Are you doing it right?

Sex alone can stabilize the levels of serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine in our bodies. To achieve spirituality, we need our biochemicals in balance. We do yoga, tai-chi, meditation, avoid stress, eat healthily, read, seek entertainment, browse social media, all in an attempt to get better doses of biochemicals. A single passionate sexual encounter can provide all of this. Instead of focusing on so many activities to reach a state of balance, you might wanna focus on sex. All else will then be easy.

Goodmorning planet,

How are you doing today?

I am fantastic.

Today during my early morning run, I encountered the lovely smell of flower mist.

Remember those ancient times, during our childhood, when you passed by flower gardens, which filled your lungs with an intoxicating fragrance. Surprisingly as we grew, the flowers stopped smelling pleasant. It’s not that they became extinct. Flowers are still around. Those you find at your local flower seller smell good and trick you into believing that it is real. Even though we all are well aware that these are sprayed with chemicals to look fresh and smell sweet, we compromise. We trick ourselves into believing the flowers are fresh and fragrant—things we do to smile.

It’s all right. I am not passing any judgments. Just sharing my observations.

I am not sure what changed today.

Was I more aware than other days? That doesn’t seem practical.

Maybe it’s because it rained last night.

I am not going to involve too much energy trying to figure out the reason behind this rare phenomenon. You should also try to wake up early someday and visit your local park and love those flowers as you love your wife or your partner or that sidearm squeeze you bang apart from the honest specimen at home.

The smell of those lovely flowers did bring back some old memories.

I recalled how I used to use flowers to cement my relationships. Now I use plants.

Recently on my first anniversary, I gave my partner a moon-cactus plant.

All these talks of flowers and plants pushed my stray thoughts into a dungeon of crooked modern courtship practices and failed relationships.

Something as beautiful as love is now being searched for on dating apps such as Tinder. I am not against hookups. If you love hooking up, hook yourself up with whomsoever you please. My concern is this false legitimacy of hookup culture as dating.

An app with an end goal of getting laid and releasing your sexual energies cannot be called a dating app. We should choose words carefully while describing events, phenomena, or things.

I have witnessed my friends of both the genders struggling to cope up with the psychological effects of hookups, ruminating the false set of expectations whether the girl or boy will contact them again or not.

Once again, a hook-up is no strings attached.

You cannot expect your hook-ups to court you.

People are way confused between steamy, raunchy sex, and a nurturing relationship.

How did we reach here? Let’s find out!

History of Relationships

So, centuries ago, we were hunters and gatherers. We were sexually free.

There was no concept of possession. Therefore a man or a woman never belonged to anyone. They both played their individual assigned roles and responsibilities.

Evidence indicates that all kinds of small bands of hunters and gatherers existed. A few believed in relationships. However, most of them were in an open relationship wherein everyone fucked everyone. There was a mother. There was never a father.

Few cultures believed that if a woman fornicated with many men, the chances would be higher for the offspring to be abundant in a diverse range of qualities and skills. Don’t forget there were no genetic studies back then. Nobody knew how things really worked even though they had a few ill-formed theories.

Then came the agricultural revolution which fucked things for all of us. Earlier, we used to wander new territories and explore new lands. Agricultural revolution domesticated us. From an evolutionary point of view, as Yuval Noah Harari puts it, we didn’t domesticate wild crops. Instead, wild crops such as wheat domesticated us. We became stagnant, forced to live in small areas in increasing numbers, surrounded by germs and microbes. From free creatures for whom the world was the elixir, we became filthy stinking creatures who ate where they shat.

I will not continue defaming the agricultural revolution. However, demeaning it was for humankind, it did bring a lot many advancements in human society.

Now because we stayed in a single place, we came up with the idea of territory.

We coined the feeling of possession.

Entitlement. 

It’s my land.

Imagine you were sitting on a mountaintop 10,000 years ago. Someone came and claimed it was his mountain. How would you have felt?

How can a piece of land be someone’s? 

Nonetheless, we are highly imaginative characters. We built a few collective narratives like religion, politics, gods, and nations, to validate our actions and thoughts.

The idea of possession gave birth to the concept of marriage.

A new kind of institution was born—the institution of marriage. It believed in the sanctity of the bond between a man and a woman.

Marriages solved a lot of problems.

Now finding a suitable partner was no longer a responsibility of the self. It was delegated to the elders of the family, clan, and society. Marriages became a tool of convenience. Sisters & daughters were handed over to strengthen bonds between communities, kingdoms, and empires.

This setup continued for centuries after the agricultural revolution. It played a crucial role in increasing the headcount of our species.

I am positive many of these marriages must have been a fulfilling experience for both partners. However, my guess is as good as yours.

During ancient times the state was powerless when it came to the functioning of families and extended families. Villages were closed knit communities. Elders were self-appointed governors.

Then came the industrial revolution. The industrial revolution changed the way societies functioned. In the past, the majority of the population was mostly static, sticking to their birthplaces. Merchants frequently traveled, however, the idea was to earn more wealth. People rarely migrated searching for better opportunities and lifestyles.

The industrial revolution changed this. A big chunk of the population migrated from villages to prosperous cities in an attempt to make a claim at the riches cities used to flout.

The industrial revolution broke the family apart. Joint families gave way to nuclear families. The state grew more robust, started to interfere in the functioning of families. Human rights and women’s rights were introduced. Now, in theory, anyone was allowed to marry anybody and start a family together until the time they paid their dues to the state (taxes) and were model citizens.

Despite such drastic changes in human society, a bond that never changed was the relationship between a man and a woman. Today we will try to understand what this bond is and how we can strengthen it to enjoy a blissful life.

The importance of an intimate relationship

Despite the growing isolation in today’s society, one cannot deny the importance of an intimate relationship. A loner female also daydreams about a loner male with whom she wants to share a few laughs and eventually bed. A fulfilling sexual experience with someone we are fond of is likely to uplift our mood and help us see clearly. At the same time, we crave someone with whom we can share every aspect of our lives. Someone in front of whom we can be pure, unapologetic versions of ourselves. This need for a partner is as potent as a female’s desire for motherhood or a farmers’ desire for rains.

Men and women equally crave for healthy bonding with the opposite sex. We all want to fall in love, imagine fairy tale weddings, and set goals of starting a family sometime soon.

The current scenario

The industrial revolution, followed by the scientific revolution, transformed the fabric of our society. From a broader perspective, men and women enjoy equal rights and status, which wasn’t the case centuries ago. This change of dynamic clubbed with deteriorating social bonds has messed up relationship dynamics as well.

Initially, marriage was the one and only goal. None of our ancestors dated multiple partners and fell in love with one, only to realize that he/she isn’t the right person. Finally, divorcing the partner and starting the whole cycle fresh.

Urban men and women are not dependent on each other. They each make their own living and have a unique set of expectations from their partners.

Expectations mostly ruin relationships.

If an alien visits our planet. This is how she will explain our pursuit and need for a loving partner:

“Men and women are always on the lookout for a partner. Ideally, the goal is procreation, however, these creatures have a diverse set of rituals before they indulge in mating.

They dress fancily in conjunction with other animals on the planet. Females flaunt plumage, and men display a loving ferocity. What makes these species unique is their fondness of a variety of games to strengthen their bonding with their mate.

These humans visit a variety of congregations where they get intoxicated, dance and grope each other before culminating the night with fornication. Surprisingly fornication is only a small part of human mating. Every other activity plays as vital role as fornication in ensuring the male and the female stay together loyally for extended periods. Yet, these humans make fornication as the epicenter of their relationship rituals.”

Tough to rule out such an accurate perspective.

Boy meets girl and what happens after

Now that in theory, men and women hold equal rights and responsibilities, the relationship dynamic has revolutionized. In the past, both men and women assumed they were fated to be together. Divorces were a rare phenomenon. Due to elders’ interference and an obligation to maintain a social upstanding, partners split only in exceptional cases.

