Stick to your plan
If you are obese or food addict or you easily give in to cravings, try food journaling. Write about every meal you eat and whether you should be eating it or not
Remember, the marketplace is filled with sugary and unhealthy treats designed to tempt you. Stay away from them. They kill you slowly!
Sleep is one of the essential bio functions which regulate your hormones. Lack of sleep disrupts your mood, concentration, digestion, and overall performance. The biggest drawback of not getting enough sleep is aging.
You will see a consistent opinion by health experts around sleep. Everyone agrees you need around 7-8 hours of sleep every day. However, at the same time, it depends on your lifestyle. If you are into biohacking, you can manage optimal performance just by sleep of 4-5 hours each day and maybe 1 or 2 10/15 mins power naps.
Arnold, David Goggins, Jocko Wilinks, Tim Ferris, Gary Vee, and the list goes on; these achievers only sleep for around 5-5 ½ hours daily. I sleep about 5-6 hours daily. Yes, lack of sleep causes aging. However, if you are in control of your mind and body, if you are at a higher level of awareness, sleep might not hit you that bad.
But if you are a beginner and just begun sorting your life, stick to at least 7 hours of daily sleep.
Stress is your biggest enemy. It is the cause behind nearly every disease and the most prevalent reason behind our daily miseries. Ideally, stress should be categorized as an external factor but blame it on Epictetus that we consider stress as something internal –
It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
Whether it be the Buddhists, stoics, yogis, or modern-day philosophers, everyone agrees stress isn’t real. It is caused by our insecurities, which fuel our anxieties and, in the end, causes stress. It doesn’t matter what life throws at you, if it’s an apple discover gravity, if it’s a lemon, make a margarita. Stop overthinking!
We, humans, are blessed with problem-solving skills. It doesn’t matter how difficult a situation is, we are mostly adequately equipped to handle it. In rare cases, if we fall short of the essential skills, we have plenty of knowledge floating around to acquire the required skills.
You have books, gurus, and the Internet, what else do you need!
Do not focus on the problem. Focus on the solution instead.
Stress, fear, anxiety, all of these are lies which we tell to ourselves. These lies manifest in weird ways. One of those ways is rapid aging. You must have seen those specimens which in their 30’s have worry lines like Shar-pei.
Mothers unable to deal with the massive responsibility of raising kids age faster because of undue stress.
Employees who are unable to meet the challenges of their work profile age faster because of unwanted pressure they take on themselves.
On the other hand, mothers who take it light and easy, go out with their daughters and get those (maybe fake, maybe not) compliments about looking like sisters and what not!
Employees who realize there’s more to life than mental masturbation inside a cubicle- take vacations, do adventure sports and live longer.
Don’t let stress slide its penis into your ass. Be vigilant. Save yourself from anal rape!
Just take it, easy man! It’s just a ride.
As Bill hicks said –
The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people. “Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.” It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”
External factors consist of Toxic people, toxic environment, and toxic relationships.
Some people grow tall, some remain 4’9 throughout their lives, some shrink too. You can only be around people who are growing at the same pace as you are.
Your drinking buddy from your college days might not be the best company for you when you have a family, and he still is enjoying boozing and whoring.
Your best friend who taught you how to roll a doobie shouldn’t be around you when you are sober, and he’s hooked to the needle.
We need to understand that all in all, we are the average of 5 frequent people who surround us.
If your inner circle is filled with losers and victims, don’t expect a bright future for yourself. Our company not only influences us but also defines our choices.
Humans are extremely gullible. They can be easily swayed from their goals. It is essential to maintain a circle of people who share common goals, vision, and support each other in times of need.
You had your 20′ to experiment with friends. Remember the catchy advertisement slogan – Harek friend zaroori hota hai (every friend is essential), that shit is no longer valid in the current context. You have very limited time, and if you end it up wasting on people who do not add value to you, you will not live the life you want for yourself.
The shit doesn’t end here!
Toxic people have an unnecessary need for drama. They will somehow drag you into their misery, disrupting your life. If you are on a path, you need order in your life. Toxic people thrive on chaos. Also, it is not your job to fix anyone. Everyone has to bear their own sorrows and delights. Do not be overly empathetic and dedicate yourself to improving a toxic individual. You will not be able to, and they will undoubtedly ruin your happiness.
Choose life. Stay away from toxicity.
Toxic people are easy to get rid of. You can ignore them, block them, or just confront and bid goodbye. Toxic environments are a real challenge. It is not always feasible to uproot yourself entirely from a toxic environment and find an attractive spot in a nurturing environment.
Any environment could be toxic – a toxic workplace, a toxic family, a toxic society, or a toxic country.
You always know when you are unhappy. And we are talking about real unhappiness, not the one which we purposely manifest from within just because we are inadequate, that’s another story.
If you are in a workplace that demands extra hours, offers no appreciation, doesn’t value you as an employee, finding a better job is always a good idea. At the same time, if you are someone who thinks these are essential for you to rise up the ladder, if you find yourself up to the mark to handle such an environment, then it’s alright. The definition of toxicity also depends on your tolerance level. What might be toxic for you might not be toxic for me and vice versa.
I feel adequate in dealing with an insecure boss. Even though it’s toxic, I can work my way around it. You might get flustered dealing with such an individual. For you, finding a suitable workplace should be a priority.
There is no thumb rule to define toxicity. I cannot tolerate my relatives. A friend of mine lives in a joint family and is surrounded by toxic relatives. With time, he has learned the art of dealing with nincompoops. He can deal with attacks and counter-attacks. I would perish. He doesn’t thrive either, but it doesn’t bother him.
We all have our buttons. Some are easy to press, some not so. What really matters is if it is toxic for you, you got to quit!
There would be thousands who would ask you to compromise with the situation at hand. At times even you will conclude staying is better than starting fresh. If it’s a gut feeling from within backed by bulletproof logic, rely on your instincts. If it’s a plead by a lazy and weak mind, break your shackles, fly free! But remember, however appealing the consequences might sound, leaving any environment is challenging.
On another thought, challenge is what drives all of us. If any activity is too simple, we get bored; if any activity is herculean, we get tired and give up. It is essential to maintain an adequate level of progressive challenge to our controlling life activities.
Coming back to toxic environments, leaving a job where you feel suffocated might be a good idea for some. You can leave a job, recover, and find a better one. You could find a job and then quit. Whatever you do, do not stay around in toxic environments eternally. They will tarnish your soul and suck the marrow out of your bones.
In the case of toxic families, you must escape. Families have huge control over us. Stronger than the hold of your fav porno chick. Freeing yourself from such dependency, control, exploitation, abuse, and misguided love is a tooth to nail struggle. If you have decide to leave your family because you can no longer bear them, make sure you do not start as a rookie. A rookie mistake would be to go solo immediately. If you are used to people living around you, living alone can be daunting. You might get lonesome, which would induce anxiety, leading to depression, and finally, you will start questioning your decisions. Do not fall for this trap—Move-in with a friend or at least in a hostel or a shared dwelling. Once you get used to being without them and relishing solitude for longer periods, you are free from the chaos and toxicity.
No reason is sufficient to cling to a toxic environment. It’s not at all cowardly or selfish to uproot yourself from toxic environments. Not doing so is instead a cocksucker’s move.
Go where your heart takes you. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.
When we discussed toxic people, we covered people in your first level inner circle and extended circle. This section is for your immediate inner circle. In bureaucratic terms, those who influence your policy making – parents, loved ones, three friends with whom you bared it all, and a special someone who abused you and said it’s their way of loving. These are the ones who are mostly responsible for the beautiful mess we all turn out to be.
So, the question lies what we should do when our loved ones are toxic for us?
Should we bail on them?
My advice is yes!
Just pick a fancy bag, stuff it with all of your essentials. Get rid of the extra baggage in your life. Pick your bag and leave the interaction grounds, which are limiting you from becoming your best version.
Now, that’s my advice, which comes with a disclaimer: Only apply if you are a little cuckoo in the head.
I understand the importance of family. No bond which we develop in our growing up age or adulthood or later in life can match the intensity of what we create in our formative years. There is no denying that despite being toxic, relationships with family and childhood friends are mostly selfless and purely laid on the warm bed of unadulterated love.
However, it doesn’t matter how beautiful a flower is, it is always at the risk of infestation. Every fresh crop deals with its own issues of pests. That doesn’t mean that a family is a parasite that eats away the host, yet yes, that’s what it means.
It is essential to keep a safe distance from such toxic relationships so that you can develop a thick bullshit resistant coating.
We tend to suffer for our loved ones. It’s a great way to deal with toxicity. Bear, bear until you snap. However, the best way isn’t always the right way. If you have taken driving instructions from the Google map lady, you know what I am talking about.
Suffering induced by parents is a twisted form of love, there’s no denying this fact. However, the more toxicity you experience, the higher are the chances of your breakdown. If you breakdown or experience irreparable wear and tear, you won’t be able to alleviate your parents’ misery.
On the other hand, if you escape, grow resistance, and build a life for yourself, you can then spill over your goodness in their life, which can dull down their toxic selves.
In the same manner, siblings love us in their own twisted way, despite them stealing our clothes, money, and, in rare cases, love interests. We can breed hatred towards them for the rest of our miserable existence, or we can break free from the clutches of such insecure emotions and lift ourselves as human beings. Then we can invest our cognitive energy in making our life better, which in turn will make the lives of everyone around us better too.
If your childhood friend is now a divorced drunkard, there is no good you can do by associating with him/her. You can get them admitted to a rehab, send them for therapy, help them occasionally with a handout, and show them the right path, yet you cannot devote the rest of your life caring and nurturing for them.
Everyone has their shit to deal with. Lending our crutches to an able-bodied person is a terrible idea. Let them go through their struggle of life. Do not bail on them completely but do not get intertwined in their shit. That’s how grown-ups deal with issues. If you are a baby, then please continue being friends with your delusions and insecurities. If not, keep a one-arm distance.
Before you pounce on me with assertive remarks about how irresponsible it is to let go of such important ties, do a little introspection. You have clung to them for so long, how’s that working out for you?
How to beat aging
Damn! Feels so good to finally reach this section. I love it when we have laid down all the problems, and we are confidently steering towards the solution. The answer!
So here we go.
No major revelation coming your way. It’s the same old centuries tested way popularly known as Healthy Living. Yup, living a healthy life (both physically and mentally) is what improves your chances of seeing your grandkids smoke their first doobie. Just stick to the basics – Exercise, do what you love, learning, adventure, sex.
Physical activity not only improves your fitness, slows down aging, increases longevity, promotes healthy bio functions, but it also protects you from neurodegenerative conditions/diseases. To increase your stay on this godforsaken planet without paying extra rent, you need both – a healthy body and a strong mind. You won’t enjoy a long life if you lose your grip over reality as you age. Neither will you enjoy it if you lose your mobility. Physical workout takes care of both the bases.
Do strength training, yoga, tai-chi. Once you have mastered these, move on to learning a fighting skill. Learn taekwondo, judo, martial arts, boxing, or any such means of contact sports.
Pedal your way through your daily shit.
Run to avoid the clutches of overthinking.
Squat away your miseries.
Yes, it works!
Do what you love
Drudging what you do corrodes your soul and your body. Doing what you love causes elation, adding years to your being.
Mikhail Chiznametzy, in his bestseller “Flow,” introduces a trance-like work state, which we all can access provided the task at hand is just difficult enough to keep us engaged. Fortunately, flow doesn’t restrict itself to creative streams, as many other philosophers claim.
You don’t always have to paint, write, dance, invent, or create art to be happy. You should do if that’s what you are fond of, but it is not the key to happiness.
You can be happy stamping postcards, as Bukowski did. Motherfucker, spent half of his miserable life drunk, sitting in a post office stamping on husbands pleads to hypersexual wives apologizing for not making them cum often (ever). He still managed to lead a fulfilling life, not too long, but he was happy most of the time. Then again, he whored and gambled also, you shouldn’t be doing any of that, or maybe you should.
The bottom line: if you are not hurting anyone, if you are not wasting your time in idle pursuits, if you are not letting clouds of worry hover over your head 24/7, if you somehow manage to find something not too difficult to make your mind rule it out as impossible and not so easy that you do not get the essential level of stimulation, stick to it. Do it daily.
Find joy in what you do.
Try spending your time doing what you love. If you haven’t figured it out, love what you do while trying new things to see which one arouses your core. The moment you start this, you will feel like living longer, and that’s the breakthrough we all need – a desire to live. A gut feeling that life is priceless.
Also, keep in mind, work is worship. Pray Daily!
Read a book daily.
Listen to podcasts. (not one of erotic stories, ones that provide knowledge would be sufficient)
Read tech news. (AI just came up with an original dark joke. How fascinating!)
Watch porn. (just checking whether you are paying attention or not. Here’s let me spell it out, don’t watch porn! Whoa, now that we are talking, I think watching porn isn’t such a bad idea provided you don’t get addicted to it. Anyhoo, we will discuss this someday soon.)
Learning is food for the soul. As your body needs food, your soul does too!
Every new original thought fires a neuron in your brain. New connections are made. New patterns emerge. You let go of the rusty past and beam with joy in hopes of countless new possibilities. The shit doesn’t end here. It is also essential that you continue learning as it protects you from many neurodegenerative conditions.
Don’t forget to learn innovative tech upgrades. Tech’s going to be the future. It already is. You won’t enjoy asking a snotty millennial how to access “only fans” on your VR. Will you?
You have the spirit of an explorer. You were meant to climb mountains and swim oceans. You weren’t supposed to sit in a 6’x8 cubicle tapping on a keyboard for 12 hours straight until your carpal tunnel syndrome diagnosis comes through.
I am not pushing you to quit your job and begin a spiritual quest (I will be delighted, if you embark on such a journey and inspired too). There’s always a way to balance things. Maybe do a little yoga; it does increase the flow to your fingers. You might get saved from the carpal tunnel. Not from your ill-fated boredom. Sorry, no escape for that.
Our souls will wither and die if we do not feed it with novel experiences. There won’t be any trace of YOU left if you do not tune in with the gypsy within. All that will be left would be a copy of a copy of a copy. You don’t want that. Do you? You want to retain the illusion of your uniqueness. The best part is, yes you can, brother, yes you can!
Every Saturday morning before the first rays shower my side of the planet with a warm blanket of healing sunlight, I am off on my little bike; traveling into the unknown with a terrific speed of 12km/hr, without any destination in mind. It is not the destination which counts; the journey is what matters. (Whoa! These clichés at times fit so damn right in!)
We must supplement our lifestyle to include such regular moments of adventure. It will add color to your life. You don’t need to plan a vacation if you feel like getting a kick. Add little doses of exploration now and then. Yes, in the busy city streets. That does count!
You don’t even realize the city which you despise so much because it is nothing more than a stinking corpse inside a cemented cemetery, does have tons to offer. I remember days when I used to write pages criticizing how cities are ruining lives. Yet, the reality remains the same. We need them. We need them for dwelling, we need them for survival, we need them for our civilization, of course, at least until something groundbreaking comes along (maybe the space capsules we talked about earlier). Now that I have explored at least more than half the city on my cycle, I can proudly say – I love Delhi! It has all the colors one can ask for. There’s white, and there’s red, shades of green, a little beige, and holy shit, I know a secret spot, they have hidden a rainbow at one corner.
Damn, fuck! Isn’t that something to cheer for!
The point being, the traveler, inside needs to develop a stronger personality. Don’t keep him locked in only to whip out once a year (like you receive blow jobs only on your birthdays) when you go for your annual trip, with sanctioned leaves approved by your pot-bellied boss.
Feed the explorer regularly. I demand it!
Fuck, man, fuck! It’s a beautiful thing.
Lose yourself in love.
Cum and cry.
Cry and cum.
Making love is a beautiful act. Intimacy with a considerate soulful partner alters the fabric of your being towards better. An orgasm restores your biochemical balance. Of course, sex alone won’t solve all of your problems. It’s the wholesome relationship package that makes the real difference. Yet, sex in itself also is magical. Even if the act is casual, it will still offer you joy.
Love and sex-starved homo sapiens tend to leave the planet early. They do not have much to hold on to.
I am not going to make a strong case for sex. Whatever we do, we do it to get laid, a widely accepted theory mostly among biologists. Let’s just face it – we are base creatures, and sex is the most pleasurable base act.
Till the time you are enjoying a healthy sexual relationship with a partner, chances are your heart will stay more active and healthy. (oh, these matters of the heart!)
A healthy heart will ensure healthy blood flow into your arteries, making you disease and worry-free, adding more years to your life.
But a word of caution – you might be young today, and sex for you might just be a passionate act of fucking and punching. But please keep in mind that as you grow older and realize the ways of the world, sex, as shown on TV, won’t be the one you will be practicing in the sheets. It’s the intimacy that will matter the most. The little things. Those fingertip boops! (you bring your fingers on your partner’s nose and then make a sound boop) Those affectionate hugs! Those cute cuddles! At the same time, don’t let the beast inside of you die. Unleash it every now and then.
Create havoc in the bedroom. Love like you have never before. Love like it’s your last day. Love hard. Live long!
A bright future awaits you
The possibility is relatively high that today all you can think about is paying your bills and making a name for yourself. There will be days when you will be utterly broken and lost. There will be days you will feel like ending these shenanigans. You might feel an urge to jump out the window or just try hanging in from the ceiling. Go ahead, hanging isn’t bad. Till the time you are hanging in there.
Jump out the window from a 122 storey building with a wingsuit strapped to your body.
Life is crazy.
Life is beautiful.
Life is brutal.
Life is nurturing.
Life is a shady cunt.
Life is a delicious piece of calorie-free cake.
Life is what you make of it.
And undoubtedly, life is precious, not just for us humans but for every living organism with a beating heart and inanimate objects crafted with love by the creators.
You must add something to the world you came in. I would suggest you add value, add beauty, add art, add philosophy, add inventions. Catapult your civilization towards a golden era.
You have this one life given to you. It is a must you make the most out of it.
Those who still think life is misery blended with tons of suffering, at least live longer to watch those space colonies and bully your grandkids. Least you could do!
I guess that will be all for today.
Thank you so much for reading.
Have a healthy and happy life.
If not, at least smile every time you breathe, totally free, I swear. You won’t receive any bills of goods ever.
How long do you think you will survive? Comment below!
Success! You're on the list.
Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.
Sex alone can stabilize the levels of serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine in our bodies. To achieve spirituality, we need our biochemicals in balance. We do yoga, tai-chi, meditation, avoid stress, eat healthily, read, seek entertainment, browse social media, all in an attempt to get better doses of biochemicals. A single passionate sexual encounter can provide all of this. Instead of focusing on so many activities to reach a state of balance, you might wanna focus on sex. All else will then be easy.
How are you doing today?
I am fantastic.
Today during my early morning run, I encountered the lovely smell of flower mist.
Remember those ancient times, during our childhood, when you passed by flower gardens, which filled your lungs with an intoxicating fragrance. Surprisingly as we grew, the flowers stopped smelling pleasant. It’s not that they became extinct. Flowers are still around. Those you find at your local flower seller smell good and trick you into believing that it is real. Even though we all are well aware that these are sprayed with chemicals to look fresh and smell sweet, we compromise. We trick ourselves into believing the flowers are fresh and fragrant—things we do to smile.
It’s all right. I am not passing any judgments. Just sharing my observations.
I am not sure what changed today.
Was I more aware than other days? That doesn’t seem practical.
Maybe it’s because it rained last night.
I am not going to involve too much energy trying to figure out the reason behind this rare phenomenon. You should also try to wake up early someday and visit your local park and love those flowers as you love your wife or your partner or that sidearm squeeze you bang apart from the honest specimen at home.
The smell of those lovely flowers did bring back some old memories.
I recalled how I used to use flowers to cement my relationships. Now I use plants.
Recently on my first anniversary, I gave my partner a moon-cactus plant.
