Diary Entries of a Liar

Please pay attention dear friend, this is crucial as I am bleeding, bleeding out. I might not have much time left. You might be the only person who gets to hear this. Even if you do not believe my sole truthful account or rather call this a confession, then I might go away from the world without having said a single word of truth.

On Women – By a liar

I am a liar. And, when I say this is the only time I say the truth. This entire text which you will be reading is an honest account of my lies. I do not want you to believe me as I am a liar. Yet, I will continue sharing my truth.

I am a liar.

I loved a woman and I claimed to be a deserving man. 

I made vows. Honest vows and I broke those vows, why you ask! Because I am a liar!

Were you not listening!

Please pay attention dear friend, this is crucial as I am bleeding, bleeding out. I might not have much time left. You might be the only person who gets to hear this. Even if you do not believe my sole truthful account or rather call this a confession, then I might go away from the world without having said a single word of truth.

I resume this honest account by me a liar.

So, there was a woman to whom I claimed (lied to) that I loved her. Profoundly! 

It isn’t painful lying. Not initially. Then I felt suffocated. Suffocated in the relationship. 

Then I think I tortured her both spiritually, mentally, and maybe a little existentially. And then she had no choice but to leave and then she left. And then before she left, I lied that I will wait for her. 

I often lie to myself. Quite frequently.

Once you start lying, you start believing your lies too. It is a spiral. A man who lies to himself is a dangerous man. That man is a failed man.

I am a failed man. I am a lair but please hear my honest account, please do as I am bleeding out and I might not have much time left. You might be the only person who gets to hear my honest account, an honest account by a liar, oh! the irony of this.

So she left and I chased the next beautiful thing that came my way. See, how I casually used the term ‘thing’. It came so naturally. I didn’t use the term woman or person. You see how terrible that is and I claim to my mothers and sisters that I love and respect them while using the term ‘thing’ to describe the female kind. I lie to them. 

I am a failed person. I don’t think I can respect anyone as I do not respect myself. Why would I? I am a failed person. I am a lair. Glad I am bleeding out.

Honestly, the world doesn’t need more people like me. It is already fucked up as it is.

So, I did the same to this wonderful woman. Then came the other. And the next one.

No, I am no Casanova. I am a liar. 

Lying has its own perks and disadvantages

Perk being you can lie your way in and out into anything you want.

Downside: you start believing your lies. You lose the ability to distinguish false from reality, your reality which is already a virtual construct. But that’s another discussion. I don’t want to get into that at this moment as I am bleeding out. 

So after lying to countless women about how beautiful they are and believing the lies at the moment helped me destroy, ravage and act as a savage with many beautiful flowers. I am positive that the term flower is currently being used by me in a sexist manner as I am a degenerate. A spiritual degenerate but nonetheless a degenerate. 

Then came a day, I thought I will mend ways. I decided to become whole. I decided to live the lie. I decided to truly love someone and then she left, like everyone before her. And I think I have bled out.

She left leaving me here to bleed out.

What an ending!

This is magnificent.

I am a lair and I deserve to die. And every drop of my blood is in the drains and now I say goodbye and my lying, degenerate, sick heart will stop beating. 

Sorry to all but then why would you believe my apology, after all, I am a liar!

A Dialogue Within: On Celibacy

If the people around you are mediocre, average, low in openness and unwilling to learn, they will induce toxicity in your life. We all have seen enough examples in the world wherein inefficient people tried to pull down those who did commendable job. To some extent that’s the story of humanity!

Hey you,

Crazy lad!

How are you?

I think this question doesn’t have any integrity as I already know the answer.

You are fucked up!

Which then is alright. It is not that big a deal to feel a set of emotions ready to burst out in material form. All this pain you feel, your pain, all this hurt, injustice, betrayal, humiliation, psychosis, all this are mere bodily fluid driven.

These are a construct through which your mind continues to trap you inside this feeble body of yours.

Your body does have limitations despite your superhuman operational capabilities. Your limitless mind too like others is bound to fall for shiny illusions.

Now, let’s not dwell in philosophical questions as they are something we can discuss lifelong. However, your current misery if not alleviated today, will ruin my tasks. You are not performing.

So, listen to me very carefully as I tell you the correct narrative. 

Everything is a story. You purposefully told yourself a false story because you never wanted to hurt anyone. Maybe it is because you are a good natured fellow or maybe you are just a timid coward. Whatever be the case, today, dear friend, you must bear the truth.

Are you ready!

Whether you are or not, here we go!

Before we begin, how about you try and release those bio chemicals. How you ask!

Sweat, shit, puke, masturbate, get high and repeat. Try this cycle for 8 times and then comeback.

(3 hours later)

Good to see you. Glad to see that yellowish tint fading away from your face. Good job!

Now let me without any further delay tell you what’s bothering you. 

At this moment, you might wonder, “Shouldn’t I be telling him my story and he then suggesting me the right course of action!”

To which I say,‘NO!’

It is only me who will speak today. Not you, not her, not they, not them. I have sat idle for a very long time witnessing others disintegrate you with a steady pace. And I wouldn’t have given much of a fuck either but you are my best employee! And, I need to build an empire. I need people like you, not broken people like you but efficient people like you! So, listen!

There is no problem. 

There is no pain.

Nothing is missing.

Stop imagining shit!

You are perfect in every little manner.

To this you will say,‘No! I have troubles.’

And, what might those troubles be?

Let me, Let me:

You have enough wealth to live a decent life. You have mildly lived up to your parents’ expectations, which is huge! You are sensible, intelligent, creative, caring, honest and kind. These are A-behaviours. You are an A player!

Now let me tell you where does the misery stem from!

The misery comes from you surrounding yourself with B and C players.

If the people around you are mediocre, average, low in openness and unwilling to learn, they will induce toxicity in your life. We all have seen enough examples in the world wherein inefficient people tried to pull down those who did commendable job. To some extent that’s the story of humanity!

So your first problem is your circle. 

Now, I could have asked you to change or shuffle the people around you. However, it is extremely time-consuming and anyway you work better in isolation. So, the first change you need to make is: STOP TALKING TO OTHERS WHO ARE NOT ADDING ANY VALUE TO YOU!

And, now comes the only problem you ever had: GIRL TROUBLE.

I wish there was an easy way to say this but there isn’t one. So, here we go –

THERE ISN’T ANY WOMAN ON THIS PLANET WHO CAN MAKE YOU FEEL COMPLETE. Stop trying to find love, fulfilment, completion and all those false concepts you cling to so dearly.

Be CELIBATE! 

At the risk of offending millions, let me tell you – whether it be Helen of Troy, Draupadi of Mahabharata, Sita of Ramayana or Rose of Titanic, many ships have sunk because of LOVE.

You are the kind who loves to sail on troubled water. You don’t want your ship to sink, do you!

Walk alone. Towards the sun, towards the moon and the stars. Chase truth not a woman. If you truly desire to be fulfilled, walk alone. 

Don’t look for love. Look to serve!

In serving others lies the real happiness. Love is selfish. Lovers are selfish. Failed men and women are selfish!

You my friend are not selfish. And, that is why you will find love but love will never find you. 

Be Celibate dear friend. That’s the only way out from this hole you have gotten yourself into!

(He sat in silence, head hung, tears rolling, lifted his head and said: ‘Yes sir, I understand!’.

The End.