With the advent of the birth control pill, women were truly free from biological shackles. Now women could explore their sexuality without the fear of losing their careers and personal freedom. 70’s witnessed an era of the sexual revolution. Females now could choose mates as per their own preferences. And if found unworthy could dispose of them discreetly without much social outcry.

Presently in urban cities, men and women living together share equal responsibilities, not doomed to stay together in an unfulfilling relationship.

Let’s explore how a relationship progresses:

Step 1: A boy or a girl or both start fancying each other

Step 2: One of them is bold enough to start a conversation to spend some alone time

*So far, the attraction between the sexes is purely material either fueled by physical attractiveness or financial dominance.

Step 3: Both the partners share more about each other and frame a primary personality type of the person they are spending time with

Step 4: After a few enjoyable encounters, if both are willing, they indulge in fornication

Step 5: If the fornication is as good as spending time together, the relationship further strengthens

Step 6: After a few years of togetherness, spending a short time loving and ton of time arguing, both agree to spend life together

Step 7: If both maintain their personalities without going through radical change, chances are they might have an offspring together

Step 8: If things go all right, the couple stays together till the end of their time on the planet

The above representation is the most ideal circumstance. However, the reality is highly complicated.

As per statistics, the chances are very high that the partners lie to each other, do not settle disputes, engage in infidelity, are absolutely dishonest, do not share household responsibilities, try and break each other’s spirit until someone snaps and the relationship ends.

Have you ever wondered what is causing this deterioration in a wholesome experience, which impacts the quality of our lives profoundly?

From what I have read, researched, and understood, we are playing a game that we are inapt for. We need to change our strategy. We need to incorporate a relationship regime.

If we want a healthy life, we follow a healthy lifestyle.

If we want a sharp mind, we stay away from substances and embrace meditation and yoga.

If we want a strong body, we eat healthily and do strength training at least 4 times a week.

If we want a successful career, we work hard, build relationships, and take advantage of the right opportunities.

Similarly, if we want a healthy relationship, there are things that we must do in a clock-like manner.

A few years ago, a distressed female shared her ugly relationship details with me. She was hugely bummed by the fact that she and her partner didn’t communicate much and never resolved any issues.

I suggested she try to note down her expectations and discuss it with her partner like adults. She laughed maniacally at my advice. She enlightened me that relationship problems cannot be resolved by making notes on a paper.

Well, here was a distressed individual who wasn’t even willing to try new approaches.

I hope you are not as stuck up as her or else you are wasting your time here. Because today we will explore how we can strengthen our relationships with our partners using the right measures instead of relying on occasional emotional outbursts.

Past relationship experiences

Before we move ahead, we need to understand the role of our past experiences in shaping our existing relationships.

We all are familiar with mommy and daddy issues. Our parents hold the utmost level of passive control both on our emotions and sexuality. As put forward by Freud in the Oedipus & Electra complex, children have an unconscious sexual desire towards the opposite sex parent.

Little boys are sexually attracted to their mother and little girls towards their father.

This initial attraction marks the foundation for parental approval, love, romantic notions, and sexual partner choice.

Men and women who felt ignored and unloved by their parents during their formative years end up with various personality disorders, most common being a tendency to please people.

Mommy Issues

A male choice of partners and relationship dynamics are a by-product of his relationship with his mother.

If a male always wishes to please his mother, he is more likely to not resolve conflicts with his partner and compromise leading to an unsettling relationship.

If the mother holds a great deal of control over a man, he will never be able to make firm decisions independently. His decision-making capabilities will be compromised, leading to an immature reaction during relationship conflicts.

Men should do daily journaling for months or even years until the time they have torn apart their life entirely in an attempt to get rid of this toxic mommy influence.

Write down detailed accounts of all memories, both good and bad, around your mother.

Try and understand why you did what you did.

Understand your choices. 

Understand your decisions.

Forgive yourself and your mother.

Hold no resentment.

If a female senses a man is too troubled with mommy issues, the best she can do is keep distance and allow the partner to heal. Often traumatized females prefer to be the mother instead of helping their partners to grow. That’s just throwing another set of nipples to a suckling child who is hell-bent on biting off those titties.

It will result in a disaster.

Daddy Issues

As is the case with males, similarly, females suffer from daddy issues. Females are more likely to choose their partners as per the understanding of their fathers.

While growing up, a female craves love, validation, and acceptance from her father. Her relationship with her father will pave the foundation on which she will measure her future relationships/partners.

Fathers come in diverse packaging. There will be those who would shower their daughters with abundant love and affection. They will make their daughters feel entitled and loved, expecting nothing in return. This princess treatment is likely to influence the daughters to assume they will always receive love irrespective of whether they deserve it. Such daughters will always feel unloved in future relationships because no boy will ever be able to love her even remotely closer to the way daddy did.

Well, Daddy just fucked her daughter for a lifetime! He meant well, but he messed it up.

Those abusive, violent, wife beaters of a father will force the daughters into believing all men are ugly, and they will always have unstable relationships. Either they will crave excitement by being around the so-called “bad boys” attempting to fix them or keep on bouncing from one guy to the next, hoping to find love and acceptance daddy never gave.

I can go on and on about different types of fathers and how they will impact a daughter’s choice of partners. But I guess you get the gist.

A request to every daughter whether she had a loving father or not, please let it go.

Your father was your past. Despite him being an inadequate asshole or overprotective or abusive, he wanted to love you. He did a poor job at it, but he wanted to. Whatever you are today – a strong, self-made female- hadn’t been possible without what you went through. 

Thank your stars that your father despised you or spoiled you.

Hold no resentment. 

Call him, text him, write to him.

Let him know, despite being good, bad, or ugly, he will always be your father, and you will always love him.

His life force created you. You cannot be happy until you accept him for the monster he is.

Once you forgive him, you will be at peace with yourself and ready to fall in love with the right person instead of getting influenced by your unresolved trauma expecting your partner to be your new DADDY!

Past Relationships

Mommy & Daddy issues influence our relationships immensely, so do our previous relationships. If we were in a relationship that did not fare well, we hold on to the trauma. Either we would like to recreate a similar relationship or work around the same lines.

If your partner cheated on you in your previous relationship, either you would be overly suspicious of your existing partner, like snooping on their texts and emails, or maybe you will develop a cuckold or a threesome fantasy. People cope in different ways.

Similarly, if you were in an abusive relationship in the past, chances are higher you won’t enjoy a lot with an agreeable partner. Your idea of a romantic relationship was defined by a constant state of chaos after which you engaged in a steamy hate fuck. That’s how you were used to living in a relationship.

Suddenly, now you are with an agreeable person, who discusses issues, seeks a middle ground, and maturely resolves problems. You will start to crave an uncertainty, toxic influence that is not present. You may feel the urge to cheat on this someone because, in your mind, your relationship is dull. You are seeking a different kind of high. Chasing past emotions!

It is absolutely normal to crave your relationships on the structure your initial relationships were formed on. However, breaking the pattern is the right choice. The age we live in makes it impossible to know beforehand what new surprises a new partner will bring in. If you are healthy both physically and emotionally, you should seek a healthy partner and see how your relationship shapes up.

Building a relationship is like gardening.

You moisten the land.

You sow the seeds.

You continuously water.

Add compost.

Take care of the growing plant.

Keep on removing the dead leaves.

And, voila in a few years, you might have something worth cherishing.

The first step will always be to become emotionally and physically healthy. 

B-grade movies and cheap fiction have made us believe there is someone out there who would make us whole. However, in reality, our emotional well being will attract the right person, not the other way round.

Yes, being with a loving partner will indeed improve the quality of your life. However, it will only last if you have worked on yourself to deserve such a partner. Otherwise, you will keep jumping from one shitty relationship to the other, fucking yourself up in the way.