All these talks of flowers and plants pushed my stray thoughts into a dungeon of crooked modern courtship practices and failed relationships.
Something as beautiful as love is now being searched for on dating apps such as Tinder. I am not against hookups. If you love hooking up, hook yourself up with whomsoever you please. My concern is this false legitimacy of hookup culture as dating.
An app with an end goal of getting laid and releasing your sexual energies cannot be called a dating app. We should choose words carefully while describing events, phenomena, or things.
I have witnessed my friends of both the genders struggling to cope up with the psychological effects of hookups, ruminating the false set of expectations whether the girl or boy will contact them again or not.
Once again, a hook-up is no strings attached.
You cannot expect your hook-ups to court you.
People are way confused between steamy, raunchy sex, and a nurturing relationship.
How did we reach here? Let’s find out!
History of Relationships
So, centuries ago, we were hunters and gatherers. We were sexually free.
There was no concept of possession. Therefore a man or a woman never belonged to anyone. They both played their individual assigned roles and responsibilities.
Evidence indicates that all kinds of small bands of hunters and gatherers existed. A few believed in relationships. However, most of them were in an open relationship wherein everyone fucked everyone. There was a mother. There was never a father.
Few cultures believed that if a woman fornicated with many men, the chances would be higher for the offspring to be abundant in a diverse range of qualities and skills. Don’t forget there were no genetic studies back then. Nobody knew how things really worked even though they had a few ill-formed theories.
Then came the agricultural revolution which fucked things for all of us. Earlier, we used to wander new territories and explore new lands. Agricultural revolution domesticated us. From an evolutionary point of view, as Yuval Noah Harari puts it, we didn’t domesticate wild crops. Instead, wild crops such as wheat domesticated us. We became stagnant, forced to live in small areas in increasing numbers, surrounded by germs and microbes. From free creatures for whom the world was the elixir, we became filthy stinking creatures who ate where they shat.
I will not continue defaming the agricultural revolution. However, demeaning it was for humankind, it did bring a lot many advancements in human society.
Now because we stayed in a single place, we came up with the idea of territory.
We coined the feeling of possession.
It’s my land.
Imagine you were sitting on a mountaintop 10,000 years ago. Someone came and claimed it was his mountain. How would you have felt?
How can a piece of land be someone’s?
Nonetheless, we are highly imaginative characters. We built a few collective narratives like religion, politics, gods, and nations, to validate our actions and thoughts.
The idea of possession gave birth to the concept of marriage.
A new kind of institution was born—the institution of marriage. It believed in the sanctity of the bond between a man and a woman.
Marriages solved a lot of problems.
Now finding a suitable partner was no longer a responsibility of the self. It was delegated to the elders of the family, clan, and society. Marriages became a tool of convenience. Sisters & daughters were handed over to strengthen bonds between communities, kingdoms, and empires.
This setup continued for centuries after the agricultural revolution. It played a crucial role in increasing the headcount of our species.
I am positive many of these marriages must have been a fulfilling experience for both partners. However, my guess is as good as yours.
During ancient times the state was powerless when it came to the functioning of families and extended families. Villages were closed knit communities. Elders were self-appointed governors.
Then came the industrial revolution. The industrial revolution changed the way societies functioned. In the past, the majority of the population was mostly static, sticking to their birthplaces. Merchants frequently traveled, however, the idea was to earn more wealth. People rarely migrated searching for better opportunities and lifestyles.
The industrial revolution changed this. A big chunk of the population migrated from villages to prosperous cities in an attempt to make a claim at the riches cities used to flout.
The industrial revolution broke the family apart. Joint families gave way to nuclear families. The state grew more robust, started to interfere in the functioning of families. Human rights and women’s rights were introduced. Now, in theory, anyone was allowed to marry anybody and start a family together until the time they paid their dues to the state (taxes) and were model citizens.
Despite such drastic changes in human society, a bond that never changed was the relationship between a man and a woman. Today we will try to understand what this bond is and how we can strengthen it to enjoy a blissful life.
The importance of an intimate relationship
Despite the growing isolation in today’s society, one cannot deny the importance of an intimate relationship. A loner female also daydreams about a loner male with whom she wants to share a few laughs and eventually bed. A fulfilling sexual experience with someone we are fond of is likely to uplift our mood and help us see clearly. At the same time, we crave someone with whom we can share every aspect of our lives. Someone in front of whom we can be pure, unapologetic versions of ourselves. This need for a partner is as potent as a female’s desire for motherhood or a farmers’ desire for rains.
Men and women equally crave for healthy bonding with the opposite sex. We all want to fall in love, imagine fairy tale weddings, and set goals of starting a family sometime soon.
The current scenario
The industrial revolution, followed by the scientific revolution, transformed the fabric of our society. From a broader perspective, men and women enjoy equal rights and status, which wasn’t the case centuries ago. This change of dynamic clubbed with deteriorating social bonds has messed up relationship dynamics as well.
Initially, marriage was the one and only goal. None of our ancestors dated multiple partners and fell in love with one, only to realize that he/she isn’t the right person. Finally, divorcing the partner and starting the whole cycle fresh.
Urban men and women are not dependent on each other. They each make their own living and have a unique set of expectations from their partners.
Expectations mostly ruin relationships.
If an alien visits our planet. This is how she will explain our pursuit and need for a loving partner:
“Men and women are always on the lookout for a partner. Ideally, the goal is procreation, however, these creatures have a diverse set of rituals before they indulge in mating.
They dress fancily in conjunction with other animals on the planet. Females flaunt plumage, and men display a loving ferocity. What makes these species unique is their fondness of a variety of games to strengthen their bonding with their mate.
These humans visit a variety of congregations where they get intoxicated, dance and grope each other before culminating the night with fornication. Surprisingly fornication is only a small part of human mating. Every other activity plays as vital role as fornication in ensuring the male and the female stay together loyally for extended periods. Yet, these humans make fornication as the epicenter of their relationship rituals.”
Tough to rule out such an accurate perspective.
Boy meets girl and what happens after
Now that in theory, men and women hold equal rights and responsibilities, the relationship dynamic has revolutionized. In the past, both men and women assumed they were fated to be together. Divorces were a rare phenomenon. Due to elders’ interference and an obligation to maintain a social upstanding, partners split only in exceptional cases.
With the advent of the birth control pill, women were truly free from biological shackles. Now women could explore their sexuality without the fear of losing their careers and personal freedom. 70’s witnessed an era of the sexual revolution. Females now could choose mates as per their own preferences. And if found unworthy could dispose of them discreetly without much social outcry.
Presently in urban cities, men and women living together share equal responsibilities, not doomed to stay together in an unfulfilling relationship.
Let’s explore how a relationship progresses:
Step 1: A boy or a girl or both start fancying each other
Step 2: One of them is bold enough to start a conversation to spend some alone time
*So far, the attraction between the sexes is purely material either fueled by physical attractiveness or financial dominance.
Step 3: Both the partners share more about each other and frame a primary personality type of the person they are spending time with
Step 4: After a few enjoyable encounters, if both are willing, they indulge in fornication
Step 5: If the fornication is as good as spending time together, the relationship further strengthens
Step 6: After a few years of togetherness, spending a short time loving and ton of time arguing, both agree to spend life together
Step 7: If both maintain their personalities without going through radical change, chances are they might have an offspring together
Step 8: If things go all right, the couple stays together till the end of their time on the planet
The above representation is the most ideal circumstance. However, the reality is highly complicated.
As per statistics, the chances are very high that the partners lie to each other, do not settle disputes, engage in infidelity, are absolutely dishonest, do not share household responsibilities, try and break each other’s spirit until someone snaps and the relationship ends.
Have you ever wondered what is causing this deterioration in a wholesome experience, which impacts the quality of our lives profoundly?
From what I have read, researched, and understood, we are playing a game that we are inapt for. We need to change our strategy. We need to incorporate a relationship regime.
If we want a healthy life, we follow a healthy lifestyle.
If we want a sharp mind, we stay away from substances and embrace meditation and yoga.
If we want a strong body, we eat healthily and do strength training at least 4 times a week.
If we want a successful career, we work hard, build relationships, and take advantage of the right opportunities.
Similarly, if we want a healthy relationship, there are things that we must do in a clock-like manner.
A few years ago, a distressed female shared her ugly relationship details with me. She was hugely bummed by the fact that she and her partner didn’t communicate much and never resolved any issues.
I suggested she try to note down her expectations and discuss it with her partner like adults. She laughed maniacally at my advice. She enlightened me that relationship problems cannot be resolved by making notes on a paper.
Well, here was a distressed individual who wasn’t even willing to try new approaches.
I hope you are not as stuck up as her or else you are wasting your time here. Because today we will explore how we can strengthen our relationships with our partners using the right measures instead of relying on occasional emotional outbursts.
Past relationship experiences
Before we move ahead, we need to understand the role of our past experiences in shaping our existing relationships.
We all are familiar with mommy and daddy issues. Our parents hold the utmost level of passive control both on our emotions and sexuality. As put forward by Freud in the Oedipus & Electra complex, children have an unconscious sexual desire towards the opposite sex parent.
Little boys are sexually attracted to their mother and little girls towards their father.
This initial attraction marks the foundation for parental approval, love, romantic notions, and sexual partner choice.
Men and women who felt ignored and unloved by their parents during their formative years end up with various personality disorders, most common being a tendency to please people.
A male choice of partners and relationship dynamics are a by-product of his relationship with his mother.
If a male always wishes to please his mother, he is more likely to not resolve conflicts with his partner and compromise leading to an unsettling relationship.
If the mother holds a great deal of control over a man, he will never be able to make firm decisions independently. His decision-making capabilities will be compromised, leading to an immature reaction during relationship conflicts.
Men should do daily journaling for months or even years until the time they have torn apart their life entirely in an attempt to get rid of this toxic mommy influence.
Write down detailed accounts of all memories, both good and bad, around your mother.
Try and understand why you did what you did.
Understand your choices.
Understand your decisions.
Forgive yourself and your mother.
Hold no resentment.
If a female senses a man is too troubled with mommy issues, the best she can do is keep distance and allow the partner to heal. Often traumatized females prefer to be the mother instead of helping their partners to grow. That’s just throwing another set of nipples to a suckling child who is hell-bent on biting off those titties.
It will result in a disaster.
As is the case with males, similarly, females suffer from daddy issues. Females are more likely to choose their partners as per the understanding of their fathers.
While growing up, a female craves love, validation, and acceptance from her father. Her relationship with her father will pave the foundation on which she will measure her future relationships/partners.
Fathers come in diverse packaging. There will be those who would shower their daughters with abundant love and affection. They will make their daughters feel entitled and loved, expecting nothing in return. This princess treatment is likely to influence the daughters to assume they will always receive love irrespective of whether they deserve it. Such daughters will always feel unloved in future relationships because no boy will ever be able to love her even remotely closer to the way daddy did.
Well, Daddy just fucked her daughter for a lifetime! He meant well, but he messed it up.
Those abusive, violent, wife beaters of a father will force the daughters into believing all men are ugly, and they will always have unstable relationships. Either they will crave excitement by being around the so-called “bad boys” attempting to fix them or keep on bouncing from one guy to the next, hoping to find love and acceptance daddy never gave.
I can go on and on about different types of fathers and how they will impact a daughter’s choice of partners. But I guess you get the gist.
A request to every daughter whether she had a loving father or not, please let it go.
Your father was your past. Despite him being an inadequate asshole or overprotective or abusive, he wanted to love you. He did a poor job at it, but he wanted to. Whatever you are today – a strong, self-made female- hadn’t been possible without what you went through.
Thank your stars that your father despised you or spoiled you.
Hold no resentment.
Call him, text him, write to him.
Let him know, despite being good, bad, or ugly, he will always be your father, and you will always love him.
His life force created you. You cannot be happy until you accept him for the monster he is.
Once you forgive him, you will be at peace with yourself and ready to fall in love with the right person instead of getting influenced by your unresolved trauma expecting your partner to be your new DADDY!
Mommy & Daddy issues influence our relationships immensely, so do our previous relationships. If we were in a relationship that did not fare well, we hold on to the trauma. Either we would like to recreate a similar relationship or work around the same lines.
If your partner cheated on you in your previous relationship, either you would be overly suspicious of your existing partner, like snooping on their texts and emails, or maybe you will develop a cuckold or a threesome fantasy. People cope in different ways.
Similarly, if you were in an abusive relationship in the past, chances are higher you won’t enjoy a lot with an agreeable partner. Your idea of a romantic relationship was defined by a constant state of chaos after which you engaged in a steamy hate fuck. That’s how you were used to living in a relationship.
Suddenly, now you are with an agreeable person, who discusses issues, seeks a middle ground, and maturely resolves problems. You will start to crave an uncertainty, toxic influence that is not present. You may feel the urge to cheat on this someone because, in your mind, your relationship is dull. You are seeking a different kind of high. Chasing past emotions!
It is absolutely normal to crave your relationships on the structure your initial relationships were formed on. However, breaking the pattern is the right choice. The age we live in makes it impossible to know beforehand what new surprises a new partner will bring in. If you are healthy both physically and emotionally, you should seek a healthy partner and see how your relationship shapes up.
Building a relationship is like gardening.
You moisten the land.
You sow the seeds.
You continuously water.
Take care of the growing plant.
Keep on removing the dead leaves.
And, voila in a few years, you might have something worth cherishing.
The first step will always be to become emotionally and physically healthy.
B-grade movies and cheap fiction have made us believe there is someone out there who would make us whole. However, in reality, our emotional well being will attract the right person, not the other way round.
Yes, being with a loving partner will indeed improve the quality of your life. However, it will only last if you have worked on yourself to deserve such a partner. Otherwise, you will keep jumping from one shitty relationship to the other, fucking yourself up in the way.
If you are not healthy, you shouldn’t step into a relationship. It will be toxic for both you and your partner. Invest some time in fixing yourself to attract a desirable partner. Do not settle for anyone who comes in the way, hoping this time it will be different.
How to better your relationship
So far, we have discussed the importance of relationships and the various factors which influence our choices and actions in a relationship. Now comes how can we better our existing relationships.
We will be discussing this in detail in the following sections. For now, let’s see how an ideal day should be in a relationship.
Mornings: Mornings are extremely important. It sets the mood and tone of your entire day. If you are living together, your morning should begin with a soulful gaze. If you guys wake up at the same time, then nothing like that. The moment you wake up, make out for a minute or two.
(I am assuming you brushed your teeth before going to bed last night)
Make your partner feel special through your eyes and body.
Say nice things.
Tell her why you love her so much.
Make her realize how special she is.
If this requires work from your end, put in some work. Relationships are not built on hollow ground. You should be ready to work for a happy relationship.
During your free time daily, make notes about what you like about your partner.
What you love about this crazy woman. It could be as simple as her big booty, her culinary skills, or as complicated as her ultra sensitiveness, orderliness, cleanliness, or whatever lights up your face. Go figure it out.
Engage in some activity together.
Drink tea/coffee together.
Prepare meals together.
If you are a better cook, then maybe she can chop vegetables.
Remember, you guys are one, split into two physical mediums.
The relationship makes you one. That’s the beauty of a healthy relationship.
Beyond that, help her get ready for work. Be involved in her choices. If she wants your input about what she should wear, be there fucker!
If you guys are not living together, make sure you text, email, or call her first thing in the morning. You need to begin the day lovingly. What’s the point of being with someone if you cannot be head over heels. You must enjoy every moment of togetherness, else relationship will also turn into nothing more than a chore.
Afternoons: After your lunch, doesn’t matter how busy your day is, you should check in with your partner at least once. Do not plan a long conversation, you both have work to do. Just an affectionate hello would do.
01.23 pm –Hey, my day is going great. Your thoughts make it beautiful.
Hey, not having a good day, glad there’s something I love. (and that’s you silly!)
Out of ideas, Google cheesy oneliners and throw them at your partner. Your efforts make it special.
Hey, I am feeling a little light. Seems like someone stole my heart. Was that you?
Or just send a selfie, you lazy motherfucker! But do something.
Evenings: Evenings are lovely. You will be meeting the love of your life in the next few hours. Let her know how excited you are.
Can’t wait to see you!
Dinner with you is similar to sex with Angelina, and I just said no to her, so dinner with you it is!
Be innovative. Be affectionate.
I can assure you, if you genuinely love your partner, you will never run out of ideas to create such tiny moments. And such small moments are what bring people together. You can’t wait for your annual vacation to rekindle your love life. That’s stupid!
If you can’t love your partner in the city, mountains and oceans won’t make any difference.
Nights: Fuck motherfuckers! What do you want from me, a manual on how to do it? I am not writing it today! Maybe in the next few months.
The importance of sex
Sex alone can stabilize the levels of serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine in our bodies. To achieve spirituality, we need our biochemicals in balance. We do yoga, tai-chi, meditation, avoid stress, eat healthily, read, seek entertainment, browse social media, all in an attempt to get better doses of biochemicals. A single passionate sexual encounter can provide all of this. Instead of focusing on so many activities to reach a state of balance, you might wanna focus on sex. All else will then be easy.
Me and my partner, when we had sex for the first time, she said something beautiful.
She said, “Nishant, it feels so good when you are inside me, it feels like a missing puzzle piece perfectly fit together.”
I understand this might not sound sexy to most of you, but for me, this was the most beautiful expression anyone could come up with during or after sex
Sex is the most fun activity two individuals can engage in. If you are in a loving relationship, the pleasure intensifies a million folds.
Sadly, research studies indicate that we are not doing it right!
Yes, you heard it correct – we are not doing it right!
Most of the men are two pump wonders who think pushing themselves violently into their partners adds pleasure to both. If you are hungry for weeks, a dry morsel will also present itself as a delicacy. However, in daily life, every dish needs to be beautifully garnished to increase the dish’s appeal.
The anticipation of a tasty meal adds to the taste.
The smell of a dish opens up your taste buds.
You do not devour an expensive food item in an elite restaurant. You eat it slowly, feeling every bite to its full.
Sex is no different.
Let’s learn how to make sex work for us and our relationship. How to avoid being a slave to beastly impulses!
Spontaneity rewards us undoubtedly. Many times a spontaneous, unplanned sexual encounter makes the act more beautiful. In one of my previous relationships, my partner and I were having a violent fight. We were pushing each other and pulling each other’s hair. In between, she lost control and hit me on my face. I couldn’t reciprocate that, so at the moment, I bit her on the lips. Moments later, our aggressiveness transformed into a violent sexual encounter. We both were tearing each other clothes and fucking so hard that books started to fall on the ground from the shelves. We broke vases, glass items, and the whole room looked like a tornado just passed by. It was surreal.
However, an encounter like this cannot be planned. Neither can you have one of these more than twice a year. If you are doing this frequently, chances are higher, things are not working all right in your relationship. You guys might be hate fucking without even knowing it. Staying in a relationship just for the sake of sex is equivalent to casual dating. There are enough examples to indicate it isn’t a healthy trend.
Therefore we must plan in advance.
Imagine your partner passing you a note in the morning, which says, “Wanna make me your bitch tonight?“
You send another note, “Yes, I am going to make you beg!”
(If any of you feminists are flaring noses about the taboo language, maybe you do not know how fun it is to talk dirty. You might wanna pull your heads out of your asses and try taboo language sometimes—taboo for you, of course. We are free. You appear to be too uptight. Calling someone slut, whore is not an insult during sex, call men names also, no one is stopping you!)
Imagine your thought process the whole day!
Both of you will see a crazy energy fill inside you. You guys would restlessly wait for the day to end.
Just because you waited for something to happen an entire day will increase the pleasure out of it thousands of times.
Dress sexily. You and your partner both deserve a rush of visual sensory pleasure. Don’t deprive them by wearing mickey mouse print undies and batman shorts, unless that’s your thing.
Girls, boys prefer women who are in touch with their sexuality. If you cannot be that person in bed, you are not the right partner.