If you are not healthy, you shouldn’t step into a relationship. It will be toxic for both you and your partner. Invest some time in fixing yourself to attract a desirable partner. Do not settle for anyone who comes in the way, hoping this time it will be different.

How to better your relationship

So far, we have discussed the importance of relationships and the various factors which influence our choices and actions in a relationship. Now comes how can we better our existing relationships.

We will be discussing this in detail in the following sections. For now, let’s see how an ideal day should be in a relationship.

Mornings: Mornings are extremely important. It sets the mood and tone of your entire day. If you are living together, your morning should begin with a soulful gaze. If you guys wake up at the same time, then nothing like that. The moment you wake up, make out for a minute or two.

(I am assuming you brushed your teeth before going to bed last night) 

Touch her.

Hug her.

Make your partner feel special through your eyes and body.

Say nice things.

Tell her why you love her so much.

Make her realize how special she is.

If this requires work from your end, put in some work. Relationships are not built on hollow ground. You should be ready to work for a happy relationship. 

During your free time daily, make notes about what you like about your partner. 

What you love about this crazy woman. It could be as simple as her big booty, her culinary skills, or as complicated as her ultra sensitiveness, orderliness, cleanliness, or whatever lights up your face. Go figure it out.

Engage in some activity together.

Drink tea/coffee together.

Prepare meals together.

Meditate together. 

If you are a better cook, then maybe she can chop vegetables.

Remember, you guys are one, split into two physical mediums.

The relationship makes you one. That’s the beauty of a healthy relationship.

Beyond that, help her get ready for work. Be involved in her choices. If she wants your input about what she should wear, be there fucker!

If you guys are not living together, make sure you text, email, or call her first thing in the morning. You need to begin the day lovingly. What’s the point of being with someone if you cannot be head over heels. You must enjoy every moment of togetherness, else relationship will also turn into nothing more than a chore.

Afternoons: After your lunch, doesn’t matter how busy your day is, you should check in with your partner at least once. Do not plan a long conversation, you both have work to do. Just an affectionate hello would do.

01.23 pm – Hey, my day is going great. Your thoughts make it beautiful.

Or

Hey, not having a good day, glad there’s something I love. (and that’s you silly!)

Out of ideas, Google cheesy oneliners and throw them at your partner. Your efforts make it special.

Hey, I am feeling a little light. Seems like someone stole my heart. Was that you?

Or just send a selfie, you lazy motherfucker! But do something.

Evenings: Evenings are lovely. You will be meeting the love of your life in the next few hours. Let her know how excited you are.

Can’t wait to see you!

Dinner with you is similar to sex with Angelina, and I just said no to her, so dinner with you it is!

Be innovative. Be affectionate.

I can assure you, if you genuinely love your partner, you will never run out of ideas to create such tiny moments. And such small moments are what bring people together. You can’t wait for your annual vacation to rekindle your love life. That’s stupid!

If you can’t love your partner in the city, mountains and oceans won’t make any difference.

Nights: Fuck motherfuckers! What do you want from me, a manual on how to do it? I am not writing it today! Maybe in the next few months.

The importance of sex

Sex alone can stabilize the levels of serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine in our bodies. To achieve spirituality, we need our biochemicals in balance. We do yoga, tai-chi, meditation, avoid stress, eat healthily, read, seek entertainment, browse social media, all in an attempt to get better doses of biochemicals. A single passionate sexual encounter can provide all of this. Instead of focusing on so many activities to reach a state of balance, you might wanna focus on sex. All else will then be easy.

Me and my partner, when we had sex for the first time, she said something beautiful.

She said, “Nishant, it feels so good when you are inside me, it feels like a missing puzzle piece perfectly fit together.”

I understand this might not sound sexy to most of you, but for me, this was the most beautiful expression anyone could come up with during or after sex

Sex is the most fun activity two individuals can engage in. If you are in a loving relationship, the pleasure intensifies a million folds.

Sadly, research studies indicate that we are not doing it right!

Yes, you heard it correct – we are not doing it right!

Most of the men are two pump wonders who think pushing themselves violently into their partners adds pleasure to both. If you are hungry for weeks, a dry morsel will also present itself as a delicacy. However, in daily life, every dish needs to be beautifully garnished to increase the dish’s appeal.

The anticipation of a tasty meal adds to the taste.

The smell of a dish opens up your taste buds.

You do not devour an expensive food item in an elite restaurant. You eat it slowly, feeling every bite to its full.

Sex is no different.

Let’s learn how to make sex work for us and our relationship. How to avoid being a slave to beastly impulses!

Preparation 

Spontaneity rewards us undoubtedly. Many times a spontaneous, unplanned sexual encounter makes the act more beautiful. In one of my previous relationships, my partner and I were having a violent fight. We were pushing each other and pulling each other’s hair. In between, she lost control and hit me on my face. I couldn’t reciprocate that, so at the moment, I bit her on the lips. Moments later, our aggressiveness transformed into a violent sexual encounter. We both were tearing each other clothes and fucking so hard that books started to fall on the ground from the shelves. We broke vases, glass items, and the whole room looked like a tornado just passed by. It was surreal.

However, an encounter like this cannot be planned. Neither can you have one of these more than twice a year. If you are doing this frequently, chances are higher, things are not working all right in your relationship. You guys might be hate fucking without even knowing it. Staying in a relationship just for the sake of sex is equivalent to casual dating. There are enough examples to indicate it isn’t a healthy trend.

Therefore we must plan in advance.

Imagine your partner passing you a note in the morning, which says, “Wanna make me your bitch tonight?

You send another note, “Yes, I am going to make you beg!”

(If any of you feminists are flaring noses about the taboo language, maybe you do not know how fun it is to talk dirty. You might wanna pull your heads out of your asses and try taboo language sometimes—taboo for you, of course. We are free. You appear to be too uptight. Calling someone slut, whore is not an insult during sex, call men names also, no one is stopping you!)

Imagine your thought process the whole day!

Both of you will see a crazy energy fill inside you. You guys would restlessly wait for the day to end.

Just because you waited for something to happen an entire day will increase the pleasure out of it thousands of times.

Preparation tips

Dress sexily. You and your partner both deserve a rush of visual sensory pleasure. Don’t deprive them by wearing mickey mouse print undies and batman shorts, unless that’s your thing.

Girls, boys prefer women who are in touch with their sexuality. If you cannot be that person in bed, you are not the right partner.

Not everyone wants a cute girl to fuck. And even if they do, try different avatars. Don’t be boring!

Be clean. Once again, unless both of you are into too much hair, be clean. The human tongue is a great sensory organ. It can do wonderful things. If you want to heighten pleasure, try being hairless. Allow your partner to explore every corner of your physical body. They won’t be able to if every now and then a bunch of hair chokes them.

Shed your inhibitions. There are tons of new things to try for both of you as a couple. There’s rimming, BDSM, threesomes, cuckold, roleplay, anal, toys, deep throat, dirty talk. Slowly and gradually, as per your convenience, push your boundaries. The couples you hate, think they are pretentious fucks because they appear to be having such a good time always are actually having a good time. They are not doing missionary 365 days a year. Let this settle in!

Don’t be selfish. In one of my past relationships, there was this female with a bush down there. Which is alright, I am not complaining. I was experienced enough to know how to steer clear of the forest and only focus on the nectar of life. However, she was never comfortable, giving me a blow job. Once again, it was okay with me. I derive pleasure from pleasing my partner, that’s my thing.

One day my tongue slipped into her asshole, probably my bad because I hadn’t done expectation setting. I don’t blame her, however, her disgusted reaction just killed the vibe. In a matter of days, we split. Now she’s an overweight mother bored with her sexual life. She’s only 32! You can imagine where she’s heading towards. A blissful happy married life isn’t on the charts.