Not everyone wants a cute girl to fuck. And even if they do, try different avatars. Don’t be boring!
Be clean. Once again, unless both of you are into too much hair, be clean. The human tongue is a great sensory organ. It can do wonderful things. If you want to heighten pleasure, try being hairless. Allow your partner to explore every corner of your physical body. They won’t be able to if every now and then a bunch of hair chokes them.
Shed your inhibitions. There are tons of new things to try for both of you as a couple. There’s rimming, BDSM, threesomes, cuckold, roleplay, anal, toys, deep throat, dirty talk. Slowly and gradually, as per your convenience, push your boundaries. The couples you hate, think they are pretentious fucks because they appear to be having such a good time always are actually having a good time. They are not doing missionary 365 days a year. Let this settle in!
Don’t be selfish. In one of my past relationships, there was this female with a bush down there. Which is alright, I am not complaining. I was experienced enough to know how to steer clear of the forest and only focus on the nectar of life. However, she was never comfortable, giving me a blow job. Once again, it was okay with me. I derive pleasure from pleasing my partner, that’s my thing.
One day my tongue slipped into her asshole, probably my bad because I hadn’t done expectation setting. I don’t blame her, however, her disgusted reaction just killed the vibe. In a matter of days, we split. Now she’s an overweight mother bored with her sexual life. She’s only 32! You can imagine where she’s heading towards. A blissful happy married life isn’t on the charts.
Setting matters. Your bedroom is a sacred space. It’s a place where you and your partner will explore the unknown. It needs to be perfect. You cannot have a clumsy bedroom with too much bright lighting. That’s purposefully sabotaging your sexual life.
Imagine your spiritual guru’s photo hanging on top of your bed. Your partner gets a boner, and suddenly you see the guru watching you. You might not feel like taking it in your mouth with your guru’s icy cold gaze piercing you. Even if you are comfortable with your guru watching (maybe you are into that kind of shit, I am not passing judgment), why have unnecessary distractions?
Make sure the lighting is proper. Not too dim that you cannot clearly see your partner’s naked form, neither too bright as it kills the vibe. You do not want to see every mole and stretch mark, do you? If you do more power to you. If not, adjust the lighting accordingly.
No baby stuff, please.Even if you guys are new parents, don’t have diapers and kids toys lying around. That’s just a constant reminder that there’s a greater responsibility to be taken care of. It will impact your performance. You do not open up your email or hang your work trophies and certificates while having sex, then why display your kid’s stuff.
Fragrance matters. Not only both of you have to smell nice, but the room also. You won’t feel like cuming on your partner’s face, neither will she like to sit on your face if your room smell like Butter chicken or Ceaser Salad.
Smell is a powerful way through which our bodies communicate. Both before and during sex, our bodies secrete pheromones to entice our partners, which increases pleasure. Try sniffing her armpits for once, you would realize what I am talking about.
Sex in Action
For morons, I have broken down a sexual encounter in 3 acts. Let’s begin with Act 1.
Act 1: Foreplay
Correct me if I am wrong, especially females (leave comments). What I have gathered after speaking to 17 females who frequently indulged in casual sex with guys they met on Tinder is none of the boys gave too much weightage to foreplay. The average foreplay included a little of kissing, fingering and lasted less than 7-10 mins. Studies indicate that it takes around 45 minutes for a female genital to reach its peak state of lubrication. And on average, guys are only spending 23 minutes in the entire act. So most of the men are leaving their partners unsatisfied.
Females also shared that due to the casual and intense nature of the encounter, some of them did have orgasms, yet they wanted more foreplay.
I am not sure whether to attribute this behavior to the selfishness of men or overconfidence.
The bottom line, violently pushing your fingers into a female’s genitalia is not foreplay. Seems like men are watching the wrong kind of porn. Nonetheless, its never too late. You guys can surely mend your ways and become better in bed.
Sex is an act of giving. You have to offer all you have to your partner. There are many pleasure points in the human body. Intercourse without stimulating all of them is like eating your food raw without any spices or even salt.
Television has forced us into believing sex is a fast act wherein you tear off your partner’s clothes and start shoving things into her. Reality begs to differ.
Start on a gentle note.
Use all the tools to your disposal.
Use your lips, tongue, hands, and, of course, the rest of your body.
Caress every part of her.
Not even a single inch of her body should be left untouched.
Instead of watching porn, watch animal kingdom. See how animals make love.
They begin with smelling their partners. The scent of a body is a powerful aphrodisiac in its own. Cities have dulled down our sense of smell. You need to reclaim it.
She should be drenched in your saliva for the first 15-20 minutes.
Then slowly move towards her vagina.
Gently caress it using your fingers.
Feel every part of her genitalia. Lick it.
Lick her ass.
Your tongue should go so deep in her ass (literally) that you should be able to taste the shit she has been through (metaphorically). Make her feel loved while containing her feminine energy with a masculine force. She should feel your power.
Females need to do the same. His balls should ache. He should cry in pain before you allow him to enter inside you.
During foreplay, use external tools also. It is really disappointing that very few couples are using sex toys. We buy tools to help us in our daily activities, starting with brushing teeth, cleaning, cooking, and going to sleep. When we use external help in everything we do, why are we avoiding them in something that can magically transform our mental state and the quality of our life?
Every couple should try sex toys and that too in an incremental manner. Begin with the basics. Try lube, vibrators, lingerie, roleplay costumes. After few months, move on to butt plugs, dildos, and whatever else turns your crank.
You need to make sure that your foreplay lasts at least 30-45 minutes. Penetration before that is similar to eating uncooked food.
Act 2 – Intercourse
After both of you have spent 45 minutes in foreplay, now your bodies are ready for intercourse. Once again, intercourse doesn’t mean shoving your dick into her and pushing a few times. Intercourse, in itself, is an art that needs to be performed creatively. There are tons of literature available online about new positions. Try at least 5-7 every time. You guys do not have to make intercourse mundane.
Be a bit playful.
Pace yourself accordingly.
Both of you should take charge.
Let her ride as she pleases.
Dominate her a few times.
If you feel you can’t last long, pull it out and get back to foreplay. Once you relax a bit, begin intercourse again.
We must understand sex is not a monotonous act. It is a very involving act demanding a high level of awareness. You must be in good physical shape and a relaxed mental state to enjoy the bliss. This state can only be achieved by caring for each other in your daily lives. You cannot have a messed up relationship and hope the sex will be awesome.
Mostly for women, talking and fucking go hand in hand.
Communicate during intercourse. Check each other comfort level. Adjust accordingly.
Act 3 – Pillow talk
Fuck Act 1 & 2! Even if you fail miserably in both acts, Act 3 is what matters. After sex, both of you are in a unique physical and mental state. Your body and mind are experiencing a state that can barely be achieved after an hour of yoga and meditation combined. Use it to strengthen your relationship. Don’t be an ass and go to sleep.
Talk to your partner.
Tell her why you love her.
Share your dreams and aspirations.
Recall the best moments of the day.
Make each other feel good.
If there are any issues to be discussed, this might be an excellent time to get them sorted. And most importantly, lie naked against each other.
Do not rush into wearing clothes. That shows you have a low self-image. Your bodies must communicate with each other in this unique state. This will only make the physical bonding stronger. Someday when you guys would like to try anal or any different difficult position, your bodies won’t act stiff because it has bonded with the partner’s body.
And guys, she might want to use a strap on someday and fuck your ass. It is alright. Be open to new experiences. If she does things for you, you can’t refuse when it’s your turn.
I am going to keep this section brief. Maybe I will write another essay focusing solely on taboo sex. For today just a little bit of healthy discussion.
We are sexual beings. For centuries we have been sexually free. Somehow, modern society restricted our sexual impulses, which turned so bad that females are not even allowed to talk about sex or even their periods. You can imagine what this has done to our psyche. We have become slaves.
Sex is a medium to reach nirvana. For that, one must try new things. I am not forcing you to. However, please understand it is normal for a partner to suggest BDSM, Voyeurism, Cuckold, Threesomes, Swapping, or sexual encounters of such nature, which are considered taboo by society.
If two people love each other immensely, they won’t feel insecure about bringing someone else in bed with them or doing things a little out of the ordinary.
If you doubt my claim, check erotic sculptures in ancient Indian temples. They are filled with so-called unnatural sex suggestions.
A few years ago, a partner of mine wanted to have a threesome. She suggested it, and we had a great time. I was approached by another couple to sit and watch them having sex. I did so. It was enjoyable both for them and me.
We despise things which we don’t understand. People with a low level of awareness are always quick to pass judgments. Do not let the world tell you how to enjoy sex. You and your partner are the best judge of it.
Please be aware, I am not asking you to indulge in such actions. I am only educating you that it isn’t out worldly to imagine such fantasies and fetishes. I also understand many of you would be appalled at this moment, reasoning on how toxic this could be. For them, I would say, nothing could be more toxic than buying I-phones and Audis, yet that’s acceptable because television tells you to.
Television also doesn’t want you to use the word “fuck”. It beeps this shit. So either live your life by the terms of the TV or your own. You be the judge of it.
The importance of mutual activities
Undoubtedly sex amounts to more than half of the pie when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships. However, it is not the only ingredient. To make sex enjoyable, you need to also fix other aspects of your relationship. One such crucial point is the activities you enjoy doing together.
Many females complain men spend more time playing video games, boozing, and hanging out with friends instead of spending time with them. Similarly, men have such concerns too.
What’s humorous is most of these couples expect their partners to either chat endlessly over the phone or in person. The first shackle such individuals need to break is an illusion that they are interesting. None of us are interesting enough to hold someone’s attention for long. We are dull and boring. What we do makes us interesting. However, that too will fade away as we cannot entertain others 24 hrs each day.
If your partner enjoys singing or dancing, you cannot expect them to sing and dance 24 hrs. That’s why there’s a stupid box called television in your home.
If you genuinely want to spend more time with your partner, you must do exciting activities together, which both of you enjoy. There could be an activity your partner enjoys a lot, but you do not. You can still develop a necessary tolerance to show a bit of enthusiasm and participation.
There was a time, I was into gaming. There was this specific PS2 first-party shooter game called BLACK, which I loved. My partner wasn’t into gaming. So she came up with a bright idea. She became a lookout. She used to point out targets for me.
Shooter at 10’o clock. Bang went my gun!
Duck, Duck, grenade. I was safe.
This simple hack allowed both of us to spend more time together. In return, despite me hating economics, I agreed to be her study partner.
You need to come up with ways to do more things with your partner rather than resisting their choices and forcing them to act in a manner you want them to.
Watch TV shows together
Go to weekend dance classes.
Go swimming on Sundays.
Meditate while holding hands.
Go on couple yoga retreats.
You must break free from the mindset that you need vacations with your partner. Every day is a vacation if you are a good planner.
Even during these lockdown days, I cycle 70 km every Saturday to see my partner. She makes sandwiches for both of us. We go and enjoy a small picnic in a public park as there are no other activities to do presently.
Love cannot be manufactured. It needs to be grown organically by your toil.
Are you ready to put in the effort? That’s the million-dollar question!
The importance of sharing responsibilities
Spending time enjoying fun activities together will definitely bring you closer to each other. However, another necessity is sharing household responsibilities. This applies to both those who live together and those who are only dating.
You cannot expect a man to work hard while you enjoy your days watching television. It is not only every person’s responsibility to earn their own living, but each of you must also contribute equally to daily duties.
For couples living together, it’s relatively simple. One day you should cook, and the other day your partner.
If one of you doesn’t know how to cook, then learn. While learning, take care of the other attached responsibilities such as getting groceries, chopping, cleaning, boiling, mashing, and so on.
Similarly, water the plants alternatively. Wash clothes every second day. The list goes on and on.
No one of you should be taking all the responsibilities even voluntarily. It might feel good initially, but it is bound to create issues in your relationship dynamic in the long run. Sharing responsibilities is the only sustainable model in a relationship.
Men, please don’t watch TV while your partner is cooking.
Women, please don’t stay unemployed with the excuse that you are taking care of household responsibilities.
Support each other. Be an equal partner. With so much talk going around equality, its high time couples share equal financial and household responsibilities.
Those not living together need to make sure they are paying for their dates equally. A boy doesn’t need to pay for you. That’s demeaning to you. Similarly, you are not a vacation planner. Therefore every outing doesn’t need to be your headache. Plan together. Have fun together.
Men are not here to shower women with gifts. Women are not supposed to open their legs in return. This is not a healthy model. Do not expect gifts, if you do, then give gifts too. That’s an honorable thing to do.
Be you and let you partner be
Last but not least, despite being a single unit, each of you is a separate individual. Do not allow your partner to influence your life decisions. Who you are and who you should be is entirely your call. Discussion is healthy, mimicking is not.
I have seen couples who, after getting into a relationship, alter their entire fabric. That isn’t healthy. Making a few fundamental changes and upgrades to be more compatible is understandable. However, if all you do is meet your partner’s expectations, the relationship is doomed for sure.
Both of you are supposed to bear witness to the life journey of each other. That doesn’t mean you have to walk the same path. Don’t start drinking just because your partner wants you to. Do not change your hairstyle or dressing sense to meet your partner’s expectations. Discuss. Suggest. Do not manipulate. It’s toxic.
If you cannot love someone the way they are, you are not capable of loving.
You might wanna learn a thing or two about acceptance and resistance before diving into a relationship.
BE you & let your partner be.
It is a child’s play to attain a level of consciousness and get in touch with spirituality sitting in a cave all by yourself. There’s no challenge in it. Being with someone and getting stronger both physically and mentally is the goal one should aim for.
You are not supposed to be alone. You are supposed to be with someone who loves you, cares for you, admires you, respects you, whose gaze alone can pierce your body and melt your soul.
You are supposed to be with someone who will also annoy you, hate you, resent you, yet work towards resolving all those issues.
You are beautiful both inside and out. You deserve a beautiful someone.
BE that beautiful someone for yourself first. Then you will attract the right partner. Do not rush into a relationship to get away from boredom and loneliness. Until you do not accept yourself unapologetically, love yourself for who you are, do not expect anyone else to love you.
A relationship is not a magic pill, which, once swallowed, will change your life. It is tough work.
You need to be there for each other both in good times and tough. Sign up for it only when you are ready.
Do not waste someone’s else time and yours in futile selfish pursuits. If you are not ready to give love, you will not receive love.
Do not assume love to be what doped up poets and fiction writers portray in their work. Telly love is fake love. Real love arises from a pure soul. All else is a selfish need.
Be the person you want to love before expecting someone else to love you!
Hope this helped!
I would request you to share this essay on your social media if you liked it. You are free to accept or deny my request.
See you next week with another novel, fresh, and exciting topic.
Leave comments and suggestions. I need them to improve.
Also, please signup for my email newsletter to never miss any of my articles!
How’s your life between the sheets?
Success! You're on the list.
Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.
A victim mindset is hard to break from. However, once you realize you can shape both your present and future as per your liking just by breaking free from your past, you would prefer not to be a victim.
How are you doing today? I am fantastic.
Surprisingly the weather gods appear to be in an exuberant mood. The hot, arid summer breeze has given way to a mild gush of wet winds rich with the smell of freshly tilled land. Nothing beats the intoxicating scent of damp soil, opening her arms to embrace new hungry seeds willing to be infused with pulsating life.
Such minute changes always fill me with new hope of better times. Most of the time, my dreams get crushed, and the results of change are disappointing, yet I never let my expectation of a better day wither and die.
Talking about better days, we have already discussed in detail how we are responsible for not only our growth but also the growth of others around us. A simple act of being responsible spirals our lives upwards along with the lives of our loved ones.
The only hindrance in our path to glory is a victim mindset. It won’t be an exaggeration if we blame all of humanity’s troubles on victim behavior. What concerns me is a sharp rise in the victim mindset over the past decade.
Playing a victim is one of the most dangerous games. History has enough proof to substantiate this claim.
The Nazis were few of the earliest to play the victim card. Early in his membership in the Nazi Party, Hitler presented the Jews as behind all of Germany’s moral and economic problems. He blamed “money-grubbing Jews” for all of Weimar Germany’s financial problems. He also drew upon the antisemitic elements of the stab-in-the-back legend to explain the defeat in World War I and to justify their views as self-defense. In one speech, when Hitler asked who was behind Germany’s failed war efforts, the audience erupted with “The Jews.”
The Nazis blamed all of their troubles on the Jews.
The radical feminist blames men for all of her insufficiencies.
After more than 70 years of independence, the intoxicated Indian blames all of their troubles on the colonial Britishers and glorious Mughal emperors.
Dumb Americans consider their incompetency a by-product of immigration. They want their jobs back, which they do not want to do.
The victim mindset is not new behavior. The ancient Romans and the Greeks also displayed similar traits. However, their model was still a little refined than the crude blame game of today’s laypeople.
Ancient civilizations blamed the gods for their failures. They understood that their actions must have shattered ethical and moral framework and worked on ways to be more competent. They, too, relied on odd measures such as sacrifices and wars to please the gods. But at least they did not blame others for their shortcomings. They displayed accountability and ownership, a few of the most desired traits of humanity.
Modern society has a majority of weak and incompetent people who, instead of choosing to be responsible and accountable for their actions, shy away by blaming others for their failures. This will be our topic of discussion for the day.
The rising brand of weakness
A TV reality show is airing. Participants do their best as per their abilities to entertain the audience. The audience response is integral to their success. Like in the gladiator arena, the audience cheers only for the bravest and the courageous. However, the past decade has seen exceptions to this rule of thumb.
Today’s audience is mistaking mirroring weakness as compassion.
After every performance, the participant gets a chance to engage in a ‘soulful’ conversation with the audience to garner their support. Ideally, the participant is supposed to highlight their competencies, such as hours spent under training, how they mastered their craft, what motivates them, their dreams, and aspirations. All of these are crucial elements to be considered for forming a well-informed logical decision of who’s the best.
However, the game has shifted.
Now all of these participants race to influence their audiences emotionally by sharing a heart-wrenching story of poverty and hardship with teary eyes.
I call foul!
You cannot use your misery as an excuse for others to like you. Trust me, such liking doesn’t help you in any manner in the long run. It will only garner you temporary favors.
Soon enough, someone else with a more dramatic story will out shadow your tale of suffering, throwing you back to the well-deserved bottom.
Weakness is not a desirable trait. It might get you a few temporary wins, yet you will never taste success in the long run unless you grow more competent.
Imagine I write at the top of my blog: I belong to a destitute family, and I have struggled my whole life. Then I will rope in a few tales about my father’s alcoholism and my mother’s ill temperament. I will also throw in sexual abuse in the mix, which generates a lot of pity. And finally, I would urge you to read my blog because, as you know, I am so ‘miserable.’ Your act of kindness will offer me respite. Now, the weak among you will fall for the gimmick and shower me with support.
You are stronger than you think.
Stay strong, buddy.
We are with you, buddy.
Never give up.
You are beautiful.
My blog comments section will be filled with such a pathetic display of colorful, supportive comments.
The strong among you will still be untouched by the suffering I endured. You will judge me on the basis a writer’s art should be. You will not care a dime about my misery. For you, what would matter will be my writing style, my narrative abilities, my vocabulary, ease of understanding, and my content. The strong are well adjusted emotionally. They understand the importance of competency in judging someone’s skills. They do not fall for emotional drama.
There was a time when emotionally unstable people were considered an anomaly. A person was judged on how better they handle their emotional outbursts. A Viking king sobbing in front of his court members deserved a beheading. A leader can’t be weak. A weak leader will create a dull, immoral society.
History stands witness that even during wars, the brave never engaged in plundering and rape. It was always the weak. Weak waits for rare opportunities such as wars to indulge in deviancies.
It is essential to understand that incompetent people are way more dangerous than others. They are rich in self-loathing enabling whiners around them. They will always have malice behind their actions.
A strong person with high standards of personal excellence threatens the existence of a mediocre individual. The average individual will go to any possible extent to bring the strong down.
Once again, history is filled with such instances – whether it be Julius Ceaser being stabbed 23 times by the weak senators, or Socrates being poisoned.
Before we proceed, please note that incompetent people are treacherous beings. They should never be trusted.
Classic victim behavior in feminism
The radical feminists are the poster girls of vindictive, resentful, incompetent weaklings. Their entire philosophy is based on the illusion that men have an advantage in the world because of the manner our society is structured. They preposterously claim that for eons, men have subjugated women, never offering them an equal opportunity to rise.
No one will deny the fact that women had a terrible disadvantage before the 60s and 70s. This fact remains undisputed.
Yet, the fallacy in the logic is men being responsible for this disadvantage. If women were subjugated by men for so long, how did geniuses like Cleopatra, Mary Shelly, Laxmi Bai, Mother Teresa & Rosa Parks rise to fame? These are just a few examples. History is filled with competent women who held all sorts of positions in the so-called men dominated society. Women were writers, artists, painters, emperors, and pirates. Every possible domain one can think of, able females registered their supremacy.
Before throwing in the victim’s argument of how men have ruined women’s lives, one must introspect. There is no denying that men and women are equal in terms of skills. Any skill which a man can hone, a woman can excel in the same too. Yet, one cannot deny the evident biological differences.
Before the birth control pill took over the world by surprise, women were disadvantaged by mother nature. Childbirth was tough to avoid. A human child takes nine long months to be born. During pregnancy and few years post-pregnancy, females had to depend on men for food & security. Even if they wished to be independent, they didn’t have many options. This dependency could have become toxic and encouraged men to mistreat women.
There are multiple theories about why patriarchy emerged. Patriarchy dictated almost every civilization. Scholars till date are investigating reasons behind a universal acceptance of patriarchy. Until the scientific community reaches a consensus, feminists should at least avoid blatantly blaming men for their suffering.
In my personal opinion, if feminists really want revenge, they should destroy forests, water bodies, and mountains. They should try hurting mother nature. Men had no role to play in a female’s misery. Men and women equally were scorned by nature for whom an animal is as deserving as a human being.
Women had a lower upper body strength, which made them less effective in hunting. In the hunter’s gather’s setup, a woman was better suited for roles indoors. When society progressed, capable women who choose to work did face initial difficulty, but that’s how change looks like.
Change is tough. Change takes time. Centuries of practice cannot be changed overnight.
If I request you to change your daily routine on a day’s notice, how well will you fare?
Something as simple as changing your waking up time will take you 66 days to master. How can you expect a social change to be implemented overnight?
After the birth control pill, things changed drastically for females. They were quickly integrated into the workplace. In less than 50 years, women are holding topmost senior positions in finance and banking, which were earlier considered to be reserved for pot-bellied cigar-smoking bald men.
Undoubtedly, their journey has been unpleasant. But so is any change, initially. If seen in a historical context, the last 20 years have witnessed a remarkable growth in equality.
Yet, a lot many women still want to play the victim card to hide their incompetency. If you have excellent professional and interpersonal skills, you can survive any boardroom discrimination. Also, discrimination is not limited to women. Men who do not take smoke breaks with their managers are less likely to be considered for senior-level positions. How will you beat this?
Do you want another movement for non-smokers? Do you want non-smokers to blame the smokers for having the upper hand? Will you entertain such claims of discrimination?
No one in their right minds will.
For centuries men and women have held hands together and survived the sufferings of this world. The entire idea of a family is men and women are a single unit responsible for able and competent children.
I used to attend a creative writing class in SACAC, Hauz Khas, New Delhi. After my certification, I organized a few creative writing workshops. The response was overwhelming. Boldened by my newly found success, I approached my instructor for an opportunity of a guest lecturer.
He chose a female instead of me.
I trusted his judgment. I realized in his eyes, or in reality, the said female was more competent for the position.
I could have easily played a victim role.
I could have claimed elderly men give more opportunities to females. They don’t judge people by their skills but rather than looks.
I could have gone more ugly. I could have shouted discrimination. I could have easily concocted compelling stories twisting a few facts to substantiate my claims.
I chose not to. Because I know I am a competent individual. If I didn’t get the position I wanted, it means I need to work on my skills. She must have been more skilled than me.
This is a sheer fact feminists are ignorant of. Yes, there will always be people who would discriminate. Fight for equality is a never-ending battle. Yet, instead of blaming your inadequacies, if you are blaming the system, you have already lost. You are not willing to invest more time to hone your craft, and you have turned negative. A negative mindset is a toxic mindset. Toxic people are harmful both for themselves and for the people around them.
If you are a feminist, I will request you to edit your narrative and include that everyone is discriminated in some manner or other. The only way to battle discrimination is by being more capable, not by blaming others.
Raising your voice against discrimination is a necessity. But before doing so, at least read a little of the history and get your facts straight.
Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, these legends did not fight discrimination with ignorance and false claims. They fought discrimination with facts, with knowledge, with competence.
Victim Behavior Among Obese People
Obesity is on the rise. Every corner is filled with delicious mouth-watering treats. These treats are laden with unwanted calories. An unhealthy diet clubbed with a poor lifestyle is making people fat.
To my utter disgust, a hashtag has recently started trending. George Floyd’s murder has risen people to unite for racial equality. #Blacklivesmatter is a way to show solidarity for victims of racial justice. However, this hashtag has been morphed as #fatlivesmatter.
I am all pro-life—every life matters, including those of animals and insects. And yes, fat lives matter too. Many people are suffering from obesity due to thyroid disorders and diabetes, to name a few. They should not be mistreated. For that matter, no one should be mistreated.
Yet this devastating new trend is exceptionally toxic.
If you cannot bear the burden of taking care of yourself and end up getting obese, how is it the world’s fault? The world always rates people in terms of attractiveness. Research on the halo effect reveals our cognitive bias towards attractive individuals. If a confident, squared jaw able-bodied person claims something, it will be listened to with more ardency in comparison to the same words being spoken by an unattractive speaker.
So what’s the goal here?
Are we planning for another social reform to eliminate every sort of cognitive bias human beings have?
Just for the record, it is impossible. It cannot be done.
Our psyche is structured in a manner to include cognitive biases. Yogis achieving nirvana also have a tough time steering around their prejudices. How would a layperson accomplish this?
Obese women blame attractive females for setting unrealistic standards for beauty. I admire beauty. Beauty is food for my soul. Beauty, for me, is not limited to physical attributes. Every complexity aligned with order is beautiful.
Trigonometry is beautiful. So is geometry.
Music is beautiful, so is poetry.
Yet, I despise fat people. The idea that someone cannot make time for their physical self whose whole purpose is to experience this rewarding life is disheartening.
If allowed to rate someone who does yoga, workout, and is extremely fit and a couch potato, I will definitely evaluate the attractive person higher. Now, how is it bias?
When we are talking about physical attractiveness, a fat person is bound to lose. They will get fewer options for finding a suitable mate. It is evolutionary. We all like to spend time with attractive people, provided they are good-natured human beings as well, that goes without saying.
On the other hand, if I have to rate someone’s work skills, then obviously, I won’t be haloed. If a fat person has better managerial skills, I will choose them over an attractive person.
Instead of blaming the world for their inadequacy in maintaining their physical self, fat people should probe inward to start a journey on the path of fitness. The world will include you, surely. You won’t be left out, but in this lifetime, you cannot change the world view about fitness. Physical fitness is an attractive quality and will always remain so.
Victim Behavior among Drug addicts
I have paid my dues when it comes to addiction. I suffered from chronic substance abuse disorder.
Even today, whenever I go out partying with my friends, there’s always an oddball who insists on me drinking. I try to make people understand I no longer enjoy getting intoxicated, especially the kind of high which alcohol induces.
The young, vibrant guys try to tease me by making assumptions that I probably don’t handle alcohol well. My response always is, if I start drinking, the bar will get empty. They laugh and then move on.
What they fail to realize is the brazen truth behind my words. There was a time I was so fascinated with alcohol, I used to survive on it. Beer, whiskey, and scotch were like breakfast, lunch, and dinner for me. I used to drink 12 pints with one potato. I have lived such periods periodically in my life. The substances used to change, but the lifestyle remained the same.
When my liver gave up, I substituted alcohol with weed. When my lungs gave up, I replaced weed with cocaine. When my nostrils gave up, I was about to move towards my veins. Luckily, the universe intervened to mend my ways. Else I would not be alive to share this anecdote with you.
I have a pattern of behavior. Whenever I begin something, I make sure I see it to the end, whether it be pleasant experiences like workout, bicycling, and reading or bad habits such as procrastination, unhealthy eating habits, and substance abuse.
This – go all the way or don’t even start – strategy has helped me a lot. It has made things a lot easier for me. I abuse stuff to the core, which in turn makes me hate harmful activities. I am not recommending this strategy to you, but yes, for the record, it does work.
Drug addiction is definitely a growing concern for humanity. Earlier it was difficult to find a drug to abuse. There wasn’t an abundance. Now the spectrum has shifted. Every 3rd person you meet can hook you up with a peddler. Movies and television have glorified smoking, drinking, and drugs to such an extent that clumsiness has become the new cool and discipline is frowned upon.
You can do an experiment.
Go visit a college.
Gather a few students and ask them their plans for the weekend.
9 out of 10 will share their plans to party. One loner will tell how he plans to fix his room as it is at present unorganized.
Compare the hooting for the nine and the booing of the one.
The tables have turned.
Cool people do drugs till they lose everything and become uncool.
While uncool people work hard till they become prosperous and then they are termed cool again.
Undoubtedly drug addiction is mostly not a choice. It is a means to escape from a traumatic past and an uncertain future. Kids with unresolved childhood issues are more prone to turn to addiction than those with a healthy family and nurturing upbringing.
Research studies indicate, if a lab rat is kept in isolation, it chooses cocaine over food. However, when the same rat is united with other rats, he gets back to his usual ways. He prefers to do rat things over drugs.
This changes everything we know about addiction.
This clearly indicates if we can create a purposeful life, our psyche will choose to invest energy in productive activities rather than stay hooked to substances.
I personally transformed my life by finding meaning in my day to day activities, so I can vouch this shit works.
Drug addicts must revisit their flawed narratives about their misery.
Once again, I am not nullifying your pain or suffering. I am deeply empathetic to all the bad experiences which push one towards addiction. But the question remains the same. What will we do about it?
We can’t give up on life and tap out.
Yes, we are a by-product of our surroundings.
Yes, childhood abuse and trauma are responsible for our irrational behavior.
However, for how long will we play the victim card.
Today if someone dies of addiction, they are not only going against the default human nature, which insists we must survive, but they are also adding more misery to their loved ones.
If you can’t induce happiness in other people’s lives, at least don’t be a reason for their sorrows. Least one could do.
Addiction can be fought with the right set of habits.
You will need to restructure your life.
It will be difficult, but it is doable.
Considering yourself as a victim of surroundings and circumstances will get you nowhere.
Victim behavior among Nihilists
I love nihilists. It takes balls to be one.
A nihilist believes that life is meaningless and has rejected all moral and religious principles. I admire nihilists because it is the first step towards finding our true selves.
One cannot restructure their life without wrecking it first. Only when you have destroyed yourself, you can rebuild a healthier self. Every age-old structure must be brought down to create a better version.
Nihilists have a unique narrative. They believe because life has no meaning, any action they take is meaningless. This philosophy helps them escape the drudgery of life. However, they pay a massive price for the same.
A nihilist would not even wake up because what’s going to change – nothing!
At many levels, nihilists are absolutely correct. At least they are wiser than those who fancy a false utopian narrative, which claims riches and success can make people happy. Nihilists are way ahead on the curve.
The only fault with their way of thinking is the sheer fact that their lifestyle increases their misery. We have already established multiple times in the past that life is endless misery. Our goal is to do our best to minimize it.
Imagine this – you and your wife split up. Shit happens! People whom we used to love more than our life turn into bloodthirsty monsters. Getting away from them remains the only choice.
Now even after splitting up, you and your wife can choose to remain friends so that you can provide a nurturing platform for your kids to grow, or you can prefer to continue fighting for the rest of your life and poison your kids’ minds with toxicity.
We all get a choice to minimize misery or transform misery into a living hell.
Imagine your mother dies. Death of a loved one, especially mother, is the most dreadful experience in an adult’s life. What could be worse than it?
There’s an endless amount of crazy in the world.
You can add more misery to your mother’s funeral. Imagine you and your siblings fighting over our dead mother’s grave about sharing the leftover estate. This action will then transform misery into a living hell.
This is what nihilists do.
They transform their already miserable lives into hell.
I empathize with nihilists. I have spent close to 4-5 years being one. But sadly, nihilism resolves nothing.
A nihilist’s worldview claims life is truly meaningless, so why try. They consider themselves cheated by religion and institutions, peddling happiness.
Get a job, and you will be happy.
Get married, and enjoy life.
Get uber-rich and stay in bliss.
Kids will add meaning to your life.
Charity will uplift you.
I call bullshit!
Indeed, external experiences alone cannot improve the quality of our life. Nihilists have figured it out.
However, instead of attempting to minimize misery by constructive actions, nihilists choose to debase their existence on the pretext that they have been cheated by the universe.
As appealing as it sounds, nihilism is not a very enriching lifestyle.
Instead of being a victim of surroundings, nihilists should work to uplift themselves from a state of misery towards a state of flow induced by creative activities. Life is too precious to waste, puking, and shitting on the bed.
Victim behavior among Indian nationalists
This is a brand new shit. In the past 6 years, Indian right-wing fanatics have woven a unique victim narrative.
An Indian right-wing fanatic, referred to as “Bhakth,” has a unique explanation for their inadequacies.
As we have seen, victim behavior is prevalent in almost all aspects of life. Yet, these nationalists have set new benchmarks of idiosyncrasy.
Feminists blame men.
Addicts blame society.
Nihilists blame the universe.
Each one of them mostly chooses to blame a single entity.
These right-wing nationalists have more than a bunch to blame.
They begin by blaming their miseries on Muslims. We all know Muslim invaders captured parts of India in the past and committed atrocities of war, similar to any enemy force of the time. What needs to be noted is these 21st-century people blame 15th-century invaders who chose to be a part of our country and contributed heavily to education, knowledge, architecture, and culture.
If left to these fanatics, they will destroy every single magnificent monument built by legendary Mughal emperors.
The shit doesn’t end here.
If the Muslim narrative doesn’t suit their cause, they move on to the colonial forces.
As with most of the countries, India, too, was captured, plundered, and had her share of misery inflicted by British colonial forces. So if there is some evil which cannot be blamed on to Muslims, it goes towards colonial rulers.
I wish the shit ends there, but sadly it doesn’t.
If Muslims and Britishers do not fill the vacuum, then comes the previous ruling party and their prime ministers.
The current PM Modi is always quick to blame every quicksand on Pt. Jawahar Lal Nehru, who died in 1964. It’s been 56 years since Nehru’s demise, yet he is still being blamed for miseries of 21 century.
Taking a notch ahead, the current home minister Amit Shah blamed the opposition for poor handling of COVID-19 and migrant crisis. He accepted the ruling party’s failure in properly handling the situation, but was quick to blame the opposition and questioned them for their role. This has happened for the first time in history that a ruling party is blaming the opposition for their personal failures.
Similarly, anything worth discussing is blamed on either Pakistan or China.
I understand that the actions of a few Muslim invaders were inhuman.
Colonial forces plundered almost every nation equally.
But what are we gaining by blaming forces which have no role to play in the existing spectrum.
India should get more responsible and strong. Blaming others for failures will only make Indians more inapt to deal with future global issues and crises to follow.
The easiest way to deal with personal failure is to shift the blame on someone else.
The right way is to act responsibly and be accountable.
I hope these fanatics do a little introspection and break free from the victim loop. Otherwise, the future appears pretty bleak for Indians.
How to escape victim behavior
If you wish to achieve success or tranquility in life, you will need to shed your victim cloak and be responsible.
You are responsible for your failures.
You are responsible for your mistakes.
You are responsible for your misery.
You are responsible for your suffering.
Any good that ever happened to you was a chance of luck.
Every awful experience you went through was entirely your fault.
I totally understand that murder, rape, honor killings, and similar heinous crimes cannot be the fault of a victim. However, it is essential to interpret words in the right manner.
Even if you are a rape victim, you cannot hold a grudge against your perpetrator for the rest of your life. Such behavior is toxic and will do no good to either you or your loved ones.
Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for 27 years. On his first day, he was asked to dig a grave for himself and then lie down. While he lay down, the guards took turns and urinated on him. This humiliating act was supposed to break his spirits.
Upon his release 27 years later, Mandela was appointed the first president of South Africa. All those guards were terrified. They feared Mandela will take his revenge. Instead, Mandela invited one of those former jailers to his inauguration dinner to forgive him for his misdeeds.
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
― Nelson Mandela
We all experience and witness trauma. Most people who are admired for their strong will realized their strength in times of adversity. I am not claiming bad things happen to you, so you could get better. However, it is easier to cope with misery if you choose to get stronger and identify ways to improve yourself rather than looking for options to shift the blame on external forces.
It is not easy to be responsible. A victim mindset is hard to break from. However, once you realize you can shape both your present and future as per your liking just by breaking free from your past, you would prefer not to be a victim.
Imagine a child who has been failing in studies since he took his first exam. It doesn’t matter how hard he studies, whenever he appears for a written test, his past experiences overwhelm him. Despite his best efforts, he fails again.
If the same child changes his domain and appears for a new exam because he is aware this is the first time he’s attempting it, he will have no qualms. Even if he doesn’t give his 100%, he’s more likely to succeed.
This is the sole reason many individuals claim a better quality of life after taking psychedelics. Psychedelics reset our neural pathways. Every past experience, which was robustly imprinted in our psyche, is loosened. Psychedelics loosen the grip of past on us, freeing us from unwanted guilt, shame, and remorse. We are free to begin fresh.
I am not asking you to use psychedelics to improve yourself. However, we need to embrace a strategy to break free from the past.
How to break free from the victim mindset
I played a victim for long. Nothing ever worked out for me. I suffered from sexual abuse as a child, which I then used to justify my impulsiveness and addictive behavior.
I grew up in an uncooperative society, which I used to justify my contempt for social practices and institutions such as marriage, family, and tightly knit communities.
I was raised by religious parents. Very few people understand profound religious texts which are open to interpretation. Sadly every sacred text has been misinterpreted by ignorant bigots. I used this as an excuse to justify my nihilism and nihilism as an excuse for procrastination.
There is always a good reason to justify our failures. There is always a decent excuse to blame our failures on others. The only flaw with this approach is you won’t move ahead in life. If you are stagnant on a planet rotating at the speed of 1,000 miles per hour, you might very well be dead instead. There’s no point in staying where you are for the rest of your life.
It is essential to claim your true self. Restructure your life in such a manner that gives you total control over your choices. Instead of embracing life as it comes, you must create life as per your liking.
These simple steps can help you shed your victim’s skin and emerge as a winner.
Restructure your life with the right habits (Discipline)
Stay in control
Make conscious choices
Goal setting is the first step towards constructing an autotelic personality. Lack of well-defined goals promotes procrastination & anxiety.
Once you have set well-defined goals, you must track them regularly.
Every daily relevant action must help you get closer to your long-term goal.
My goal in life is to help the mentally ill because I suffered from mental illness for more than 30 years.
Every action I take is in sync with this goal.
My content, my routine, my conversations, my consumption – all of these contribute towards my final goal.
I am intensely involved in the pursuit of my goal, leaving no room for stray thoughts.
Even when I encounter an issue in which I could easily play a victim and blame circumstances and others, I choose not to, considering the amount of wasted time and energy in constructing such a narrative. I immediately take responsibility and identify ways to ensure similar incidents do not get repeated in the future.
I write daily journals tracking my daily progress, which keeps me vested.