Setting matters. Your bedroom is a sacred space. It’s a place where you and your partner will explore the unknown. It needs to be perfect. You cannot have a clumsy bedroom with too much bright lighting. That’s purposefully sabotaging your sexual life.

Imagine your spiritual guru’s photo hanging on top of your bed. Your partner gets a boner, and suddenly you see the guru watching you. You might not feel like taking it in your mouth with your guru’s icy cold gaze piercing you. Even if you are comfortable with your guru watching (maybe you are into that kind of shit, I am not passing judgment), why have unnecessary distractions?

Make sure the lighting is proper. Not too dim that you cannot clearly see your partner’s naked form, neither too bright as it kills the vibe. You do not want to see every mole and stretch mark, do you? If you do more power to you. If not, adjust the lighting accordingly.

No baby stuff, please. Even if you guys are new parents, don’t have diapers and kids toys lying around. That’s just a constant reminder that there’s a greater responsibility to be taken care of. It will impact your performance. You do not open up your email or hang your work trophies and certificates while having sex, then why display your kid’s stuff.

Fragrance matters. Not only both of you have to smell nice, but the room also. You won’t feel like cuming on your partner’s face, neither will she like to sit on your face if your room smell like Butter chicken or Ceaser Salad.

Smell is a powerful way through which our bodies communicate. Both before and during sex, our bodies secrete pheromones to entice our partners, which increases pleasure. Try sniffing her armpits for once, you would realize what I am talking about.

Sex in Action

For morons, I have broken down a sexual encounter in 3 acts. Let’s begin with Act 1.

Act 1: Foreplay

Correct me if I am wrong, especially females (leave comments). What I have gathered after speaking to 17 females who frequently indulged in casual sex with guys they met on Tinder is none of the boys gave too much weightage to foreplay. The average foreplay included a little of kissing, fingering and lasted less than 7-10 mins. Studies indicate that it takes around 45 minutes for a female genital to reach its peak state of lubrication. And on average, guys are only spending 23 minutes in the entire act. So most of the men are leaving their partners unsatisfied.

Females also shared that due to the casual and intense nature of the encounter, some of them did have orgasms, yet they wanted more foreplay.

I am not sure whether to attribute this behavior to the selfishness of men or overconfidence.

The bottom line, violently pushing your fingers into a female’s genitalia is not foreplay. Seems like men are watching the wrong kind of porn. Nonetheless, its never too late. You guys can surely mend your ways and become better in bed.

Sex is an act of giving. You have to offer all you have to your partner. There are many pleasure points in the human body. Intercourse without stimulating all of them is like eating your food raw without any spices or even salt.

Television has forced us into believing sex is a fast act wherein you tear off your partner’s clothes and start shoving things into her. Reality begs to differ.

Start on a gentle note. 

Use all the tools to your disposal. 

Use your lips, tongue, hands, and, of course, the rest of your body. 

Caress every part of her. 

Not even a single inch of her body should be left untouched.

Instead of watching porn, watch animal kingdom. See how animals make love.

They begin with smelling their partners. The scent of a body is a powerful aphrodisiac in its own. Cities have dulled down our sense of smell. You need to reclaim it. 

Smell her.

Lick her. 

She should be drenched in your saliva for the first 15-20 minutes.

Then slowly move towards her vagina.

Gently caress it using your fingers.

Feel every part of her genitalia. Lick it.

Lick her ass.

Your tongue should go so deep in her ass (literally) that you should be able to taste the shit she has been through (metaphorically). Make her feel loved while containing her feminine energy with a masculine force. She should feel your power.

Females need to do the same. His balls should ache. He should cry in pain before you allow him to enter inside you.

During foreplay, use external tools also. It is really disappointing that very few couples are using sex toys. We buy tools to help us in our daily activities, starting with brushing teeth, cleaning, cooking, and going to sleep. When we use external help in everything we do, why are we avoiding them in something that can magically transform our mental state and the quality of our life?

Every couple should try sex toys and that too in an incremental manner. Begin with the basics. Try lube, vibrators, lingerie, roleplay costumes. After few months, move on to butt plugs, dildos, and whatever else turns your crank.

You need to make sure that your foreplay lasts at least 30-45 minutes. Penetration before that is similar to eating uncooked food.

Act 2 – Intercourse

After both of you have spent 45 minutes in foreplay, now your bodies are ready for intercourse. Once again, intercourse doesn’t mean shoving your dick into her and pushing a few times. Intercourse, in itself, is an art that needs to be performed creatively. There are tons of literature available online about new positions. Try at least 5-7 every time. You guys do not have to make intercourse mundane. 

Be a bit playful. 

Pace yourself accordingly.

Both of you should take charge.

Let her ride as she pleases.

Dominate her a few times.

Be versatile.

If you feel you can’t last long, pull it out and get back to foreplay. Once you relax a bit, begin intercourse again.

We must understand sex is not a monotonous act. It is a very involving act demanding a high level of awareness. You must be in good physical shape and a relaxed mental state to enjoy the bliss. This state can only be achieved by caring for each other in your daily lives. You cannot have a messed up relationship and hope the sex will be awesome.

Mostly for women, talking and fucking go hand in hand.

Communicate during intercourse. Check each other comfort level. Adjust accordingly.

Act 3Pillow talk

Fuck Act 1 & 2! Even if you fail miserably in both acts, Act 3 is what matters. After sex, both of you are in a unique physical and mental state. Your body and mind are experiencing a state that can barely be achieved after an hour of yoga and meditation combined. Use it to strengthen your relationship. Don’t be an ass and go to sleep.

Talk to your partner.

Tell her why you love her.

Share your dreams and aspirations.

Recall the best moments of the day.

Make each other feel good.

If there are any issues to be discussed, this might be an excellent time to get them sorted. And most importantly, lie naked against each other.

Do not rush into wearing clothes. That shows you have a low self-image. Your bodies must communicate with each other in this unique state. This will only make the physical bonding stronger. Someday when you guys would like to try anal or any different difficult position, your bodies won’t act stiff because it has bonded with the partner’s body.

And guys, she might want to use a strap on someday and fuck your ass. It is alright. Be open to new experiences. If she does things for you, you can’t refuse when it’s your turn.

Taboo Sex

I am going to keep this section brief. Maybe I will write another essay focusing solely on taboo sex. For today just a little bit of healthy discussion.

We are sexual beings. For centuries we have been sexually free. Somehow, modern society restricted our sexual impulses, which turned so bad that females are not even allowed to talk about sex or even their periods. You can imagine what this has done to our psyche. We have become slaves.

Sex is a medium to reach nirvana. For that, one must try new things. I am not forcing you to. However, please understand it is normal for a partner to suggest BDSM, Voyeurism, Cuckold, Threesomes, Swapping, or sexual encounters of such nature, which are considered taboo by society.

If two people love each other immensely, they won’t feel insecure about bringing someone else in bed with them or doing things a little out of the ordinary.

If you doubt my claim, check erotic sculptures in ancient Indian temples. They are filled with so-called unnatural sex suggestions.

A few years ago, a partner of mine wanted to have a threesome. She suggested it, and we had a great time. I was approached by another couple to sit and watch them having sex. I did so. It was enjoyable both for them and me.

We despise things which we don’t understand. People with a low level of awareness are always quick to pass judgments. Do not let the world tell you how to enjoy sex. You and your partner are the best judge of it.

Please be aware, I am not asking you to indulge in such actions. I am only educating you that it isn’t out worldly to imagine such fantasies and fetishes. I also understand many of you would be appalled at this moment, reasoning on how toxic this could be. For them, I would say, nothing could be more toxic than buying I-phones and Audis, yet that’s acceptable because television tells you to.

Television also doesn’t want you to use the word “fuck”. It beeps this shit. So either live your life by the terms of the TV or your own. You be the judge of it.