Alternatively, I can stick to my previous nihilist self and embrace addiction while blaming society and an unfair world for my misery. However, such an approach will not get me any closer to my goal. Therefore goal setting is an excellent way to get rid of the victim mindset.
Set long term goals.
Break them into micro-goals.
Track your progress.
Learn from your failures.
Update your strategy
You are responsible for your physical self, mental wellness, professional obligations, personal obligations, learning curve, time, energy, expectations of your loved ones, your community, and your society. In a nutshell, you are responsible for every piece of matter you interact with in your day to day life.
If your colleagues are not meeting their targets, it is your responsibility not only to complete their deficit but also to help them come up the learning curve.
If you see someone throwing garbage on the street, it is your responsibility to pick it up and place it in a dustbin.
You can get upset and blame the other person or your government, but this approach won’t change the situation at hand. However, if you pick up the garbage and put it in a bin, the problem will be solved.
If you want to be a pro in being responsible, then go ahead and install additional dustbins in your locality. Take it a notch further and pool in some like-minded people. Organize street plays and educate others about hygiene practices.
Complaining and blaming others doesn’t really solve anything. Taking initiatives does. Only a responsible person can take initiatives. Get responsible, dude!
Restructure your life with the right habits (Discipline)
Once you have set goals and start acting responsibly, you must reorganize your life. If you have been working as a victim for long, the chances of you being indisciplined are very high. It is essential to practice a disciplined lifestyle to ensure your personality stays in order. Indiscipline promotes chaos. A chaotic self prefers to act like a victim. Needless to repeat, a victim goes nowhere. Even a snail goes places.
Start with waking up early. That’s the first step.
Include healthy habits in your daily routine, such as cardio workout, reading, meditation, yoga, and fasting.
One by one, quit your bad habits such as watching porn, binge-watching, eating unhealthy food, procrastination, and substance abuse.
Stay in control
Once you have incorporated healthy habits in your routine, you will get an urge to practice cheat days.
It has been three years since I started practicing healthy living. Every week or so, I get this intense craving to eat donuts or just spend my days binge-watching and getting wasted.
In the first year, I guess I used to give in to the temptation, twice every month.
The second year, with firm determination, I brought this frequency down to once a month, and this year, in the past six months, I have only failed 3 times.
You must understand we have old victim neural pathways still intact in our brains. An ounce of stimulation is sufficient to send us back walking on the same roads. Therefore, it is essential to stay in control all the time.
Daniel Kahneman, in his celebrated book – “Thinking fast and slow”, has explained two modes of thought: “System 1” is fast, instinctive, and emotional; “System 2” is slower, more deliberative, and more logical.
It is of prominent importance we do not blindly follow the thoughts which come to our mind when exposed to a known trigger of a bad habit. We must take a step back. Take some time to utilize system 2 to ensure we are making rational decisions.
Every time a smoker asks me – do I want to smoke? My system 1 wants to say yes, instantly. But I simply say, give me a minute, let me check my schedule. During that minute, I quickly run myself through the list of reasons which made me quit smoking. Aging is the most prominent reason. I love youth and beauty. I want to be surrounded by young and beautiful people for the rest of my life. If I have drooping eyelids, frown lines, and forehead wrinkles, I am positive they won’t enjoy my company as much as when I am an energetic, passionate, attractive writer. So after a minute, I refuse my colleague’s invitation for a smoke break. I know my goals. And I stay in control for the sake of them.
Make conscious choices
There are two ways to lead your life. The first one is going with the flow. You start working a job, you make a friend, the friend quits the job, you see this as a sign from the universe, you too quit the job and follow your friend’s footsteps. This might be a crude example, but this is a prevalent culture.
I know of a friend who met me and started smoking up. He then met a German woman practicing minimalist living. He began to do the same.
He then met some Goan singers. He began acting like a groupie.
Recently he met someone from the Sadhguru (a fake Indian spiritual leader) gang of hooligans. Now he is working on some Satyug (Golden Age) Project.
Due to a lack of clarity around their goals, countless people embrace life as it comes.
Others chose their next steps after thoughtful consideration.
There is no way to tell which approach works the best. You must try both the path to see which one is more satisfying for you. My experience has taught me to always make conscious choices. I prefer making my own mistakes and learning from them. You can either blame yourself or someone else. I choose to blame myself.
However, it takes practice to learn conscious decision making. If you have acted like a victim for long, you might want to try a blend of both. Go with the flow with small decisions that don’t impact your life much, such as choosing where to go out on the weekend, which songs to listen to, things to buy for home. And make conscious choices about people you want to hang out with. The art you plan on buying. Authors you choose to read. Influencers you decide to follow. As you get better, so will your decision making.
Each one among us has experienced oppression of some sort or the other. We all deal with our own set of issues.
The rich have their problems, so does the poor.
A sober person deals with unwanted emotions, so does an addict.
It’s a harsh world out there for men and a horrible life for women.
Atheists are as messed up as religious fanatics.
We all are beautifully flawed.
To create a fulfilling life, we need to stop blaming external factors and introspect. Being responsible for our actions and the people around us is a good start.
Hope this helped!
I would request you to share this essay on your social media if you liked it. You are free to accept or deny my request.
See you next week with another novel, fresh, and exciting topic.
Leave comments and suggestions. I need them to improve.
Anxiety is one of the most widespread forms of mental health disorder. Every third person on this planet suffers from some form of anxiety. If we plan to live a purposeful life in a functional mental space, it is essential to understand anxiety and learn how to deal with it.
How are you? I am fabulous!
Our intimate conversations are being appreciated by many. The feeling of positively impacting someone’s life is pure bliss. Thank you for being a part of my journey.
Great, now that niceties are out of the way, let’s begin our today’s discussion. Today we are going to talk about anxiety. Anxiety is one of the most widespread forms of mental health disorder. Every third person on this planet suffers from some form of anxiety. If you do not suffer from anxiety, it is almost certain someone in your family does. If we plan to live a purposeful life in a functional mental space, it is essential to understand anxiety and learn how to deal with it.
What is Anxiety?
Let’s cover the basics. Anxiety is a feeling of worry or fear about an event that might occur in the near future. Note the use of the word – might.
“Might” separates anxiety from fear. We will explore the correlation between anxiety and fear later.
Anxiety is a crippling emotion. Those who suffer from severe forms of anxiety can get overwhelmed imagining consequences, and false narratives. Examples of anxiety disorders include panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Ideally, anxiety only occurs if we are inadequate to deal with a given situation. Weak coping mechanisms fuel chronic anxiety. Stage fright, interview nervousness, exam fear, fear of nudity, fear of public speaking, agoraphobia, fear of crowds are few mild forms of anxiety.
Instead of facing their fears, head-on, anxious people choose to isolate themselves from situations that make them anxious. If unchecked, basic phobias with time metamorphose into a full-blown disorder.
If anxiety can make our daily lives miserable – why do we have a mental system which triggers it?
Ideally, as an evolutionary advantage, we should only have mechanisms that help us survive. Evolutionary biologists have proven many theories regarding elimination of unhelpful traits. If anxiety doesn’t help us in any manner, why do humans have to endure it. Let’s find out!
The biological need for Anxiety
We are homo sapiens. Humans, as the kids call it!
Neanderthals were our immediate ancestors. As the evidence indicates, Neanderthals also painted a few cave walls, which shows, they did possess creativity and intellect. If you can paint, you can very well enjoy the tiny moments of life. You will learn to appreciate trees, water bodies, the sun, the moon, and the stars.
We are all familiar with the survival of the fittest. Nature only allows the most resilient species to move ahead and eliminates the weaker links.
Now imagine two Neanderthals living in a cave. Let’s name them. How about Jack and Joe?
Jack has a higher sense of awareness. He doesn’t see things like others do. He is akin to Dolores of Westworld.
“Some people choose to see the ugliness in this world—the disarray. I choose to see the beauty. To believe there is an order to our days, a purpose.”
~DOLORES ABERNATHY (WESTWORLD)
Joe, on the other hand, is a simpleton. He knows his place in the ecosystem. He is efficient in the game of prey and the predator. He spends his days focusing on what’s important, which for him is – survival.
Let’s see how do they both proceed with their mornings:
Jack: Upon waking up, Jack listens to bird songs. He then strolls to a nearby stream and washes. Upon relieving himself of bodily functions, he stares at the sun admiring the glowing ball of light that blesses the world with much-needed light and heat.
After having a relaxed morning, he gathers fruits from the nearby trees to prepare breakfast. He makes sure to leave a portion of his food as a symbolic sacrifice to the gods, which is later consumed by herbivores animals. All in all, Jack is a cool dude and doesn’t worry unnecessarily.
Jack doesn’t realize, but he has an evolutionary disadvantage as per his era.
Joe: Joe wakes up in a state of paranoia. He quickly scans his surrounding for threats and dangers. He carefully observes the grass around his cave, searching for footsteps of lurking predators.
While heading to a nearby stream of water, he is highly vigilant and alert. Even while drinking water, he continuously scans for predators. He then sharpens his tools and heads towards a hunt.
Joe is well adapted to his era.
One beautiful morning when Jack wakes up and comes out of his cave, a tiger pounces from a nearby bush, marking an end to Jack’s career as a painter.
The same morning when Joe wakes up, he too is attacked by a tiger. However, he is alert. He quickly grabs his tools. Rather than becoming the tiger’s meal, he makes the tiger into his breakfast. Joe will continue living longer, as he is only focused on his survival.
Jack wasn’t well suited for his time. Those were dangerous times. The price for not being vigilant and alert was life. No doubt, Jack didn’t last long.
Importance of Fear
Jack was not driven by fear at all times. Joe, on the other hand, harnessed the power of fear, which made him a winner.
Fear is a beneficial emotion. Every species on this planet experiences fear. Fear makes us alert and triggers a flight and fight response.
Jack was unprepared to deal with the danger of a predator. Joe, on the other hand, was alert at all times. His alertness made him focus on defending himself against predators. He developed better survival skills.
Joe was well adjusted while Jack lacked essential survival skills.
For a Neanderthal, there was always a danger of getting hunted. Those who did not adjust to the threat level adequately were wiped off by nature’s law of survival of the fittest. Those who adjusted and got proper nourishment further evolved into – Homosapiens – us, the humans.
Our brains have a fear detector referred to as the amygdala. Its primary job is to scan nearby surroundings for threats. The moment risk is identified, a level is assigned to the threat. Depending on the threat level, the brain determines our response.
Our breath intensifies. All non-essential bodily functions are shut down. Energy is diverted from systems responsible for digestion and sexual arousal to your thigh and calves. As per the nature of the threat, either you run away from the danger or charge on towards the danger.
Without fear, our ancestors would not have survived long enough to reap the fruits of evolution.
Anxiety can be referred to as a pre-cursor to fear.
Anxiety helps us analyze future threats and prepare an emergency strategy. If we are well prepared, then in the state of fear, we would be more efficient to deal with the threat.
At times fear makes us freeze. If we are prepared for the event, we won’t freeze out of fear. We will deal with the situation.
Both fear and anxiety are a helpful tool for all of us to deal with imminent danger.
The systems we have talked about so far were adequate as per the Neanderthal era. However, with time, our environment changed. Now someone like Joe would not survive for long because he would be exhausting all him physic energies scanning for non-existent threats.
He would anxiously scan his surroundings each morning on waking up and begin his day on an unsatisfactory note. His state of mind would slip from morning to his entire day, making him highly inefficient in productive tasks. His stress levels would always be high. His heart rate and blood pressure would be skyrocketing. Joe would never calm down. Joe would never be at ease.
It breaks my heart to say that all of us are JOE!
I am Joe.
You are Joe.
Your best friend is a Joe too.
Had we been Jacks, we won’t be having this discussion. We would be creating art leisurely.
We have evolved a lot from Neanderthals. Our surroundings have changed rapidly. Our lifestyles have transformed. But our ancient brain still has all those primitive systems running in full gear.
For someone suffering from an anxiety disorder, life is a never-ending threat. The only difference between anxiety and fear is – fear is a response to an immediate threat, while anxiety is a response to a perceived future threat.
Now and then, we need to compute our efforts and progress to identify a strategy for a better future. It is a helpful activity. It helps us get better in all aspects of life. However, people suffering from anxiety disorders do not have their systems in control.
Anxiety worsens because our brains cannot distinguish between the imaginary and the real. It deals with every situation as if the situation is happening in the present. For an anxiety patient, constant threat assessment builds a negative mindset, deteriorating their quality of life.
Suppose you are not performing well in your studies. The only reason behind this is your weak skills. These could be any number of skills. You could have a low attention span, you could have low levels of intelligence, you could have comprehension issues, and the list goes on. You will always be anxious about your performance. Now, ideally, you are supposed to sort yourself out.
You will sit down calmly and identify the reason behind your lag in studies. Then you will formulate a plan. Maybe you need to get more disciplined, perhaps you need a tutor, maybe you need access to better study resources, maybe your home is toxic, and you cannot focus. Keeping the issue at hand in mind, you will strategically prepare yourself to proceed ahead in life.
This is how a reasonable person deals with anxious thoughts.
People like you and me do not process anxiety in this manner.
The moment we get anxious about our studies, we will think about it obsessively.
We will create imaginary narratives in our minds.
We will blame ourselves for our inadequacy.
In moments, the walls will start to close in. Our hearts will start racing, our palms will sweat, and we will experience a panic attack. Our minds will consider this as a fear sensation, and begin pumping adrenaline into our veins. We will need to run, but there is nowhere to run. There isn’t a predator from which we need to escape.
Dealing with anxiety is a fundamental life issue. We must be well equipped to conquer anxiety.
Over time our anxiety will worsen. The mere sight of study books or classrooms will make us more anxious. To save ourselves from angst, we would binge-watch or loiter. Do anything else to avoid thinking about studies. Unfortunately, this ostrich mechanism doesn’t work well, not even for the ostrich.
The only way to deal with anxiety is by becoming competent enough to deal with the issue, which fuels anxiety.
If you are always anxious about spending money, then start a systematic savings plan.
If you are anxious about your job, add more skills to yourself.
If you are anxious about your looks, spend time grooming yourself.
If you have social anxiety, expose yourself to crowds in a controlled manner. Get habituated to people.
If you have a fear of small spaces, practice staying in tiny places daily for 2-3 minutes.
The only way to efficiently deal with anxiety is to let your mind know, nothing awful would happen to you. You are well placed to deal with the current threats. If you are not, then you must.
Easier said than done, I know!
Don’t worry. I will lay down a step by step plan to deal with anxiety towards the end. However, let’s first realize that we are not the only generation suffering from anxiety. Nearly every civilization in the past, even the mighty Greeks and the Romans suffered from anxiety.
Anxiety in ancient times
With the advent of the internet and social media, many people are now becoming more and more aware of anxiety disorders. This gives the impression that anxiety is growing.
However, that is not the case at all. Statistics indicate that the percentage of people who experienced anxiety in the ’70s and those who suffer from it today is more or less the same.
We have always experienced anxiety and have dealt with it using more or less the same old tools – medication, intoxication, meditation, self-mastery.
Greek and Latin physicians and philosophers distinguished anxiety from other types of negative affect and identified it as a medical disorder. Ancient Epicurean and Stoic philosophers suggested techniques to reach an anxiety-free state of mind that are reminiscent of modern cognitive psychology.
Latin Stoic philosophical writings, such as Cicero and Seneca’s treatises, prefigure many modern views concerning the clinical features and the cognitive treatment of anxiety.
In the Tusculan Disputations, Cicero wrote that affliction, worry, and anxiety are called disorders on account of the analogy between a troubled mind and a diseased body.
Seneca, another Stoic philosopher, taught his contemporaries how to achieve freedom from anxiety in his book Of Peace of Mind (De tranquillitate animi [DTA]). Seneca defines the ideal state of “peace of mind” as a situation where one is undisturbed.
According to Seneca, fear of death is the primary cognition preventing us from enjoying a carefree life (DTA, chapter 11. “He who fears death will never act as becomes a living man”).
This thought anticipates the future developments by Kierkegaard, Heidegger, and existentialist philosophers about the fundamental anxiety caused by man’s realization that his existence is finite. One way to escape from the clutch of anxiety is to devote one’s attention to the present instead of worrying about the future. In his book On the Shortness of Life (De brevitate vitae [DBV]), Seneca’s recommendation is to combine past, present and future in only one time. Today, this focus on the present moment is one of the critical objectives in techniques such as mindfulness meditation.
Epicurus taught that the objective of a happy life included reaching a state called ataraxia where the mind was free of worry. One path to ataraxia was to get rid of negative cognitions about the past and of fears about the future since the only existing reality is the present moment.
In the 18th century, medical authors published clinical descriptions of panic attacks, but they did not label them as a separate illness.
In the late 19th and early 20th century, anxiety was a key component of various new diagnostic categories, from neurasthenia to neuroses.
Freud separated anxiety neurosis from neurasthenia.
In the centuries separating classical antiquity from the emergence of modem psychiatry in the mid-19th century, typical cases of anxiety disorders kept being reported in medical writings. Freud coined many of the terms used for various anxiety disorders in DSM-I and DSM-II. DSM-III introduced new disorders such as panic disorder, GAD, and PTSD. Significant contributions of DSM-5 are (i) a grouping of the anxiety disorders into three spectra (anxiety, OCD, and trauma- and stressor-related disorders) based on the sharing of standard features, and (ii) the grouping of developmentally connected disorders in the same chapters.
So yes, we are not unique. Anxiety has always been there and will continue to plague us until eternity.
How anxiety disrupts life
The primary symptoms of anxiety will appear insignificant. But the way these symptoms cripple our day to day functions is alarming.
A quick look might not make these primary symptoms appear acute. We all suffer from such symptoms once in a while. Enduring such symptoms daily makes lives difficult for people suffering from anxiety disorders.
Daily anxiety can lead to psychosomatic fever.
Around 40% of the working population takes sick leave very frequently. The statistics are similar for teenagers around school attendance. There is no denying that these individuals feel feverish, which is why they think they cannot work or study. However, their fever is not a by-product of a physical issue. No bacteria or virus is responsible for such illnesses. These are fatigue induced psychosomatic illness which happens due to the high level of cortisol in the body.
Anxiety raises levels of stress. Each anxious thought contributes to the levels of cortisol in the body. The more anxious you are, the less will be the secretion of serotonin, which is essential to maintain elevated mood and energy.
Anxiety-prone individuals are less efficient and productive despite being creative or competent. There is no denying that small effort accumulated over a considerable period helps us reach a desired positive outcome. However, anxiety-prone individuals suffer weekly or bi-weekly setbacks and cannot perform for at least 4-5 days every month.
If your competitor is a healthy individual with balanced biochemicals, they will easily outwork or outsmart you.
Anxiety not only hijacks our professional lives but also disrupts our personal lives. Anxious people have trouble trusting others, or they trust everyone. Both the cases are damaging for an intimate relationship.
They are either hypersexual or have extremely low sex drives. Once again, both of these can destroy your relationship with your partner.
Anxiety in today’s times
Anxiety is undoubtedly perceived as more common nowadays because we are vocal about mental health.
In the past, there were a lot of stigmas attached to mental illness. Nowadays, weakness is the new sexy. Shed a few tears, and the world will be at your feet.
This weak society encourages everyone to be mediocre so that others will not be threatened by competency. We have started glorifying every inadequacy. Fat people are beautiful and slender women are accused of setting unacceptable standards of beauty.
Progress and inclusion are essential. However, romanticizing disorders aren’t. If you suffer from an anxiety disorder, yes, you are not less competent than an average person. But being anxious doesn’t give you an upper hand either.
There is no glory in weakness. I want this on record.
If you suffer from anxiety, do not expect the world to treat you kindly. Instead, you should work on yourself and get better soon to be a more productive member of society.
Modern lifestyle contributes a lot towards anxiety. Even if you experience mild anxiety, alcohol, drugs, weed, lack of sleep, poor eating habits, and procrastination can worsen your situation. Undoubtedly our fast lifestyles are responsible for added stress which fuels anxiety. However, each time demands a different approach to deal with issues.
Joe’s approach is not going to work anymore. Jack is who our inner beings need to model.
Role of Technology and Social Media
Despite anxiety being an age-old issue, there is no denying that social media contributes a lot towards anxiety.
Every app on our smartphones is addictive. Once again, this is not a new phenomenon. The blueprint is the same as it was in the times of email.
Why do you check your emails?
First, you get a notification. It works as a trigger.
You are intrigued to know the details about the email.
It also gives you a chance to prove your responsiveness. That’s an added personal gain.
The more we wait after the initial notification, the more anxious we get.
Delay in checking email can make us anxious.
We worry that we might miss something important, which is rarely the case. But we can’t make our brain understand this. We will continuously feel a trigger to check our email.
Once we give in to this feeling and check the email, we experience a tiny amount of satisfaction. Dopamine is released. And we feel relieved. The contents of the email are no longer critical. Even if it was a spam email, we get our hit. Over time our brain gets programmed to derive pleasure from checking notifications. It acts as an escape.
Slowly and gradually, the trigger, which is a notification bell, is replaced by an internal trigger. Instead of getting anxious after the notification bell, we start checking for notifications, whenever we feel anxiety.
Giants like FB, Instagram, Twitter capitalize on this human weakness.
Anxious people spend a lot of time on social media, scrolling. Every scroll gives them a little surge of dopamine without them realizing they are exhausting their valuable cognitive energy in an activity only meant for leisure.
We must understand that social media doesn’t reduce anxiety. If you are already anxious, you are at a higher risk of being more anxious after your social media visits. When you witness pictures of other people’s picture-perfect lives, it induces a sense of incompleteness, and you feel more worried about your future.
But then again, we cannot blame technology and social media for our problems. In the end, we have control. The same technology also provided many solutions. We can quickly turn off notifications in our phone settings or assign a dedicated time frame for such activity. Not more than 15-25 minutes daily. We do have the capacity to change. What we need is a willingness to change.
Social anxiety is the most prevalent form of anxiety we witness in modern times. A lot of us are scared of social situations. Whether it be going to the college, a new workplace or a party, we all have experienced some form of social anxiety at least once.
Fear of a stranger marks the beginning of social anxiety. Ideally, for kids, fear of a stranger is a helpful trait. Kids shouldn’t be trusting everyone they encounter. They are vulnerable and do not possess adequate skills to judge a person’s character. However, if this underlying fear turns into a phobia, you are fucked for life!
If you were humiliated publicly as a child and you weren’t able to process your negative emotions healthily, your adult life can worsen. You might feel challenged in social situations due to unresolved past trauma.
People experiencing stage fright or fear of socializing are afraid of embarrassing themselves in front of others. This fear freezes them, and they get more nervous.
If a socially anxious female goes to a party, all of her survival mechanisms misfire. She considers herself a prey in between a group of predators. Imagine a rabbit in between a pack of hungry wolves. You won’t blame the rabbit for acting a little weird.
Anxiety is the reason why alcohol is served in parties. Alcohol, also known as liquid courage, calms your nerves temporarily, and you blend in. Though any sort of substance worsens your anxiety, in the long run, they are effective in treating the immediate symptoms.
The easiest way to deal with social anxiety is by exposing yourself to social situations more often. The more social gathering you will attend, the more confident you will get dealing with uncomfortable situations.
Managing social anxiety is paramount for a healthy and peaceful life. Once you start blending with people, you will realize that neither are you a rabbit nor they are wolves. People are mostly lovely, even if evidence point to the contrary. If you are socially anxious, start with small groups. Interact with people. Gradually, build a bigger network of people to commune with. Never choose isolation over someone’s company.
Isolation and me-time are essential, but it shouldn’t be the most desirable time of your life. You must balance your me-time and social company.
Never forget what “Into the wild” taught all of us –
“Happiness is only real when shared”
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild
My battle with social anxiety
It is a little awkward for me to share this personal story; however, keeping in mind the greater good, I will be as honest and forthcoming as possible.
I was a skinny, dark-skinned man. I was far from the acceptable definition of attractiveness. My grooming skills were also poor. I had no idea how to dress well and look good.
At the age of 18, I met a charming Kashmiri girl. In terms of physical appearance, we were poles apart. She was one of the most divine females Allah ever created. I, on the other hand, was made during rush hours.
Whenever we went on a date, I was always obsessed with my looks. I used to glance at every reflective surface to catch a glimpse of myself for reassurance of my decent looks. I understand that we all check ourselves now and then. But I was obsessed. I used to check myself at least ten times every minute. That’s a glimpse every 6 seconds.
We frequently visited a KFC outlet in V3S Mall, Laxmi Nagar. I always choose a seat in front of a mirror so that I could continue reassuring myself.
Back in those days, I didn’t even know that it was a symptom of anxiety. Fortunately, as I grew older, there were other things to be obsessed about. I realized that looks don’t matter, competency does.
Even today, I am obsessed and anxious. If I do not complete an essay every 3-4 days, I start getting anxious. But this is a healthy obsession. It helps me get better in my craft.
My underlying anxiety was cured by a healthy diet and a stress-free lifestyle. We will discuss every step which you can take to get rid of your anxiety.
How to deal with anxiety
Like most of the mental disorders, anxiety, too, is manifested by self and punishes self. In case you are looking for a quick remedy, you can visit a local physician and get on prescribed medications. The only challenge is most of such medicines are highly addictive. They build a dependence, which is hard to shrug off later. Popping pills for the rest of your life doesn’t sound like a good idea.
The only alternate is healthy living. It is imperative to design a daily routine filled with activities that keep your mind stable and anxiety at bay. The below mentioned guidelines, if followed correctly, can transform your anxious being into a sober self.
Make a Routine
Anxiety is fear of the unknown. It only happens when we are unsure of the consequences of any particular action or event. The best way to deal with it is by making your life less impromptu and more structured.
A routine might appear monotonous, but that’s what we need to be in control.
Set a morning routine for yourself.
Wake up and sleep at the same time.
Keep spare time for physical activities.
Allocate time to do the things which you love.
Take small breaks during your day.
Do nothing during those breaks. Breathe and Relax.
Make a to-do list every morning for your professional responsibilities.
Maintain a timesheet.
Similar to other organs in your body, your mind needs nutrition too. A poor diet will result in a starving brain, leading to a troublesome mental space.
I am sure all of us have seen the snickers commercial. Despite being overly melodramatic, it closely resembles the truth. Hunger does make us crazy!
If you are anxious, you shouldn’t stay hungry at all.
Take small meals every two hours.
Do not eat junk, chips, and other processed items.
Eat dairy products and meat.
Reduce your carbs intake.
Do not consume sugar.
Eat a fiber-rich diet.
Never eat after 8 pm.
Always eat within 2 hours of waking up.
Physical activities are not only healthy for your body but also essential for your mental health. If you are eating food, your body needs to burn energy. A workout provides a healthy outlet to get rid of built-up energy.
A lot of you masturbate frequently. It is also a way to get rid of extra energy, though an unhealthy one. People facing sleep issues, often report better quality of sleep after masturbation. The same people experience similar results after 20 minutes of workout.
If you do not get rid of extra energy, it will turn negative, and overthinking will follow. A racing mind is an anxious mind. You won’t like to go to bed after a hard day of work only to realize that you can’t sleep.
Go for a morning walk. Jog.
Visit the gym at least thrice every week.
Run or cycle.
Mindfulness activities are a must for mental health. The one and the only way to make your mind calm is by practicing mindfulness. However, we shy away from practicing mindfulness because it appears tedious initially. The practice is tough in the beginning.
As per ancient Ayurveda, toxic substances can be removed from the body by consuming bitter melon and drumsticks. They both taste horrible.
It is alright if something appears distasteful. We need to focus on the benefits. Despite being tough initially, mindfulness is a miraculous way to transform your mental wellbeing.
A mentee of mine once said he would rather listen to Morrison than meditate. You, too, can listen to pumped-up numbers and avoid meditation but remember you are looking to calm your excited mind, not push your boundaries of excitement. Practicing calmness is the only way to tame your anxious mind.
Take a mindfulness walk in the park.
Meditate for 20 minutes daily.
Download Headspace today to begin guided meditation.
Practice breathing exercises.
Do not Binge Watch
If you strive to get meta, then you shouldn’t consume any sort of entertainment. If you are only looking to manage anxiety, do not consume entertainment for more than 30-45 minutes daily.
Any emotionally charged TV show or movie zaps your senses. The more television you will consume, the higher will be your anxiety levels.
Try this on an off day. Just sit and binge-watch the whole day. Make a note of how you feel afterwards.
The very next day, do not consume any entertainment. Do your work and stick to your routine. Make a note of your mental state.
You will sense a vast difference.
Binge-watching is taking small doses of unwanted anxiety. Why would you do so if you are already anxious?
We watch movies and TV to feel emotions that we do not frequently experience in our daily lives—wonder, excitement, sexual arousal, grief, horror, fear, anxiety, happiness. The more profound is the cocktail of emotions served by a piece of entertainment, the higher will be the engagement.
Well, in your case, you are already experiencing a lot of unwanted emotions. You do not need more doses. Refrain from any sort of entertainment consumption. Just starve yourself. Read books instead. They also entertain without overloading your circuits with an emotional charge.
Stay away from Toxic People
Healthy surroundings help maintain a healthy mind. We often are angry with our parents, siblings, and relatives. We blame them for most of our problems. What we ignore is they only constitute a small percentage.
Yes, there are many people we cannot choose.
It’s hard to choose a desirable boss.
It’s impossible to control parentage.
But almost every other person in our life is selected by us. We should be careful in our selection. We must choose friends who help us move ahead in life.
We are an average of our five friends. If your five friends are drug addicts and nihilists, you cannot expect yourself to be an innovator. You, too, will fall short of your goals if you continue keeping an unhealthy company.
Our surroundings play an essential role in our success. Surround yourself with positive, goal-oriented people. Bid goodbye to toxic people to begin an anxiety-free life blossoming with positivity.
Anxiety laden life is horrible. You will never realize your full potential if you do not break free from the chains of anxiety. You can choose to engage in distractions and temporarily manage your anxiety. Or, you can practice healthy living and conquer anxiety. As always, the choice is yours. Choose wisely!
Hope this helped.
I would request you to share this essay on your social media if you liked it. Obviously, you are free to accept or deny my request.
See you next week with another novel, fresh and exciting topic.
Leave comments and suggestions. I need them to improve.
The pursuit of happiness is a flawed concept. You cannot pursue something which lies within. To be happy, you must be present. Once you start being in NOW, you will enjoy every moment to its full. You will be alive.
Hope you are fantastic.
Today we will discuss about one of the most sought after feelings – happiness!
Before we begin our discussion, let’s understand how great men perceived happiness.
The textbook definition suggests, “Happiness means feeling pleasure or contentment.”
Below are the views of great thinkers on happiness.
“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence” – Aristotle.
“The happiness of those who want to be popular depends on others; the happiness of those who seek pleasure fluctuates with moods outside their control; but the happiness of the wise grows out of their own free acts.” ― Marcus Aurelius
“The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”― Socrates
“We don’t even ask happiness, just a little less pain.”― Charles Bukowski
“It is by being fully involved with every detail of our lives, whether good or bad, that we find happiness, not by trying to look for it directly.” – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
These were the most extraordinary men of their time.
If you observe carefully, you will notice how their views on happiness are in contrast with the popular notions embraced by our modern culture. Great men did not view happiness as a state induced by worldly possessions, achievements, personal success, or a community. Each of them using their signature flair described happiness as a fleeting state that can only be made permanent by living each moment to its full. Whether these moments of our lives are good or bad is irrelevant.
Good or bad has always been a relative expression.
What might be right for you could be awful for me.
For you, drinking a glass of whiskey every night before heading to bed might be a sensible practice.
For me, sleeping with a high head will cause a hangover the next morning, which then will impair my writing skills, leaving me in an undesirable, miserable state for the entire day.
You might toss and turn the entire night in the absence of your soothing alcohol, while I might experience nightmares due to the presence of alcohol in my blood.
What does this indicate?
Is alcohol good or bad?
I wish there was a way to deduce that. But unfortunately, there isn’t one.
People’s outlook towards alcohol depends entirely on their perspective and, to some extent, their past experiences.
Alcohol can be good, good and bad, or just bad. It depends on the person’s point of view.
Similarly, an event that will make you happy can make someone else extremely unhappy.
You will be happy if you get a promotion for which you had worked hard. At the same time, the other contenders will be unhappy because their dream to get closer to the top is shattered.
Similarly, you will be elated when you buy your first car. However, a friend who already possesses multiple vehicles will not experience the same joy from his new acquisition.
When virgins get laid for the first time, they get ecstatic. The novelty of a sexual experience brings extreme joy.
Research studies indicate that proclivity towards sex decreases after repetitive encounters with the same person. Repeated sexual intercourse with the same person will not give you the same high which you experienced on the first day. However, if a new person walks into your life, the cycle renews. Sex with a new partner will again be exhilarating initially. You will trick yourself into believing that it was the best sex of your life, due to the novelty of the experience. You are oblivious to the sexual preferences of the new partner. This element of surprise will make you feel each sensation to its extreme, heightening your pleasure senses.
You will be more attentive in the moment. You will be present.
The same applies to every external source.
There are two states of being happy.
One in which you are happy from within. This state will not demand an external stimulation. Yogis, expert meditators, philosophers, and creators are always in this blissful state.
For ordinary folks, happiness will depend on their interaction with the outer world and how their brains perceive an event.
Whenever you visit a new place or try a new cuisine, the result is mostly positive. You feel happy. However, after repeated experiences of the same nature, the event loses its charm and stops making you happy.
So far, we have deduced that happiness is relative. It mostly depends on our outlook.
As simple as this might sound, novelty-induced happiness will transform our lives into an endless pursuit for fulfillment. We will continually chase new experiences to uplift ourselves from the state of misery. Yet, suffering will continue to pile up. Even if we spend decades practicing hedonism, we will eventually run out of new things to do or objects to buy.
There has to be a way to find happiness in our day to day lives without going to extreme extents, only a few can.
“The soul is healed by being with children.”― Fyodor Dostoevsky
I am positive that you must have interacted with newborns and little kids who cannot speak and are not fully aware of their surroundings. Even if you haven’t, you must have at least seen cute baby videos on the FB timeline of your friends or while fanatically scrolling Instagram.
A newborn baby has few basic needs. It needs a mother’s milk. It needs to be kept clean, and it needs things to play with.
Why are babies so happy?
The only time babies are unhappy is when they experience any sort of physical discomfort or if an idiot like me purposefully annoys them.
Undoubtedly, they are tiny bundles of joy!
Whether they crawl on the floor, eat dirt in the park, watch an animated comedy, play with a pet, or a toy, they are elated.
Why are these fuckers so happy?
Once again, the explanation lies in their outlook towards objects and events.
Due to a lack of experience, every event is unique to newborns. That’s why any playful act make babies elated.
If a baby sees a furry animal for the first time, they will get extremely curious. They will try to interact with the animal. If the animal behaves in a domesticated manner, the baby will enjoy the animal’s company. After a few weeks or months, the baby will slowly lose its interest and then graduate to barbie dolls, motorbikes, or a fire truck.
No one is more hedonist than a newborn.
They continuously find ways to interact with objects around them. And this process is not a result-oriented or an outcome-based activity. The child doesn’t even know what he/she is seeking. By merely being present in the moment, a baby experiences a sense of fulfillment and happiness.
However, with growing age, the child is corrupted by an unwise society and loses his/her ability to be mindful of the present. Like all of us subpar humans, a child too forgets how to stay happy and begins an endless cycle of suffering and misery with few occasional bursts of joy.
Today’s discussion is about true happiness which is not dependent on any event or object.
As we will proceed, you will realize how, by being present even in a dull moment, we can experience joy. This temporary state of happiness can then be extended to our entire day. Once we master this act, even if we are trapped in a concentration camp or a torcher cell, we will be in bliss.
The Burning Monk
One of the most remarkable sights of human bravery is the event known as the burning monk.
Thích Quảng Đức, a Vietnamese Mahayana Buddhist monk, burned himself to death at a busy Saigon road intersection on 11 June 1963. Quảng Đức was protesting the persecution of Buddhists by the South Vietnamese government.
There are various incidents documenting self-immolation attempts throughout history. Lighting yourself on fire to register your protest is a powerful act that never goes unnoticed. However, Quảng Đức’s sacrifice is remembered till date due to the extraordinary nature of the event. While on fire, he neither moved nor twitched a single muscle of his body. He was calm, and composed as his physical body burnt itself to the ground.
Photographs of his self-immolation were circulated widely around the world and brought attention to the policies of the Diệm government. John F. Kennedy said about a photo of Quảng Đức on fire, “No news picture in history has generated so much emotion around the world as that one.” Malcolm Browne won a Pulitzer Prize for his photograph of the monk’s death.
David Halberstam wrote:
“I was to see that sight again, but once was enough. Flames were coming from a human being; his body was slowly withering and shriveling up, his head blackening and charring. In the air was the smell of burning human flesh; human beings burn surprisingly quickly. Behind me I could hear the sobbing of the Vietnamese who were now gathering. I was too shocked to cry, too confused to take notes or ask questions, too bewildered to even think … As he burned he never moved a muscle, never uttered a sound, his outward composure in sharp contrast to the wailing people around him.”
Here we witness a man who set himself on fire in the act of protest against the ruling autocratic regime. What makes the incident memorable is that he did not even twitch a single muscle while burning to death. Such a level of personal mastery of bodily sensations is unparalleled.
What do you think?
What was the burning monk experiencing?
Was he happy while burning to death, or was he miserable?
We will explore the answer to this question in the later sections.
I will also like to bring your attention to the fact that this is not a stand-alone incident. Thousands of revolutionaries imprisoned throughout the world, including the unfortunate victims of the holocaust, have displayed similar personal mastery over their emotions while bearing extreme levels of pain and suffering.
I know, a lot of you are wondering, how is this relevant to our discussion on happiness. Please don’t get perplexed; an appropriate explanation will be provided to you.
From a child-like state, we graduate to being kids and then adults. As we progress, our understanding of happiness changes. A child who used to get elated by the sight of a beetle stops getting any pleasure from weekly visits to the zoo. What went wrong?
We all are a victim of our surroundings. Until and unless we learn the right way to interact with our surroundings positively, we will continue being so. As the child grows, it sees the world, not through his own eyes but through society’s pair of glasses.
If parents continuously compare their wealth or the child’s worth with others, that’s what the child will learn. Whenever he/she sees a rich person, he/she will assume that they are happy because of their abundant wealth.
When he/she sees a confident or attractive person, he/she will assume that successful people are more confident or beautiful people are more successful, depending upon the experiences and the shared values of the immediate society around him/her.
We are not discussing the case of one odd kid. All of us go through the same. Even kids of yogis experience the same emotions which we do.
In a natural progression, these kids grow into adults. Once the forced period of initial learning is over, then the adult is left to make a mark on the world. They pursue happiness as per their flawed understanding.
A female might pursue a well-settled husband.
Another might pursue a good-looking man.
Someone else might wish to have a career in modeling or corporations.
A man will run after possessions.
Another man will chase skills.
Someone else will be obsessed with the number of matches on Tinder.
As per our previous interactions with our surroundings, we will attempt a basic goal setting and pursue a path hoping for some reward at the end of all the fiasco.
The hunt is on.
The hunt gets over.
Unfortunately for the majority, the reward never arrives. For those it does, realize that it only provides momentary happiness.
This stage of life is extremely vulnerable. All of our beliefs, while growing up, indicated that if we pursue something passionately, in the end, we will be happy, which we aren’t ever. At least not for an extended period.