The importance of mutual activities

Undoubtedly sex amounts to more than half of the pie when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships. However, it is not the only ingredient. To make sex enjoyable, you need to also fix other aspects of your relationship. One such crucial point is the activities you enjoy doing together.

Many females complain men spend more time playing video games, boozing, and hanging out with friends instead of spending time with them. Similarly, men have such concerns too.

What’s humorous is most of these couples expect their partners to either chat endlessly over the phone or in person. The first shackle such individuals need to break is an illusion that they are interesting. None of us are interesting enough to hold someone’s attention for long. We are dull and boring. What we do makes us interesting. However, that too will fade away as we cannot entertain others 24 hrs each day.

If your partner enjoys singing or dancing, you cannot expect them to sing and dance 24 hrs. That’s why there’s a stupid box called television in your home.

If you genuinely want to spend more time with your partner, you must do exciting activities together, which both of you enjoy. There could be an activity your partner enjoys a lot, but you do not. You can still develop a necessary tolerance to show a bit of enthusiasm and participation.

There was a time, I was into gaming. There was this specific PS2 first-party shooter game called BLACK, which I loved. My partner wasn’t into gaming. So she came up with a bright idea. She became a lookout. She used to point out targets for me.

Shooter at 10’o clock. Bang went my gun!

Duck, Duck, grenade. I was safe.

This simple hack allowed both of us to spend more time together. In return, despite me hating economics, I agreed to be her study partner.

You need to come up with ways to do more things with your partner rather than resisting their choices and forcing them to act in a manner you want them to.

Watch TV shows together

Go to weekend dance classes.

Workout together.

Go swimming on Sundays.

Meditate while holding hands.

Go on couple yoga retreats.

You must break free from the mindset that you need vacations with your partner. Every day is a vacation if you are a good planner.

Even during these lockdown days, I cycle 70 km every Saturday to see my partner. She makes sandwiches for both of us. We go and enjoy a small picnic in a public park as there are no other activities to do presently. 

Love cannot be manufactured. It needs to be grown organically by your toil.

Are you ready to put in the effort? That’s the million-dollar question!

The importance of sharing responsibilities

Spending time enjoying fun activities together will definitely bring you closer to each other. However, another necessity is sharing household responsibilities. This applies to both those who live together and those who are only dating.

You cannot expect a man to work hard while you enjoy your days watching television. It is not only every person’s responsibility to earn their own living, but each of you must also contribute equally to daily duties.

For couples living together, it’s relatively simple. One day you should cook, and the other day your partner.

If one of you doesn’t know how to cook, then learn. While learning, take care of the other attached responsibilities such as getting groceries, chopping, cleaning, boiling, mashing, and so on.

Similarly, water the plants alternatively. Wash clothes every second day. The list goes on and on.

No one of you should be taking all the responsibilities even voluntarily. It might feel good initially, but it is bound to create issues in your relationship dynamic in the long run. Sharing responsibilities is the only sustainable model in a relationship.

Men, please don’t watch TV while your partner is cooking.

Women, please don’t stay unemployed with the excuse that you are taking care of household responsibilities.

Support each other. Be an equal partner. With so much talk going around equality, its high time couples share equal financial and household responsibilities.

Those not living together need to make sure they are paying for their dates equally. A boy doesn’t need to pay for you. That’s demeaning to you. Similarly, you are not a vacation planner. Therefore every outing doesn’t need to be your headache. Plan together. Have fun together.

Men are not here to shower women with gifts. Women are not supposed to open their legs in return. This is not a healthy model. Do not expect gifts, if you do, then give gifts too. That’s an honorable thing to do.

Be you and let you partner be

Last but not least, despite being a single unit, each of you is a separate individual. Do not allow your partner to influence your life decisions. Who you are and who you should be is entirely your call. Discussion is healthy, mimicking is not.

I have seen couples who, after getting into a relationship, alter their entire fabric. That isn’t healthy. Making a few fundamental changes and upgrades to be more compatible is understandable. However, if all you do is meet your partner’s expectations, the relationship is doomed for sure.

Both of you are supposed to bear witness to the life journey of each other. That doesn’t mean you have to walk the same path. Don’t start drinking just because your partner wants you to. Do not change your hairstyle or dressing sense to meet your partner’s expectations. Discuss. Suggest. Do not manipulate. It’s toxic.

If you cannot love someone the way they are, you are not capable of loving.

You might wanna learn a thing or two about acceptance and resistance before diving into a relationship.

BE you & let your partner be.

Bottomline

It is a child’s play to attain a level of consciousness and get in touch with spirituality sitting in a cave all by yourself. There’s no challenge in it. Being with someone and getting stronger both physically and mentally is the goal one should aim for.

You are not supposed to be alone. You are supposed to be with someone who loves you, cares for you, admires you, respects you, whose gaze alone can pierce your body and melt your soul.

You are supposed to be with someone who will also annoy you, hate you, resent you, yet work towards resolving all those issues.

You are beautiful both inside and out. You deserve a beautiful someone.

BE that beautiful someone for yourself first. Then you will attract the right partner. Do not rush into a relationship to get away from boredom and loneliness. Until you do not accept yourself unapologetically, love yourself for who you are, do not expect anyone else to love you.

A relationship is not a magic pill, which, once swallowed, will change your life. It is tough work.

You need to be there for each other both in good times and tough. Sign up for it only when you are ready.

Do not waste someone’s else time and yours in futile selfish pursuits. If you are not ready to give love, you will not receive love.

Do not assume love to be what doped up poets and fiction writers portray in their work. Telly love is fake love. Real love arises from a pure soul. All else is a selfish need.

Be the person you want to love before expecting someone else to love you!

Hope this helped!

I would request you to share this essay on your social media if you liked it. You are free to accept or deny my request.

See you next week with another novel, fresh, and exciting topic.

Leave comments and suggestions. I need them to improve. 

Also, please signup for my email newsletter to never miss any of my articles!

How’s your life between the sheets? 

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Why do nice guys finish last?

If you believe that your kind and loving attitude will help you qualify for the big boys club, you are profoundly mistaken. Nice, kind, loving, caring, empathetic, sensitive – all of these are default settings. Being nice doesn’t make you unique.

Good morning planet,

How are we this lovely morning?

I am fantastic!

What delights me the most is our intimate conversations about human excellence.

We have covered a lot so far in the previous essays.

We have understood how to deal with mental health issues.

We have explored the benefits of acting responsibly.

We have analyzed the impact of sleep and diet on our performance.

We have deduced the benefits of reading and writing.

We have realized the importance of listening.

Taking things forward today, we will discuss an essential human trait – kindness.

A lot of us, when face to face with a calamity, ask either ourselves or a supreme being – Why me?

Why am I going through so much of trouble in my life?

I am a good person.

I have always been kind to others.

Why did my girlfriend leave me for a jerk?

Why doesn’t my wife respect me?

Why was I not awarded a promotion?

Why is the world so insensitive to me?

Why don’t people take me seriously?

Why don’t my kids listen to me?

Why am I bullied?

Why me?

Why me?

Why the fuck me?

I am so nice, always!

Trigger Warning: The content ahead is too honest. Please proceed if you can handle the truth. You have been warned!

As much as I want to sugar coat things for you, this is something that cannot be expressed with mitigated speech. I need to be blunt. If that hurts your feelings, be it.

The first step in creating a better life is self-realization.

You need to realize that you must make changes in your personality. With your current outlook towards the world, you are not best suited with the optimal qualities which can improve your life.

This self-realization needs to stem from within, without any influence from an outer body.

If I tell you today, that you suck, that won’t make much of a difference. You need to realize that you suck.

Hopefully, by the end of today’s essay, you will realize what you lack and begin your journey on the path of self-improvement.

First of all, if you consider yourself nice, it means you are agreeable. You haven’t yet formed your own opinions. You are just a yes man!

A yes man is a weak man.

If you believe that your kind and loving attitude will help you qualify for the big boys club, you are profoundly mistaken.

Nice, kind, loving, caring, empathetic, sensitive – all of these are default settings.

Being nice doesn’t make you unique.

It doesn’t make your more qualified.

It doesn’t make you more appealing.

Kindness has nothing to do with attractiveness.

Niceness is not the measure of your abilities.

If you see a dog and pet him, that doesn’t translate into success.

If you buy your girlfriend expensive stuff, that isn’t an indication of your love or respect. Maybe you are trying to buy her love. Perhaps you are so insecure that you think presents are the only way to secure her love. You are so high in self-loathing that you know someday she would leave you. You are trying your best to delay that inevitable outcome.

You must have heard about Pablo Escobar. He was one of the first drug entrepreneurs. He terrorized the DEA for more than ten years. He was responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent people. In this context, responsible means, the kill order came directly from him.

Not from his organization.

Not from his associates.

But from him!

Once upon a time, Escobar, while escaping authorities, found himself trapped in the cold with his sick daughter. He had no means to keep his daughter warm. All he had was millions of dollar bills. He started burning those. He flashed dollar bills worth millions in a single night to keep his daughter warm.

Now that’s kindness. Will you not agree?

You might claim that he was one of the wealthiest people on the planet; money didn’t mean shit for him. Yet, see this from a father’s perspective. He did all he could to keep his daughter warm when she needed it.

If that’s not kindness, then I don’t know what is!

This is a man being nice to his children.

You can’t get any sweeter than that.

If a barbaric, homicidal maniac like Escobar can be gentle when needed, what makes you so special. You are just an ordinary fellow who has no capacity for violence. Being nice is your default setting. Why do you expect to be treated differently if you do not have anything out of the ordinary to offer?

There’s an old poetry by a renowned Hindi poet Ramdhari Singh Dinkar which I studied during my formative years. These lines got imprinted in my mind.

क्षमा शोभती उस भुजंग को जिसके पास गरल है

उसका क्या जो दंतहीन विषरहित विनीत सरल है

Translation: Forgiveness suits a venomous snake, not a toothless, spineless, simple-minded fucker!

Jordan Peterson says the same in different words.

“A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control.”

JBP

You do not assign the security of your home to rabbits. You entrust it to dogs, ferocious dogs who will rip the intruder’s throat. You trust them because these are not mad dogs. These are loyal dogs.

A weak person is not a loyal person by choice. He’s loyal because he has no other option. He must be loyal or face dire consequences. He is acting faithful, driven by fear.

A strong person makes a choice. He is not scared shitless. He has the capacity for violence. He has the capacity for evil. If he chooses to follow someone, he does it out of his own will, either because he’s inspired by the leader or out of internal motivations. But he isn’t doing it out of fear. He is making a choice.

If you consider yourself nice and yet you fail a lot, it is a possibility that you are stuck in the victim mindset. Before we move forward, you must write this down on a piece of paper and stick it in front of your study table.

The world owes me nothing.

No one owes me anything.

I don’t deserve shit.

I need to earn my place.

I am no longer in the past.

I need to create my victories.

No one is going to handover success.

I am not what happened to me.

I am what I choose to become.

I will become the best version of myself.

This ‘why me’ mentality is toxic. It is a cognitive bias. You have a presupposition that awful things shouldn’t happen to you. Just because you have a default setting of being nice and kind, no harm should come your way.

I hope you are aware that Jesus was the son of god.

I am positive you know what happened to him.

Jesus was a miracle worker literally. He created miracles. He was the human embodiment of kindness. Ideally, by the culturally acceptable definition of nice men, he was the nicest of em all!

They nailed him to a cross and executed him.

He was the son of the god, for fuck’s sake.

He had the right to say – why me father!

But he chooses not to.

Instead, he pleaded forgiveness for his captors from god.

Jesus, being the son of the god, was tortured to death. Yet, he held no ill-will.

Ever wondered why?

Well, he wasn’t only nice. He was also a strong person. He knew the world is filled with apple orchards and snake pits. Our actions lead us to one or the other. He was a strong person. Countless weak, flawed, spineless maggots feared his glory. Crucification, murder, rape, riots are what so-called nice (weaklings) individuals do when they feel threatened. They breed resentment and hatred. They will go to any extent to hurt whom they dislike.

This fact of life is what you are oblivious of if you consider yourself nice. You are as non-deserving as the person next to you. Your competency will make you efficient and worthy, not your compassion.

A famous ancient text in India reflects upon few strategies to get your way with people, institutions, hierarchies, and complex social structures.

It talks about – Saam Daam Dand Bhed (साम, दाम, दंड, भेद), which translates to –

Saam: This translates to flattering or appeasement. When things do not go our way, we can always try to smooth talk to obtain desired results.

Daam: This indicates monetary benefits. If mere words are not fulfilling your goals, you can always buy the other person.

Dand: This contemplates punishment. You can threaten the other person to subside your way.

Bhed: This is threatening. If nothing works, you will politely make the other person understand that this might be the last day for their loved ones.

You get the gist.

These methods were taught by ancient sages to rulers and emperors so that they can manage procedural complexity attached to running a realm efficiently.

None of them suggests you be nice and rollover.

If you are extra nice to people, you might want to reflect inside and identify which nasty part of yourself are you trying to hide with this bullshit. Furthermore, you should speak to that shadow of yours. Understand his motivations and drive. Tame him.

You can’t ignore your insufficiencies with the excuse that the world is an ugly place, and you, only you, are nice. Everyone else is an asshole.

You must have heard about the book of knowledge – Gita.

Gita is a spiritual text. It, in its entirety, talks about consciousness, soul, the human spirit, and how to discover a higher purpose. Surprisingly this profound non-violent text was narrated by a king named Krishna to a warrior named Arjun during a devastating battle.

Arjun’s family considered themselves true heirs to the throne, which was in the control of their cousins. In order to win back the disputed kingdom, Arjun must slaughter his brothers. A critical situation like this can make any sane person a little reluctant. Arjun was battling his mind about the consequences in the middle of a war zone. That’s when Krishna intervened and poured an endless stream of wisdom in which Arjun basked to glory.

Even a profound text like Gita, which preaches peace and tranquility, advises means to achieve nirvana, was brought to light during a violent conflict.

Aggression, violence, and kindness need to go hand in hand.

You must be aggressive in the pursuit of your goals.

Being docile will not lead you to greatness.

A cow can’t hunt.

A cow is sent to a slaughterhouse where she doesn’t even put up a fight.

A cow is nice.

A lion, on the other hand, is the king of the jungle.

Even a captured lion is regarded as a treasure.

It takes balls to tame a lion.

That’s why it is respected and feared even inside a cage.

A cow is never feared.

I am not asking you to intimidate weak people.

I am requesting you to be competent.

You must possess the ability to stand in front of a bully.

You must have the physical strength to put up a fight if life throws one at you.

You must have the mental strength to navigate stressful times.

Only being nice will not lead you to glory.

Mahatma Gandhi was nice.

He was also a warrior.

Everytime oppressors beat him down, he came back again.

He broke the spirit of his oppressors without even raising a finger.

That’s a unique form of bravery.

That isn’t plain niceness.

When Britishers subjugated him and India, he didn’t complain to other countries. He took a firm stand. Believed in himself. United people and inspired the masses to rise.

Every achiever is a dangerous person. They battle their demons and adverse circumstances daily. They are not some whiny bitch who blame their failures on circumstances. They rise above the bullshit, learn from their failures to destroy every obstacle between them and their goals.

Before we talk about achievers, it is crucial to understand how this victim mindset stems.