The Mid-Life Crisis
Imagine you wish to get married to a desirable and wealthy partner. You spend your lifetime grooming yourself, learning mannerisms, and adding value to yourself. All of these said activities are done, keeping in mind the final goal.
Now suppose you get married. What’s next?
Will you be in a perpetual state of bliss for the rest of your life?
Absolutely not. The very next morning, you will lie in your wedding bed, pondering what’s next.
You got what you wanted, yet you will not be able to stay happy for long.
What will you do next?
Maybe you will bring a kid in the world.
Then maybe you will destroy the kid or shower it with affection, in an attempt to feel good. The kid will grow up soon enough.
What when your kid moves out?
You have already lost more than half of your life searching for happiness following the formula laid down by your ancestors. Yet, you remain unhappy.
In a rare case (which never happens), assume your partner turns out to be world-class. Your kids turn out to be the best in the entire milky way galaxy, then also daily worries will continue to plague you.
Some days, you might think your partner is having an affair.
Another day, you will come to know your kid smokes.
All of these events will continue to torment you. You will not be happy for prolonged periods.
If your goal is professional success and you sacrifice everything for that goal, what would happen when you reach the age of 50 only to realize, even though you have all you ever wanted, emptiness plagues you frequently.
How would you feel then?
Happiness on Billboards.
“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. You buy furniture. You tell yourself, this is the last sofa I will ever need in my life. Buy the sofa, then for a couple years you’re satisfied that no matter what goes wrong, at least you’ve got your sofa issue handled. Then the right set of dishes. Then the perfect bed. The drapes. The rug. Then you’re trapped in your lovely nest, and the things you used to own, now they own you.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
In a one of a kind phenomenon, happiness is now sold on billboards.
Buy a new I-phone. Happiness guaranteed.
A new pair of Levis jean is a sure shot mantra to delight.
A brand new push up bra will undoubtedly make you joyous.
Buy a new Audi.
Get a new laptop.
Get those clothes at a discount.
Today the gods are offering a limited period discount.
Offer valid till stocks last.
Hurry, get your pill of happiness.
Happiness, happiness is here. Buy stuff.
Hey, why ain’t you buying?
No money, don’t worry.
Get it on credit.
Here’s a brand new shiny plastic for you.
Now you must buy.
Buy this and that and then buy some more.
Buy and be happy!
There is nothing wrong with this approach.
I am not asking you to be a minimalist.
1 black tee, 1 black shirt, 2 black trousers, black shoes, black socks, a white towel, is all you need. Though that is true, I am not asking you to do so.
You should definitely indulge in need-based shopping.
Imagine you go for a run every day. To make the most use of your time, you can buy a pair of Bluetooth headphones. Then you can get yourself an audible subscription. Buy audiobooks and listen to them while running. That’s a good purchase.
Buy expensive raw food. You should spend as much as you can afford on your diet. Buy dry fruits. Buy meat. Buy Tofu. Buy vegetables.
If you want to practice mindfulness, buy a headspace subscription.
Buy a bicycle so that you can cycle your way through misery.
If you are a painter, purchase expensive canvases.
If you are a writer, buy a typewriter. Buy a MacBook. Buy a supercomputer. Whatever makes you love the process!
These are need-based shopping. It is a requirement.
But buying an expensive watch, jewelry, cars, mansions, if not required, won’t make you happy.
If you are not living inside a cramped dump bin, you don’t really need a huge mansion.
If you have a working car, you don’t need a new one.
Jewelry is a sheer waste of money. It is not even a wise investment.
But then if you have tons of money, what else would you do?
This might break your heart, but the answer is – charity.
Yes, social work, charity, philanthropy will make you happy.
A new mail bride, a blow-up doll, expensive alcohol, 1/2 a kg of coke, for that matter even if you buy Greenland, you won’t be happy.
You will feel good for a week or so, and the emptiness will return.
Research studies indicate that whenever people think about helping someone in need, their portions of the brain, which associates with happiness, gets triggered. If the thought of being helpful to someone can delight you, imagine how the action will make you feel.
Now, I am not convincing you to donate all your money to causes you believe in. You can smartly put your money to good use and experience satisfaction.
You can open a study center for impoverished kids. You can charge 50% less than other study centers. You might not make tons of money, but at least you will be touching lives.
You can finance a food-truck which will feed the homeless and the poor at throwaway prices. Once again, maybe a little less profit but happiness guaranteed.
Similarly, there are a thousand other ways to put your money to good use, wherein it will empower society and bring a change.
The result will be your personal delight. That’s a priceless commodity!
The Marshmellow Test
The Stanford marshmallow experiment was a study on delayed gratification in 1972 led by psychologist Walter Mischel, a professor at Stanford University. In this study, a child was offered a choice between one small but immediate reward, or two small rewards if they waited for some time.
A kid was locked in a room with an oreo. He was left with two choices. Either he could eat the oreo and go, or he could choose not to eat one oreo but wait for 15 minutes and get two cookies. Scientists continued to observe the kids who participated in the study throughout their high school and graduate studies.
The study indicated that individuals who delayed gratification were more happy and prosperous in their lives as they grew old. While those who ate the marshmallow, mostly had a difficult life as adults.
You might wonder, where did this come from?
How is the experiment related to happiness?
All of your non-essential shopping is an attempt to seek immediate gratification. You are not thinking straight. You are under the assumption that the act of buying will make you feel better. Though retail therapy works, it is not a permanent fix. The same concept of a novelty applies here as well.
You will enjoy your new car for a few weeks and then return to your old miserable self.
Fuelled by emptiness, you will then start chasing some other piece of silver.
This is a never-ending pursuit. The worst part is, you gain nothing out of it.
Bottom line, if you are unhappy, goods will not make you happy.
If you have been told in the past that once you own a bigger house, a bigger car and a huge bank account, all of your worries will fade away, well, you have been lied to. But have some respite in knowing that you are not the only one. We all have been sold a false dream.
The True Definition of Happiness
If what we have discussed so far makes sense, then at this moment, you must be utterly confused.
If wealth, success, possessions, and social status doesn’t bring happiness, then what does?
If we are not supposed to chase novelty, then what’s the right answer?
Well, the right answer, my friend, is excellence!
The only quality worth chasing is excellence. The pursuit of excellence will make you happy.
At the same time, remember that you can never achieve excellence.
I know exactly how this sounds.
This sounds like another loop.
You were chasing novelty, hoping to be happy someday. Now you agree it isn’t a working model.
So, the alternative is to chase excellence, yet you will never achieve excellence. How will then pursuing excellence make you happy?
Every learned person has once in their lifetime expressed that life is endless suffering. There isn’t happiness anywhere to be found. We, humans, are doomed to be unhappy.
Before being sent on this planet, our consciousness was questioned by our makers.
They asked us, “What do you choose – Happiness or Life?”
I am sure you can figure out your answer.
We all chose the feeling of being alive over feeling happy.
What does this indicate?
It means we do not need to worry about happiness in this lifetime because we are never going to be happy. We traded feeling alive for feeling happy.
So, the question is – do you feel alive?
This is where all of us go wrong. We have no idea what being alive means. Being alive doesn’t mean waking, shitting, fucking, sleeping, and whatever else happens in between.
Being alive means being present.
Being alive means to feel.
Being alive means to be in NOW!
Our consciousness is not confined within the boundaries of our body and mind. We are all one.
To whom we refer as god is the ultimate feeling of oneness of all things that live and breathe.
We have been blessed with this physical body to experience matter. Yet, we never do so.
The only way to be truly happy is by experiencing every moment of your life to its full.
If it’s painful, it is what you are supposed to experience in the NOW.
If it’s a trance-like working state, you are experiencing flow.
When you are with a toddler, you are experiencing an undiluted life force.
The burning monk experienced death by fire. He didn’t twitch any muscle because he was in the moment. He was fully present.
There is a wide misconception among people about what yogis feel. A lot many folks think yogis are numb. They never feel happiness, nor do they feel sadness. That is incorrect.
Research studies indicate that expert meditators feel pain or joy more than ordinary folks. What makes them unique is their continuous practice, which blesses them a higher tolerance level.
If you try to burn an ordinary person, they will start experiencing pain even before the touch of a burning iron rod. They feel pain in anticipation of pain. Then they feel pain. And then they feel more pain as an after effect.
Holy fucking shit! That’s too much of pain.
If you bring a hot iron rod to the palms of a yogi, he will feel no pain before the contact of the burning iron on the surface of his palms. Upon contact with the burning surface, he will experience 1.5 times pain than an ordinary person. But he won’t react abruptly. He won’t shout. He won’t yell. He would just feel. He has mastered the art of feeling whatever life brings in the moment of now. Once the iron rod is taken off from his palms, he will not feel any after-effects.
Those with heightened awareness are always in the moment, irrespective of whether it is a pleasant or unpleasant moment.
Buddha said, one must be aware at all times, even while shitting, pissing and eating.
At this moment, we must also understand that happiness depends on our outlook.
Outlook Towards Events
Three years ago, my friend and I used to go for a walk in a community park. He used to stroll leisurely, looking at plants, trees, bugs, kids playing, and all this while he used to smile. He was happy being in the park.
I, on the other hand, despised this activity. The park was always crowded, I hated that. It was summertime, so the air was hot, and I felt sweaty. I saw mosquitos swarming over my head. It wasn’t an experience I enjoyed.
He felt happy in the park.
I felt unhappy in the park.
This example reveals a lot about all of us.
An external factor cannot make you happy. Happiness lies within. By being in the present, a simple act of walking in the park becomes enjoyable. You are engrossed in the ecosystem. You feel your breath. You feel the mild breeze. You see how plants, trees, and the soil are communicating with each other. You can join that conversation and immerse yourself in nature.
Yes, there’s noise outside. There will always be noise outside. Silence, peace, tranquility, happiness lies within our self.
Nowadays, when I practice Tai-chi in the park, after my session, I notice how flies swarm my face. Yet, during that trance, I don’t feel it. That’s the beauty of being in the moment.
Happiness is being in a constant state of bliss, irrespective of what is going around you.
There is a lot of noise going on in India around a “NEW INDIA“, “Hindu Rashtra” and crap like such.
What breaks my heart is the religion which these ignorants are fighting for, they do not even practice it. They disrespect our ancient culture.
Ancient Indian yogis inspired both Asia and the West with groundbreaking meditative practices. The so-called Hindu holy books are filled with references of sages who meditated for decades to achieve self-mastery. A state of Nirvana!
Countless tales narrate how ants and termites made their homes in the bodies of yogis. Yet they never woke up out of discomfort from their meditative trance-like state.
Now, youngsters who want immediate gratification, indulge in drugs to achieve a temporary state of Nirvana.
No one is willing to spend a few years practicing the art of Nirvana.
We want Nirvana, and we want it now. Well, Cobain died in misery. You can still save yourself.
The Power of Now
Now comes the last part of our discussion. Let’s do a quick recap.
Life is endless suffering.
Wealth and possessions cannot make us happy.
Chasing novelty will lead us in circles. We will be back where we started.
True happiness lies in the moment.
We can be in a perpetual state of bliss all the time by mastering self-discipline.
Now, comes the question, how to achieve and sustain a blissful state.
How to be happy in day to day life
A piece of standard advice which fake self-help gurus offer is doing what you love. This is then translated into quitting your job and starting fresh in a field of your liking. Undoubtedly this is a promising option. I tried it in the past.
I worked in corporations such as Barclays, Dell, American Express, to name a few at mid-level and senior-level executive positions. But I was unhappy. I quit my job to pursue a career as a writer in 2017.
I was moved by the atrocities exerted on Kashmiri natives. I spent around a year traveling in Kashmir and Ladakh, studying ground reality. I felt happy temporarily only to realize that I was again chasing novelty.
There are also practical elements, one needs to worry about.
I was shit-broke and lived a poor quality of life. Even if I wanted to help someone, I did not possess the resources to do so. This inadequacy heightened my unhappiness.
Finally, I learned how to stay in the present and be blissful.
You do not need to do what you love to stay happy. You need to love whatever you do. That is what makes us happy. Being in the present.
If we are not fully immersed in every moment of our lives, we will be plagued by anxiety and stress. Our physic energies will not get a constructive outlet, leaving us with a negative set of emotions. Even pleasant moments will appear dull and mundane.
Once we begin living in the moment, we are always immersed in reality. We are not dwindling between past experience and a future dream. We are enjoying every moment by being alive.
Don’t forget we traded eternal happiness to experience this feeling of being alive.
Techniques to be Happy
If you look at a beehive, an ant colony, swarms of birds or a school of fish, all of these creatures are in the moment. Doing their tasks diligently.
Ants mostly live for weeks or months. An ant colony lasts for years, growing strong with each passing day.
Each bird flies immersively using their own wings, and a unique flight pattern occurs. The same is the case with fish.
Every honey bee is doing the assigned task and in return, the hive thrives.
We need to do the same. We need to immerse ourselves in every moment we experience. Once you begin practicing being in the present, you will experience a better mood or the so-called elusive state of HAPPINESS.
It is not going to be an easy task. But with regular practice, you can achieve a better state in less than 18 months.
Below are five ways that you can use to raise your state of awareness. I have researched, spoken to zen masters, and ordinary meditators, and everyone agrees that these options are comfortable and practical.
As kids, learning is forced on us. As adults, we learn to get better prospects and high paying jobs. A very few among us enjoy the process of learning.
Learning requires attention and concentration. If you have stopped learning, you need to begin.
Victims seek entertainment. The wise seek education.
Anything which excites you, you can learn about it.
If history bewilders you, read about ancient civilizations, world wars, territorial disputes, lives of great emperors. There are tons of resources that you can utilize to improve your knowledge.
If bikes fascinate you, make sure you know about every sort of engine ever created.
If cutting grass fascinates you, learn about grass. You will be surprised to know that there are over a thousand books written about the grass in your lawn.
No piece of knowledge is a waste of your time.
The more you will learn, the better will be your concentration, focus, and attention. Once you are more attentive, you will notice tiny moments of happiness in your day to day lives. A simple thank you said by your colleague will give you a surge of dopamine. Even during bad days, you won’t feel any discomfort as you will be immersed in your task at hand, whether it is driving, working, eating, sex, or any other activity.
Each morning or evening, go for a walk in a park. Walk extremely slowly. Observe your surroundings carefully. If an unwanted thought comes in your mind, put it off by focusing on the ants, squirrels, birds, or dried leaves. The idea is to be present in the park. Immerse yourself fully. Practice this for 10-15 minutes daily.
Initially, you won’t be awestruck, but a few months later, you will realize how blissful this experience is.
As your awareness will rise in the park, your awareness outside will also grow. You will be more present in your day to day activities. You will enjoy simple tasks such as taking a shower, eating food, watching a cat cross the road. You will be fascinated to see toddlers interact with their surroundings. Every moment will appear breathtaking.
With a heightened sense of awareness, mundane activities will appear novel. You will no longer need to chase novelty to be happy. Awareness will make each experience novel, in turn, making you happy.
Alternatively, you can watch sunrise or sunset.
You can dance.
You can ride a bicycle in the woods.
Do whatever pleases you, but do it slowly, observing your surroundings. Get immersed in the moment.
There are countless forms of meditation that you can practice. For a beginner, the easiest will be observing your breath at all times.
Our breath controls our bodies. Try not to breathe for a minute, and every organ of your physical being will start to deteriorate. Breath is life. Be mindful of your breathing.
Whenever you are stressed, tense, angry, or hurt, your breathing either rises or becomes shallow. By being mindful of your breath, you can put a stop to anxious and worrisome thoughts. When you focus on the breath, you will be in the present moment. Being in the present is the key.
Initially, it will be tough. Your monkey brain will always irk you, swarm you with unwanted thoughts. As Zen masters say, if the monkey brain takes you away a million times, bring your attention back to the breath a million times. After the millionth time, the monkey brain will surrender. The goal is to keep practicing until you tame your monkey mind.
Not all of us can learn meditation from a zen master, so it is better to embrace technology. Headspace and Calm are two great apps using which you can begin your journey. These guided meditation apps will give you the same experience as learning from a master.
Tai-chi is a form of Chinese meditative trance. In tai-chi, you move your body swiftly using well-orchestrated steps that help you channel your energies and attain a peaceful mental space.
Tai-chi might appear a little tough initially as you need to be mindful of your breathing and body movements at the same time. Multitasking mostly puts us off. But once you are over with the initial phase, you will see faster results in comparison to regular meditation.
You won’t find a good tai-chi master easily, so it is better to resort to technology. Various masters offer You-Tube modules free of cost. You can use them for initial learning and then graduate slowly. There are also online courses that will benefit you.
Whenever we practice any activity for long, it becomes a habit. Habits do not require cognitive bandwidth. That is the reason you can think and brush your teeth without hurting yourself. Your brain knows all the steps of brushing and completes the activity in an auto-pilot mode without needing any assistance from you.
As much as this is effective from a mental point of view, it leaves room for your mind to wander.
We do the same with all of our daily activities. Once we are habituated to a job, a task, or an activity, we stop paying attention and let our minds take us on a ride.
The human mind has a negative bias to protect us from danger. If your mind is not focused on the task at hand, it will wander exploring false narratives, which will make you anxious and worrisome. Your state of happiness will be compromised. The only remedy is to be present.
Work trance is a state wherein everything ceases to exist.
During work trance, writers complete books and painters paint masterpieces.
I write such essays in two hours because I am in a state of work trance. Even if the roof falls over my head, I won’t realize it, I am so engrossed in this intimate dialogue.
Work trance is not limited to creative activity. And for that matter, every action is some form of creation.
If you are a call center executive, get in a work trance. Talk to as many customers as possible. Know them, speak to them, connect and bond with them You will be charismatic, confident, expressive and will strike a chord with your customers because you will be present in the moment. You will not be thinking about paying bills or a toxic colleague. The moment in the present is about you having a conversation with your customer.
Similarly, if you are a sportsperson, your focus should be on the game. Nothing else matters. That is how David Goggins ran a 100-mile marathon on broken legs.
Work trance is tough to induce, as it requires you to be completely honest with yourself. You need to be mindful of your internal dialogue. You should be aware of your motivation.
You are in the moment doing the task at hand because this is what the present moment demands. Nothing else matters. Everything will wait until your break.
Work trance will improve your productivity, efficiency, and overall happiness index because you are not paying attention to mindless chatter.
The pursuit of happiness is a flawed concept. You cannot pursue something which lies within. To be happy, you must be present. Once you start being in NOW, you will enjoy every moment to its full. You will be alive.
Remember, we all traded an eternal blissful life for this feeling of being alive. If you are not in the present, you have already died. Dead men can only feel pain, not joy.
Hope this helped.
I would request you to share this essay on your social media if you liked it. Obviously, you are free to accept or deny my request.
See you next week with another novel, fresh and exciting topic.
Leave comments and suggestions. I need them to improve.
If you believe that your kind and loving attitude will help you qualify for the big boys club, you are profoundly mistaken. Nice, kind, loving, caring, empathetic, sensitive – all of these are default settings. Being nice doesn’t make you unique.
Good morning planet,
How are we this lovely morning?
I am fantastic!
What delights me the most is our intimate conversations about human excellence.
We have covered a lot so far in the previous essays.
Taking things forward today, we will discuss an essential human trait – kindness.
A lot of us, when face to face with a calamity, ask either ourselves or a supreme being – Why me?
Why am I going through so much of trouble in my life?
I am a good person.
I have always been kind to others.
Why did my girlfriend leave me for a jerk?
Why doesn’t my wife respect me?
Why was I not awarded a promotion?
Why is the world so insensitive to me?
Why don’t people take me seriously?
Why don’t my kids listen to me?
Why am I bullied?
Why the fuck me?
I am so nice, always!
Trigger Warning: The content ahead is too honest. Please proceed if you can handle the truth. You have been warned!