A tit-sucker or a newborn baby, as the decent folks might say, sees the mother as an object. He assumes that he is training his mother to provide him gratification. Whenever a tit-sucker is hungry, he yells and cries, throws mood swings. The mother then comes running, offering him a pair of boobs. The tit-sucker comprehends this phenomenon as a ground of possession. He thinks that the whole purpose of the mother is to provide him with what he wants.

The mother becomes an object of pleasure.

Now, if on a given day, the mother is not available or delays the gratifying response anticipated by the tit-sucker, he gets mad. The tit-sucker throws a fit of anger. Even when he is starving, the tit-sucker tries to enact revenge. When the mother offers her boobs, the baby bites her. The tit-sucker is more concerned about the power dynamic than hunger pangs.

Now, I am still studying how the female brain functions, so I don’t have examples for the ladies. But, this same behavior is translated by men in the later ages.

We all are aware that after break-ups, a majority of men leak private pictures and videos of their girlfriends. A lot many distribute the phone numbers of their girlfriends on social media so that trolls could harass her.

Men go to terrible extents when they feel rejected.

Weak men assume that women are their property. Unlike abusive men, they do not exploit the women during relationship. However, once the female tries to break free, all hell breaks loose. Weak men act like an agitated tit-sucker, meticulously planning ways to hurt their ex.

And these are mostly nice men. They can’t handle rejection.

These are men who love their women more than others could. At least that’s what they think in their head. They consider themselves loving, caring, and supportive. However, that’s not the case.

Feeble men and women never deal with their emotions. They escape confronting conversations that are essential in a healthy relationship. Now and then, couples fight to resolve their issues. This is not a flawed approach but rather an effective strategy. Disputes are essential and unavoidable. If two people are together, they will have conflicts. There is no workaround.

Feeble men and women act nicely even during conflicts, feeding themselves a faulty narrative that they are acting nice out of love. That is never the case. They avoid conflicts because they are not apt to pursue honest conversations. They have sugarcoated things their entire life. The very idea of conflict makes them shiver. Their brain goes into a panic mode. Instead of resolving issues, they only focus on diffusing it temporarily in an attempt to avoid a loud conversation.

All this while they are under the impression that they are nice, that’s why they avoid conflicts.

However, in reality, they are weak; that’s why they avoid disputes.

You will mostly see weak individuals throw emotional tantrums because they have nothing concrete or factual to add to a dispute.

Weak men and women will argue with leads such as:

I have been so helpful to you. Why are you mean to me?

Do you not love me anymore?

I have done so much for you, why are you behaving this way.

Please don’t fight with me. I can’t take this anymore.

I am sorry, please forgive me.

Please, pay attention to the phrases mentioned above.

None of them offer any sort of solution. Each of them is only meant to appeal to the emotional side of the other person. The bottom line of such sentences is the belief of the weak person that they do not deserve a stern treatment because they are nice.

Please understand that I am not asking you not to be kind. I am asking you to balance your niceness with toughness. That’s the recipe for being successful in life, relationships and all you do.

Consider your life a game.

If you are nice, you are a beginner stuck in Stage 1. You will need to be tough to beat the boss and get to Stage 2. Every stage is more complicated than the last one.

Nice people stay in the first stage for the entirety of their lives.

You need balls to fight your fears and move to the next level.

Do you think you and Elon Musk are playing the same game?

Do you think Robin Sharma is in level 1?

Do you think Jeff Bezos is even playing?

These masters have unlocked bonus stages for themselves.

They are highly competitive, goal-oriented individuals shaping the world for a better tomorrow.

Robin Sharma is a very kind person.

So are Elon and Jeff.

But they have the capacity of evil inside them, which they have conquered. These are not angry warriors running around creating havoc, high on testosterone. These are methodical, meticulous geniuses. They are nice when it is needed. They are also highly combative when it is need of the hour.

Being nice will not make you successful.

Fuck niceness!

Niceness doesn’t pay bills.

A rapist will not leave your sister because you are nice.

A scoundrel will not return your money out of pity for you.

Your partner will not stay with you forever because of your kind attitude.

Kindness is a must. But it alone cannot help you much.

I am in charge of 12 people. If they make errors, I give them stern feedback and track their improvement. I can’t improve people by showering them with rose petals. At times a strict approach is essential.

The so-called friendly people hate those who can act decisively when needed. They resent achievers because such individuals make them feel inadequate.

If you or someone among your friends and family are stuck in such a mindset, you must coach them about reality.

Being nice will not take you anywhere. Being competent and responsible will!

You might want to read this before moving to the next section!

Do You have what it takes to be responsible?

I was born in a small town called Muzaffarpur in Bihar. We were the only middle-class family among a colony filled with rich folks!

During my formative years, I experienced a lot of bullying.

I was sexually abused on multiple occasions.

Those days kids did not talk about rape. If it happened, they had to bear the trauma themselves. I had nobody to talk to. I isolated myself, found recluse in books.

As I grew, I became more socially inept. I was an anxious tiny male who hated himself the most. Yet, in my eyes, I was virtuous, nice, and kind.

I didn’t have the capacity even to defend myself when bullied.

I thought of myself as a practitioner of non-violence.

Little did I know, that I was just a rabbit with no claws to defend myself from wolves.

It is essential to stand up to bullies, not to give in to them.

I got abused, beaten, bullied, made fun of, yet I endured all of that.

Trauma, if not appropriately processed, becomes a part of you.

I and my trauma got entwined in my personality.

I lacked confidence.

My posture was hunched.

I spoke meekly.

Never challenged authority.

Always expected people to be nice.

I was like this for at least 25 years of my life before I started working on myself, one step at a time.

I specifically remember an incident which was a pre-cursor to my transformation.

A good friend of mine always warned me about my poor posture. He coached me on how to improve it, but he wasn’t aware that it is a mental issue and not a physical one.

During one of our conversations, he posed a question.

“Nishant, what will you do if you become the CEO of this company. Will you still walk with your shoulders bend?”

I confidently replied, “Yes, of course! I do not want to throw attitude to others or come across like an oppressor. I think my posture depicts that I am a humble person.”

The conversation continued for hours. I had every arsenal to prove my point. I glorified my inadequacy. Finally, my friend gave up.

Once I got some time to reflect on our conversation, I immediately knew that all I did was blanket my inadequacy with faulty narratives.

Instead of accepting that I do not come across as a confident individual, I gave in to my feeble self, ranking my niceness above every other quality. But that made me think.

I knew my friend was right. I knew I had to do something to improve myself.

And thus began my journey.

I always read, and I always wrote. But back in those days, I considered non-fiction as useless crap.

Fiction was what fancied me. The amount of pain a writer goes through to pen down an epic text is unparalleled. I assumed that writing non-fiction didn’t require mastery. I was wrong.

When I shed my presuppositions regarding non-fiction, I fell in love with the process. Every non-fiction writer researches for years before compiling their work. They, too, suffer during the process of creating their art. Just because their suffering didn’t meet the standards of my poor interpretation, I regarded it as useless.

Finally, I realized my faulty approach and embraced non-fiction researched texts.

I studied NLP, mindfulness, lucid dreaming, stoicism, tai-chi, eco-meditation, emotional intelligence, and the ways we can rewire ourselves to unlock the limitless potential of human minds.

I spent quite some time in Ladakh practicing meditation. It transformed my life.

I began with self-authoring, wherein we tear apart our past on paper to identify toxic patterns, followed by getting rid of those poisonous shadows.

Mindfulness helped me stay in the present.

I finally realized that I am not what happened to me as a child.

I altered my present.

I became a better version of myself.

I am still a flawed individual, but I am no longer suffering.

I put in work daily.

I get better daily.

I fail daily.

I try the next day again with a better approach.

After self-authoring and mindfulness, I felt a lot healthier. I then turned my focus to physical activities and a healthy diet, which increased my focus, concentration, productivity, and efficiency.

I consider myself a student.

I will continue to be one for the rest of my life.

I study for around 5 hours daily to add value to myself. Every free minute of my life is dedicated to learning and helping others. At the same time, I expect nothing in return.

A smile on the faces of the people whose lives I touch positively is my reward.

If you consider yourself nice, yet you have an expectation from the world to treat you in a better manner, you are ugly, my friend.

You are weak.

You must get strong.

Try these five steps to organize your life:

  • Stop being a victim.
  • Take responsibility.
  • Be kind without expectations.
  • Upgrade yourself.
  • Stand up for yourself.

Stop being a victim

A victim mindset is a toxic mindset. Even if you were abused, cheated on, backstabbed, disrespected in the past, it was in the past. You can no longer live in the past. You must break free from the chains of trauma that have enslaved you for years. You must sculpt your destiny. The first step is to make peace with your past.

“Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.”

CHARLES BUKOWSKI

Write down your most terrible memories—ones, which haunt you daily. Accept them and acknowledge that you are in control. Forgive the people who wronged you. This is where your niceness should play a dominant role. Forgive the wrongdoings of others. They hurt you because they were themselves in pain. They did not know how to deal with it. In their ignorance, they projected their insecurities on you.

Hold no ill will.

Get in terms with your past.

Respect yourself.

And begin a new glorious journey to a bright new future.

Take responsibility

Once you have accepted your life, you need to change it. The first step is being responsible for yourself. You will need to be accountable for every activity related to your being.

Set goals for yourself.

Wake up early.

Workout.

Write a daily journal.

Cook your meals.

Wash your clothes.

Take care of your loved ones.

Spend time learning new skills and be a master of ones you already possess.

Keep distance from toxic people.

Have no expectations from others.

Have high expectations from yourself.

Do not waste a single minute.

Do not indulge in activities that don’t bring you closer to your life goals.

Once you have done these, then take on new responsibilities. The whole idea of being responsible is having no time for mindless pleasures.

Be kind without expectations

Being kind adds happiness to your being. The more generous you are to others, the more adequate you will feel inside. But, many of us are helpful because we expect something in return. That could be as little as a thank you. However, the world doesn’t follow your rules.

It is not necessary that everyone will be grateful for your kindness.

A few years ago, I overheard a conversation wherein a driver was begging his employer for money as his kid was admitted to a hospital. He frantically pleaded his case.

The kid had suffered a brain injury, and the doctors refused to operate without advance payment.

His employer asked him to wait for a day or two.

The driver was baffled. His kid could die if not provided immediate medical attention.

I didn’t think twice before emptying my savings. I gave all I had. Though it was a small amount, yet it was sufficient for the greedy doctors to get the procedure started.

The driver took my number and said he would return me the money.

Now, I did not expect to get that money back.

But at the same time, I wanted him to make me feel better about myself.

I waited for weeks. He never called back to thank me.

After a few months, I grew sour. I felt cheated.

Even after doing an act of kindness, I wasn’t happy.

I recently realized my mistake.

Though I was kind, my actions were self-motivated. I was high on self-loathing. I thought a kind act would make me feel better about my inadequacies. That’s where I went wrong.

We cannot do nice things for others, hoping they will be grateful.

We need to be kind, selflessly.

Buy your partner expensive gifts, but don’t expect a lifetime commitment.

Feed your kids while you starve, knowing that you will be alone during old age.

Take care of your family. Elevate their lives. Do not expect gratitude in return.

Work for longer hours without expecting a raise or promotion.

Help your friends when they are in need. Do not expect that they will return the favor.

Have high expectations from yourself

Do not expect from others. Expect from yourself.

All of your expectations should be from yourself.

You are one. Yet, you are not one.

You are your body.

You are also your mind.

You are your feelings.

You are your surroundings.

You are your soul.

All in all, you are a bright fucking universe in yourself.

Expect things from yourself.

Expect that your mind will wake you up early.

Expect that your body will be strong.

Expect that your soul is pure.

Expect to be fearless.

Expect to be innovative.

Expect to impact lives.

Expect to be the best version of yourself.

All of your expectations should be with yourself. Take the proper steps to fulfill your expectations.

If you expect yourself to be loyal, then do not engage in adultery, no matter how tempting it feels.

If you expect yourself to be ultra-productive, do not subscribe to Netflix. Read books instead.

Here are the benefits of reading!

If you expect to be physically fit, stop eating out.

If you expect to be stress-free, practice mindfulness.

All your expectations should be with yourself. And you should leave no stone unturned to meet those expectations.

Upgrade yourself

Till the time your breath doesn’t stop, your learning shouldn’t either. Life is a never-ending journey of self-improvement. You need to upgrade yourself continually.

Imagine if our computers still ran on DOS, or for that matter, Windows 98. How would you feel?

Frustrated and annoyed!

Every object needs to upgrade itself with time. That includes humans too.

We are not using ink and pen carved out of wood anymore. We use typewriters.

Books are not being written on leaves. They are printed and digitized.

We are no longer using wood stoves for cooking food.

We are not using bricks to workout.

Everything around us changes with time to make our lives convenient.

Yet, we tend to be the same. It is an inadequacy.

More skilled individuals replace less competent people.

The only difference between both is the amount of time they spend on improving and honing their personalities and skills.

If you consider yourself a photographer, click pictures daily.

A writer must read and write daily.

A coder should always be coding. Dream of 01 01 01 01. That’s a competent coder.

If you want to master a foreign language, stop thinking in your native tongue. Even your dreams should be in the foreign language.

If you are a businessman, keep on learning from the industry veterans. Read about new ways to improve your productivity and efficiency.

If you do not upgrade yourself, someone new, better than you, will replace you.

A better listener will make love to your woman.

A responsible professional will do your job.

Your kids will be the master of your home.

Even your god will abandon you.

If you want to be happy, learning must never stop.

Stand up for yourself

Being kind, nice, responsible, selfless is exemplary. Yet, this doesn’t mean getting exploited or bullied.

Just because you want to be selfless, please don’t invite conmen to rob you of your property.

In being a better professional, do not end up being exploited by your bosses.

Being nice to your partner doesn’t mean showering them with gifts while they are sleeping with someone else.

While practicing kindness and forgiveness, do not allow bullies to walk all over you.

Be nice but have the capacity to stand up for yourself when needed.

The world respects people who voice out their concerns.

Be articulate. Do not be meek.

Lay down clear boundaries. The moment someone crosses those boundaries, you need to protect your kingdom. Do what it takes.

Remember Saam, Daam, Dand, Bhed.

Never bow down.

Mahatma Gandhi didn’t raise a finger ever, yet he broke the spirit of the imperialists.

Even your adversary will admire you when you stand up for yourself.

I am not asking you to get into fights. We are not going to follow Tyler Durden and begin random fights at every street corner to be fearless.

Being fearless means looking into the eyes of the bully and explaining to him the consequences calmly.

Do not be combative unnecessarily.

Yet, be combat-ready always.

Jordan Peterson, in his remarkable book – 12 rules of life, asserts the first rule as – Stand up straight with your shoulders pulled back.

When you stand up straight, you are ready to take on the world.

Once again, I am not asking you to get into a series of bar fights and prove your masculinity, feminity, or toughness.

I am asking you not to bow down, hoping if you stay silent, bullies will ignore you and move ahead. That never happens factually.

The more docile you are, the higher are the chances that you will be anxious and jittery all the time.

You cannot live in a constant state of fear.

What’s the alternate?

Stand up straight with your shoulder pulled back.

This way, you are signaling the universe that if it throws a fight at you, you will charge head-on. It’s not an invitation. It’s a warning.

You can continue being victim, blaming the world for your misery, or you can improve yourself, becoming kinder and stronger – the choice is yours!

That will be it for today.

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Please leave feedback and suggestions. I welcome them, helps me improve.

How has your experience been with so-called nice people?