As much as I want to sugar coat things for you, this is something that cannot be expressed with mitigated speech. I need to be blunt. If that hurts your feelings, be it.
The first step in creating a better life is self-realization.
You need to realize that you must make changes in your personality. With your current outlook towards the world, you are not best suited with the optimal qualities which can improve your life.
This self-realization needs to stem from within, without any influence from an outer body.
If I tell you today, that you suck, that won’t make much of a difference. You need to realize that you suck.
Hopefully, by the end of today’s essay, you will realize what you lack and begin your journey on the path of self-improvement.
First of all, if you consider yourself nice, it means you are agreeable. You haven’t yet formed your own opinions. You are just a yes man!
A yes man is a weak man.
If you believe that your kind and loving attitude will help you qualify for the big boys club, you are profoundly mistaken.
Nice, kind, loving, caring, empathetic, sensitive – all of these are default settings.
Being nice doesn’t make you unique.
It doesn’t make your more qualified.
It doesn’t make you more appealing.
Kindness has nothing to do with attractiveness.
Niceness is not the measure of your abilities.
If you see a dog and pet him, that doesn’t translate into success.
If you buy your girlfriend expensive stuff, that isn’t an indication of your love or respect. Maybe you are trying to buy her love. Perhaps you are so insecure that you think presents are the only way to secure her love. You are so high in self-loathing that you know someday she would leave you. You are trying your best to delay that inevitable outcome.
You must have heard about Pablo Escobar. He was one of the first drug entrepreneurs. He terrorized the DEA for more than ten years. He was responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent people. In this context, responsible means, the kill order came directly from him.
Not from his organization.
Not from his associates.
But from him!
Once upon a time, Escobar, while escaping authorities, found himself trapped in the cold with his sick daughter. He had no means to keep his daughter warm. All he had was millions of dollar bills. He started burning those. He flashed dollar bills worth millions in a single night to keep his daughter warm.
Now that’s kindness. Will you not agree?
You might claim that he was one of the wealthiest people on the planet; money didn’t mean shit for him. Yet, see this from a father’s perspective. He did all he could to keep his daughter warm when she needed it.
If that’s not kindness, then I don’t know what is!
This is a man being nice to his children.
You can’t get any sweeter than that.
If a barbaric, homicidal maniac like Escobar can be gentle when needed, what makes you so special. You are just an ordinary fellow who has no capacity for violence. Being nice is your default setting. Why do you expect to be treated differently if you do not have anything out of the ordinary to offer?
There’s an old poetry by a renowned Hindi poet Ramdhari Singh Dinkar which I studied during my formative years. These lines got imprinted in my mind.
क्षमा शोभती उस भुजंग को जिसके पास गरल है
उसका क्या जो दंतहीन विषरहित विनीत सरल है
Translation: Forgiveness suits a venomous snake, not a toothless, spineless, simple-minded fucker!
Jordan Peterson says the same in different words.
“A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control.”
You do not assign the security of your home to rabbits. You entrust it to dogs, ferocious dogs who will rip the intruder’s throat. You trust them because these are not mad dogs. These are loyal dogs.
A weak person is not a loyal person by choice. He’s loyal because he has no other option. He must be loyal or face dire consequences. He is acting faithful, driven by fear.
A strong person makes a choice. He is not scared shitless. He has the capacity for violence. He has the capacity for evil. If he chooses to follow someone, he does it out of his own will, either because he’s inspired by the leader or out of internal motivations. But he isn’t doing it out of fear. He is making a choice.
If you consider yourself nice and yet you fail a lot, it is a possibility that you are stuck in the victim mindset. Before we move forward, you must write this down on a piece of paper and stick it in front of your study table.
The world owes me nothing.
No one owes me anything.
I don’t deserve shit.
I need to earn my place.
I am no longer in the past.
I need to create my victories.
No one is going to handover success.
I am not what happened to me.
I am what I choose to become.
I will become the best version of myself.
This ‘why me’ mentality is toxic. It is a cognitive bias. You have a presupposition that awful things shouldn’t happen to you. Just because you have a default setting of being nice and kind, no harm should come your way.
I hope you are aware that Jesus was the son of god.
I am positive you know what happened to him.
Jesus was a miracle worker literally. He created miracles. He was the human embodiment of kindness. Ideally, by the culturally acceptable definition of nice men, he was the nicest of em all!
They nailed him to a cross and executed him.
He was the son of the god, for fuck’s sake.
He had the right to say – why me father!
But he chooses not to.
Instead, he pleaded forgiveness for his captors from god.
Jesus, being the son of the god, was tortured to death. Yet, he held no ill-will.
Ever wondered why?
Well, he wasn’t only nice. He was also a strong person. He knew the world is filled with apple orchards and snake pits. Our actions lead us to one or the other. He was a strong person. Countless weak, flawed, spineless maggots feared his glory. Crucification, murder, rape, riots are what so-called nice (weaklings) individuals do when they feel threatened. They breed resentment and hatred. They will go to any extent to hurt whom they dislike.
This fact of life is what you are oblivious of if you consider yourself nice. You are as non-deserving as the person next to you. Your competency will make you efficient and worthy, not your compassion.
A famous ancient text in India reflects upon few strategies to get your way with people, institutions, hierarchies, and complex social structures.
It talks about – Saam Daam Dand Bhed (साम, दाम, दंड, भेद), which translates to –
Saam: This translates to flattering or appeasement. When things do not go our way, we can always try to smooth talk to obtain desired results.
Daam: This indicates monetary benefits. If mere words are not fulfilling your goals, you can always buy the other person.
Dand: This contemplates punishment. You can threaten the other person to subside your way.
Bhed: This is threatening. If nothing works, you will politely make the other person understand that this might be the last day for their loved ones.
You get the gist.
These methods were taught by ancient sages to rulers and emperors so that they can manage procedural complexity attached to running a realm efficiently.
None of them suggests you be nice and rollover.
If you are extra nice to people, you might want to reflect inside and identify which nasty part of yourself are you trying to hide with this bullshit. Furthermore, you should speak to that shadow of yours. Understand his motivations and drive. Tame him.
You can’t ignore your insufficiencies with the excuse that the world is an ugly place, and you, only you, are nice. Everyone else is an asshole.
You must have heard about the book of knowledge – Gita.
Gita is a spiritual text. It, in its entirety, talks about consciousness, soul, the human spirit, and how to discover a higher purpose. Surprisingly this profound non-violent text was narrated by a king named Krishna to a warrior named Arjun during a devastating battle.
Arjun’s family considered themselves true heirs to the throne, which was in the control of their cousins. In order to win back the disputed kingdom, Arjun must slaughter his brothers. A critical situation like this can make any sane person a little reluctant. Arjun was battling his mind about the consequences in the middle of a war zone. That’s when Krishna intervened and poured an endless stream of wisdom in which Arjun basked to glory.
Even a profound text like Gita, which preaches peace and tranquility, advises means to achieve nirvana, was brought to light during a violent conflict.
Aggression, violence, and kindness need to go hand in hand.
You must be aggressive in the pursuit of your goals.
Being docile will not lead you to greatness.
A cow can’t hunt.
A cow is sent to a slaughterhouse where she doesn’t even put up a fight.
A cow is nice.
A lion, on the other hand, is the king of the jungle.
Even a captured lion is regarded as a treasure.
It takes balls to tame a lion.
That’s why it is respected and feared even inside a cage.
A cow is never feared.
I am not asking you to intimidate weak people.
I am requesting you to be competent.
You must possess the ability to stand in front of a bully.
You must have the physical strength to put up a fight if life throws one at you.
You must have the mental strength to navigate stressful times.
Only being nice will not lead you to glory.
Mahatma Gandhi was nice.
He was also a warrior.
Everytime oppressors beat him down, he came back again.
He broke the spirit of his oppressors without even raising a finger.
That’s a unique form of bravery.
That isn’t plain niceness.
When Britishers subjugated him and India, he didn’t complain to other countries. He took a firm stand. Believed in himself. United people and inspired the masses to rise.
Every achiever is a dangerous person. They battle their demons and adverse circumstances daily. They are not some whiny bitch who blame their failures on circumstances. They rise above the bullshit, learn from their failures to destroy every obstacle between them and their goals.
Before we talk about achievers, it is crucial to understand how this victim mindset stems.
A tit-sucker or a newborn baby, as the decent folks might say, sees the mother as an object. He assumes that he is training his mother to provide him gratification. Whenever a tit-sucker is hungry, he yells and cries, throws mood swings. The mother then comes running, offering him a pair of boobs. The tit-sucker comprehends this phenomenon as a ground of possession. He thinks that the whole purpose of the mother is to provide him with what he wants.
The mother becomes an object of pleasure.
Now, if on a given day, the mother is not available or delays the gratifying response anticipated by the tit-sucker, he gets mad. The tit-sucker throws a fit of anger. Even when he is starving, the tit-sucker tries to enact revenge. When the mother offers her boobs, the baby bites her. The tit-sucker is more concerned about the power dynamic than hunger pangs.
Now, I am still studying how the female brain functions, so I don’t have examples for the ladies. But, this same behavior is translated by men in the later ages.
We all are aware that after break-ups, a majority of men leak private pictures and videos of their girlfriends. A lot many distribute the phone numbers of their girlfriends on social media so that trolls could harass her.
Men go to terrible extents when they feel rejected.
Weak men assume that women are their property. Unlike abusive men, they do not exploit the women during relationship. However, once the female tries to break free, all hell breaks loose. Weak men act like an agitated tit-sucker, meticulously planning ways to hurt their ex.
And these are mostly nice men. They can’t handle rejection.
These are men who love their women more than others could. At least that’s what they think in their head. They consider themselves loving, caring, and supportive. However, that’s not the case.
Feeble men and women never deal with their emotions. They escape confronting conversations that are essential in a healthy relationship. Now and then, couples fight to resolve their issues. This is not a flawed approach but rather an effective strategy. Disputes are essential and unavoidable. If two people are together, they will have conflicts. There is no workaround.
Feeble men and women act nicely even during conflicts, feeding themselves a faulty narrative that they are acting nice out of love. That is never the case. They avoid conflicts because they are not apt to pursue honest conversations. They have sugarcoated things their entire life. The very idea of conflict makes them shiver. Their brain goes into a panic mode. Instead of resolving issues, they only focus on diffusing it temporarily in an attempt to avoid a loud conversation.
All this while they are under the impression that they are nice, that’s why they avoid conflicts.
However, in reality, they are weak; that’s why they avoid disputes.
You will mostly see weak individuals throw emotional tantrums because they have nothing concrete or factual to add to a dispute.
Weak men and women will argue with leads such as:
I have been so helpful to you. Why are you mean to me?
Do you not love me anymore?
I have done so much for you, why are you behaving this way.
Please don’t fight with me. I can’t take this anymore.
I am sorry, please forgive me.
Please, pay attention to the phrases mentioned above.
None of them offer any sort of solution. Each of them is only meant to appeal to the emotional side of the other person. The bottom line of such sentences is the belief of the weak person that they do not deserve a stern treatment because they are nice.
Please understand that I am not asking you not to be kind. I am asking you to balance your niceness with toughness. That’s the recipe for being successful in life, relationships and all you do.
Consider your life a game.
If you are nice, you are a beginner stuck in Stage 1. You will need to be tough to beat the boss and get to Stage 2. Every stage is more complicated than the last one.
Nice people stay in the first stage for the entirety of their lives.
You need balls to fight your fears and move to the next level.
Do you think you and Elon Musk are playing the same game?
Do you think Robin Sharma is in level 1?
Do you think Jeff Bezos is even playing?
These masters have unlocked bonus stages for themselves.
They are highly competitive, goal-oriented individuals shaping the world for a better tomorrow.
Robin Sharma is a very kind person.
So are Elon and Jeff.
But they have the capacity of evil inside them, which they have conquered. These are not angry warriors running around creating havoc, high on testosterone. These are methodical, meticulous geniuses. They are nice when it is needed. They are also highly combative when it is need of the hour.
Being nice will not make you successful.
Niceness doesn’t pay bills.
A rapist will not leave your sister because you are nice.
A scoundrel will not return your money out of pity for you.
Your partner will not stay with you forever because of your kind attitude.
Kindness is a must. But it alone cannot help you much.
I am in charge of 12 people. If they make errors, I give them stern feedback and track their improvement. I can’t improve people by showering them with rose petals. At times a strict approach is essential.
The so-called friendly people hate those who can act decisively when needed. They resent achievers because such individuals make them feel inadequate.
If you or someone among your friends and family are stuck in such a mindset, you must coach them about reality.
Being nice will not take you anywhere. Being competent and responsible will!
You might want to read this before moving to the next section!
I was born in a small town called Muzaffarpur in Bihar. We were the only middle-class family among a colony filled with rich folks!
During my formative years, I experienced a lot of bullying.
I was sexually abused on multiple occasions.
Those days kids did not talk about rape. If it happened, they had to bear the trauma themselves. I had nobody to talk to. I isolated myself, found recluse in books.
As I grew, I became more socially inept. I was an anxious tiny male who hated himself the most. Yet, in my eyes, I was virtuous, nice, and kind.
I didn’t have the capacity even to defend myself when bullied.
I thought of myself as a practitioner of non-violence.
Little did I know, that I was just a rabbit with no claws to defend myself from wolves.
It is essential to stand up to bullies, not to give in to them.
I got abused, beaten, bullied, made fun of, yet I endured all of that.
Trauma, if not appropriately processed, becomes a part of you.
I and my trauma got entwined in my personality.
I lacked confidence.
My posture was hunched.
I spoke meekly.
Never challenged authority.
Always expected people to be nice.
I was like this for at least 25 years of my life before I started working on myself, one step at a time.
I specifically remember an incident which was a pre-cursor to my transformation.
A good friend of mine always warned me about my poor posture. He coached me on how to improve it, but he wasn’t aware that it is a mental issue and not a physical one.
During one of our conversations, he posed a question.
“Nishant, what will you do if you become the CEO of this company. Will you still walk with your shoulders bend?”
I confidently replied, “Yes, of course! I do not want to throw attitude to others or come across like an oppressor. I think my posture depicts that I am a humble person.”
The conversation continued for hours. I had every arsenal to prove my point. I glorified my inadequacy. Finally, my friend gave up.
Once I got some time to reflect on our conversation, I immediately knew that all I did was blanket my inadequacy with faulty narratives.
Instead of accepting that I do not come across as a confident individual, I gave in to my feeble self, ranking my niceness above every other quality. But that made me think.
I knew my friend was right. I knew I had to do something to improve myself.
And thus began my journey.
I always read, and I always wrote. But back in those days, I considered non-fiction as useless crap.
Fiction was what fancied me. The amount of pain a writer goes through to pen down an epic text is unparalleled. I assumed that writing non-fiction didn’t require mastery. I was wrong.
When I shed my presuppositions regarding non-fiction, I fell in love with the process. Every non-fiction writer researches for years before compiling their work. They, too, suffer during the process of creating their art. Just because their suffering didn’t meet the standards of my poor interpretation, I regarded it as useless.
Finally, I realized my faulty approach and embraced non-fiction researched texts.
I studied NLP, mindfulness, lucid dreaming, stoicism, tai-chi, eco-meditation, emotional intelligence, and the ways we can rewire ourselves to unlock the limitless potential of human minds.
I spent quite some time in Ladakh practicing meditation. It transformed my life.
I began with self-authoring, wherein we tear apart our past on paper to identify toxic patterns, followed by getting rid of those poisonous shadows.
Mindfulness helped me stay in the present.
I finally realized that I am not what happened to me as a child.
I altered my present.
I became a better version of myself.
I am still a flawed individual, but I am no longer suffering.
I put in work daily.
I get better daily.
I fail daily.
I try the next day again with a better approach.
After self-authoring and mindfulness, I felt a lot healthier. I then turned my focus to physical activities and a healthy diet, which increased my focus, concentration, productivity, and efficiency.
I consider myself a student.
I will continue to be one for the rest of my life.
I study for around 5 hours daily to add value to myself. Every free minute of my life is dedicated to learning and helping others. At the same time, I expect nothing in return.
A smile on the faces of the people whose lives I touch positively is my reward.
If you consider yourself nice, yet you have an expectation from the world to treat you in a better manner, you are ugly, my friend.
You are weak.
You must get strong.
Try these five steps to organize your life:
Stop being a victim.
Be kind without expectations.
Stand up for yourself.
Stop being a victim
A victim mindset is a toxic mindset. Even if you were abused, cheated on, backstabbed, disrespected in the past, it was in the past. You can no longer live in the past. You must break free from the chains of trauma that have enslaved you for years. You must sculpt your destiny. The first step is to make peace with your past.
“Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.”
Write down your most terrible memories—ones, which haunt you daily. Accept them and acknowledge that you are in control. Forgive the people who wronged you. This is where your niceness should play a dominant role. Forgive the wrongdoings of others. They hurt you because they were themselves in pain. They did not know how to deal with it. In their ignorance, they projected their insecurities on you.
Hold no ill will.
Get in terms with your past.
And begin a new glorious journey to a bright new future.
Once you have accepted your life, you need to change it. The first step is being responsible for yourself. You will need to be accountable for every activity related to your being.
Set goals for yourself.
Wake up early.
Write a daily journal.
Cook your meals.
Wash your clothes.
Take care of your loved ones.
Spend time learning new skills and be a master of ones you already possess.
Keep distance from toxic people.
Have no expectations from others.
Have high expectations from yourself.
Do not waste a single minute.
Do not indulge in activities that don’t bring you closer to your life goals.
Once you have done these, then take on new responsibilities. The whole idea of being responsible is having no time for mindless pleasures.
Be kind without expectations
Being kind adds happiness to your being. The more generous you are to others, the more adequate you will feel inside. But, many of us are helpful because we expect something in return. That could be as little as a thank you. However, the world doesn’t follow your rules.
It is not necessary that everyone will be grateful for your kindness.
A few years ago, I overheard a conversation wherein a driver was begging his employer for money as his kid was admitted to a hospital. He frantically pleaded his case.
The kid had suffered a brain injury, and the doctors refused to operate without advance payment.
His employer asked him to wait for a day or two.
The driver was baffled. His kid could die if not provided immediate medical attention.
I didn’t think twice before emptying my savings. I gave all I had. Though it was a small amount, yet it was sufficient for the greedy doctors to get the procedure started.
The driver took my number and said he would return me the money.
Now, I did not expect to get that money back.
But at the same time, I wanted him to make me feel better about myself.
I waited for weeks. He never called back to thank me.
After a few months, I grew sour. I felt cheated.
Even after doing an act of kindness, I wasn’t happy.
I recently realized my mistake.
Though I was kind, my actions were self-motivated. I was high on self-loathing. I thought a kind act would make me feel better about my inadequacies. That’s where I went wrong.
We cannot do nice things for others, hoping they will be grateful.
We need to be kind, selflessly.
Buy your partner expensive gifts, but don’t expect a lifetime commitment.
Feed your kids while you starve, knowing that you will be alone during old age.
Take care of your family. Elevate their lives. Do not expect gratitude in return.
Work for longer hours without expecting a raise or promotion.
Help your friends when they are in need. Do not expect that they will return the favor.
Have high expectations from yourself
Do not expect from others. Expect from yourself.
All of your expectations should be from yourself.
You are one. Yet, you are not one.
You are your body.
You are also your mind.
You are your feelings.
You are your surroundings.
You are your soul.
All in all, you are a bright fucking universe in yourself.
Expect things from yourself.
Expect that your mind will wake you up early.
Expect that your body will be strong.
Expect that your soul is pure.
Expect to be fearless.
Expect to be innovative.
Expect to impact lives.
Expect to be the best version of yourself.
All of your expectations should be with yourself. Take the proper steps to fulfill your expectations.
If you expect yourself to be loyal, then do not engage in adultery, no matter how tempting it feels.
If you expect yourself to be ultra-productive, do not subscribe to Netflix. Read books instead.